Breathe...

Today was not a great day for me. Every one has their problems so I really don't want to get into it here. Instead, I want to talk about the calm after the storm. What do you do when you can't run away and you can't scream and you've already unleashed your fury on anyone within 4 ft of you? When all around you is chaos and noise and you would give anything for just a moment to breathe, what do you do when you can't?

Sometimes, I pick up a book and get lost in a story that isn't my life. Other times I pick up a book and have to re-read one paragraph 8 times before I give up because there's too much swirling around in my head to engage. I read the words but don't retain the information. Sometimes I run, or dance, or shadow box (somtimes I punch the bed), or listen to music, or I'll sit and cry in the shower so the tears go down the drain and no one can see me.

I have Polycystic Kidney Disease. It was lovingly passed onto me through my Father and his Father before him. http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/polycystic/ One of the things I need to watch is my blood pressure, so when I get angry I need to quickly find a way to diffuse it. I don't get angry very often though. Perhaps a better word would be agitated. Or frustrated. I'm not quick to fly off the handle. I have already discussed in a past blog what might set me off. My 'triggers'. Today.....a major one was pulled by the person who set them in the first place.

So needless to say, my blood pressure was slightly elevated.  It was also a day when I was home with the kids and they needed me to be present so I had nowhere to go with all this energy. It sat and festered and then it hit me (*sings* It hit me like an 808 straight my heart), and then knocked me on my ass. Once the kids and I finally got home from running errands and they went to their rooms to do their own things, I put on a T-shirt and yoga shorts, layed on my bed and passed out for 10 minutes.

I NEVER do that. I felt like someone had punched me in the side of the head. The weight of what had happened just took me down. I have been a little better since 5pm tonight after my 'nap'. Now that the house is quiet, and I'm alone in my room, I put my ear buds in and listen to a few songs that ease my weary mind and make everything as right as rain.

I share them with you now. Not everyone shares my taste in music, but if you listen to them you get a little insight into me. I am listening to these songs as we speak. I cannot change what happened or what was said to me, or how I was treated, and I can't change what may happen. I can only prepare myself for the worst, hope for the best and be thankful. God knows how much we can handle. If you think you're weak...you're not. Problems aren't for the weak, they're for the strong. Giving up is for the weak.

Shut out the rest of the world with me. Plug in your earbuds and even if only for a moment.... Breathe.

Slow Me Down- Emmy Rossum http://youtu.be/xiLcw4juIMk
Breathe- Anna Nalick http://youtu.be/jPz3YaIJkjQ
Cover Girl- Joey McIntyre http://youtu.be/37dEi2xupTQ
Easier- Joey McIntyre http://youtu.be/5GN1mUa4viQ
Just the Way You Are- Boyce Avenue http://youtu.be/GhFSgnvKqm4
1+1- Beyonce http://youtu.be/MBK_GqLHEZo
The Nearness of You- Norah Jones http://youtu.be/8We0SwZHd9A