This last month or so has not exactly been a giant bowl of
awesomesauce for me. I tried blogging about it a couple of weeks ago but when I
went to go preview it before posting, something happened with the program and
everything I had typed was lost. I was so frustrated at that point I just gave
up. Prior to that I decided to take a break from social media. I had to. It was
the longest I had ever gone without tweeting since I joined Twitter, but I was
not in a good place and felt because of that, I would have nothing positive to
add. So, rather than bringing the weight of my world to that part of my life, I
just left. I did what I usually do and
reverted to my introverted nature. I’m still in that place really. I had
traveled quite a bit since January and then nothing. I was happy. And then and I
wasn’t.
Imagine happily running down a long hallway at full speed. Just
being happy that you’re moving and going forward and then out of nowhere someone
opens a steel door in front of you and you slam into it knocking you on your ass.
That’s generally me. The one running, not the one behind the steel doors. Now,
normally I get hit, lay there for a minute, then stand back up, dust myself
off, make sure I didn’t break anything, slowly close the door and off I go again.
Only this time it wasn’t just one door I ran into at full speed, it was several….In
a short amount of time.
I crashed. Hard.
Feelings aren’t right or wrong they just…are. I don’t wallow but I don’t
dismiss. I embrace whatever feeling I’m having at the moment so I can either
work through it or bask in it. I do not shy away from LIFE. I drink it in. I
only have ONE and it is meant to be lived. Good, bad or otherwise. It has taken
me a long time to get where I feel free enough and comfortable enough in my own
skin to be able to do that. I gave my bestie a plaque recently that says, “Embrace
the crazy. It is the moments in between where real life is lived.” It’s true.
So, I’m trying my best to do that, but I’d be just fine if the universe could
maybe let up a titch. I have been fighting for a very long time kids. Mostly alone and I’m tired. However, it does not
stop me. It may slow me down, but it doesn’t stop me. It’s just taking me a bit longer to get up
this time.
I’m not going to go into great detail about these “doors” but
what I will do is take a deep breath
and write a really long run on paragraph. A) for dramatic effect and B) Because
it’s how it’s how it came out at lunch today when I was catching Mom up on what
she’d missed while she was gone, which means that’s how it was running through
my head. Make sure to read it really fast. Ready?
*deep inhale*
Came back from Miami, which was AMAZING, and I was all happy
and glowy but not in an after sex kinda way because, well that’s just not
happening. Sad sorry state of affairs THAT is, but really it’s my own doing
because I have this thing about casual sex, I don’t believe there’s anything “casual”
about it and since I’m really a one man kinda girl and the ONE man I want is a
trifle bit busy at the moment, it makes for a very long dry spell, for me, not
for him *scowly* I don’t wanna talk about it because it’s just complicated and depressing
when it really shouldn’t be but it’s all about choices you see. Not mine, his,
but I can’t do anything about it so I really have to learn let go but I don’t want to
so it is what it is. That aside, I had to let my tap classes go because the
studio owner thinks that tap is too hard on the wood floor, which is ridiculous
because HELLO tap is meant for a wood floor but whatever, not my studio. So we
decided to substitute the class for a Jazz class and offer it dirt cheap to
generate interest thinking we maybe can keep it in the Fall. Okay….but THEN I was
told I may lose my classes altogether because of the loud music from the bar
downstairs that interferes with my teaching and the whole concentration factor
involved in Contemporary. Apparently this is the bar’s “slow” season and it’s
about to get worse, and MY classes always get the shaft because of the time and
days that they’re held on, but I can’t change them because of my “day job” and
the other classes during the week and the kids’ schedule and whatnot. I had it
worked out where I would move my classes to a t bit earlier on Sundays,
which means I’d have to work longer days during the week and the one Sunday a
month I’m required to work I’d just leave early and go right to the studio. Of
course that means I’d have NO time to work on choreography prior to that, but I
can choreograph in my head on the way down there. Two different styles, makes
it a bit tricky, but I can do it. I had
to cancel my trip to Boston for my bday because Mel’s computer took a shit and
she had to buy a whole new word program which is an absolute must for an
author, but her Boston budget bit it. It’s not her fault by any means, but I
won’t go alone so I cancelled the trip. It sucks big giant dog dookies, but
nobody died, that I know of, so I have to get over it. THEN, my part time
assistant gave me his to week notice to go work full time for a company that’s
designed for skaters and well that’s really his nitch so I can’t blame him. Of
course that means that my plan to get the EFF out of Corn Country just took a
nose dive. I mean, not only for any traveling I want to do but also I can’t
relocate with the company anywhere until my staff is full and strong enough to
run without me. I already had to give up
my dance workshops because they aren’t exactly a sustainable income. I have
kids. They come first. Period. So my plan was to hopefully relocate with this
job, out East where I can be where I want and still teach, but survive as well.
In the meantime, my plan was to stay where I’m at, get some bills paid and gear
up for this move that is GOING to happen. NOW….I’m hit today with the news that
Mom wants to sell the house. *blank stare*
*deep breath*
I have to look for an apartment. Which is fine anyway,
because as convenient as it has been to have my kids in a place where they are
well cared for when I’m traveling, I have been butting heads with Pops and it’s
gotten to the point where if I don’t get out soon, we run the risk of him never
seeing me again. I don’t want that, but I can’t punch him in the face either,
so I kinda don’t have a choice. They have a suite downstairs and the kids and I
have the upper level and we share the common areas. Since my divorce happened, it has worked for us. I help
them and they help me with the kids when I’m gone. I just wanted one more year
to get my plan together and rather than move into an apartment and then move
again when I relocate. This may all seem like little things to have to deal
with, but when they all hit in rapid fire succession, chased with other things
I won’t go into detail about, it’s just a lot for me to absorb and NOT where I
want to be or what I want to be doing. I’m not getting any younger and life is
way to fucking short and with every setback I just get more tired of fighting
for what I want and what makes me happy. I’m too busy doing what I HAVE to do
and it is making me VERY unhappy. I keep
trying to tell myself, “it isn’t forever, it’s for right now”, but ya know
what? Forever isn’t guaranteed and I may not get a tomorrow. So then what?
I gather myself together and stare at the ‘door’ for a
little while trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing right, and how to fix what I'm doing wrong.
Here’s what I’ve come up with…
Luckily I’m a stubborn little shit and in the end, when
all is said and done, regardless of the outcome for me... I will have taught my kids to run hard, towards the things that
make you happy and when someone opens that steel door.... you Parkour that mother
fucker and never look back.
