Ebb and Flow....

*blows raspberries*

I'm in a funk. Creatively, which means my entire being is in a funk. I hate it. Drives me crazy. Drives the people around me crazy, because I disappear. Poof. And when I do surface, I'm short and then I'm gone again. It's how I work. Rather than bring those I care about down, I revert to being introverted and work through it on my own. Again, drives people crazy. I think it's harder on my bestie than anyone, because she's a fixer and when I ask her to not try to "fix" it, I think she's left with feeling unwanted or not needed. Not the case of course, I just need to disengage for a day or two.

I started teaching my Adult Beginner Hip Hop and Advanced Hip Hop classes on Sunday night. One student showed up for my Beginner Class.........one. No one came to the Advanced Class. I knew it would be that way. I had *hoped* it wouldn't and that those who registered and showed interest, would actually come, but I knew better. This is Iowa after all. Whereas this is a great place to raise a family, it sucks the life out of someone who is creative. I've come to the conclusion, that if you want to be a doctor, lawyer, school teacher, or insurance agent this is the place to be! If you are a performing artist or live for a fine art of any kind, it's a place where your soul goes to die. Overly dramatic? Perhaps, but dude...you aren't here.

The monotony of the daily grind has gotten to me and I need to do something about it soon before I end up swimming in a toilet, swirling in a downward spiral of depression. I know that. I am someone who is VERY self-aware. I need an injection of LIFE! Most of the time I do the injecting, but when it comes to motivating myself, I kinda suck. lol I need to surround myself with like minded people. I need to either go to a dance convention and  soak in the brilliance of trained dancers around me, or I need to go East or West and throw myself into classes. The problem of course lies in a few things. First of which not being able to take much time off from work. We're going into a busy season and time off requests are pretty much forbidden between the months of November and May.

The second problem I face is the guilt of leaving my kids. I told them the other day that there's a good chance that I may be going to L.A. in March because a friend of mine is holding a Master Class that I really want to take. Just so happens that the proceeds from his class will go to help promote a film that a friend of his is trying to get off the ground. I have a thing about underdogs. I will always run with them.

Anyway, my son says to me, " You always get to go to the cool places. One of these days it would be nice if you took us too. I mean, I REALLY want to go to NY and I REALLY want to go to L.A.. You want to move to NY, but I've never even been there. I want to at least go there before all that happens." Can't argue with that logic. So...I'm stuck in a rut, and *I* have to work through it. And I will. This will not last. It never does. I will kick myself in the ass and remind myself that it could be worse.....and it can always get better. ;)

Something my Mom said to me once and has stuck with me is, "What's the worst that could happen? Can you live with that? Then you're ok. If you can't, then you'll find a way to make it better. You always do."

So, although I am reverting to my introverted ways at the moment, it won't last. We are the creators of our own happiness. I just need to regroup and figure out what it is that needs to be done to ignite my soul again, and when I do, you'll know. It's an internal thing. My fight. With myself. It's the ebb and flow of who I am. I like to believe I'm not alone.

I'm gonna start by teaching an Adult Tap Class tomorrow night, and I'm bringing my daughter with me. I'd take my son too, but he's outgrown his tap shoes.  If no one shows up to take the class, then I'll tap with *her* and that will make her happy, which in turn will make me happy. No sense in letting that beautiful space go waste. :)

Dear Mel...

I pull up my Pandora page to listen to music as I type, and as I pull up my blog site the song Beautiful by Christina Aguilera begins to play which is quite perfect given the subject of today's blog.

Twenty one years ago today.....I met my best friend.

You'll read in a moment her recollection of our meeting, but for me I can tell you that upon meeting her I would have never known just how important to me she would become. Y.A.B.E. (Young Adult Beginning Experiences) Two teenage kids who made the choice to go on a weekend retreat to sort out the grief we were dealing with, her losing her Mother to cancer and my parents going through a divorce, followed by me losing my own Mother by the hands of another. Dark times. Very.....VERY......dark times.

I was SO shy. Still am to some degree. Oftentimes it is mistaken as aloof or standoffish, which is the complete opposite of what it is. So I was doing what I do. Sitting alone, and just watching. Absorbing all the activity around me as people who knew each other got reacquainted. SO nervous to be in a situation that was unknown, and to not really know anyone there, and she was the first person to approach me. We hit it off right away and twenty one years later, here we are. Closer than we have ever been.

There is something so profound about growing up with someone. You share in their joy, in their pain, their failures and their victories. Their struggle and their freedom. Through it all, including the time we were apart, she was ALWAYS with me. They say if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it was always yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. She came back to me, and I to her.

What She Deserves...

(There is only one other person I let go although not completely. He too was always with me. He came back to me, I will never let him go again).

Would you believe we have NO pictures of us together back then? I think that's why we take so many of us together now. :)

21 Years ago...

Dear Mel,

Who knew that 21 years ago you would be one of the most important people in my life? Crazy how our circumstances bonded us and our love of NKOTB solidified us. Even crazier that their parting of ways coincided with ours and their reunion coincided with ours. So many things about them are interwoven into what is us and I will forever be grateful for that. SO many things. But I need not say another word about that because you already know.

We help each other navigate the waters of life and when I needed a life preserver you pulled me out of the water before I drowned. Again, for that I will forever be grateful. Every day you give me a reason to stand strong and tall the way I was always meant to. Your undying belief in me is unmatched. Ever encouraging, albeit at times a bit *coughpushycough* is always backed by good intention.

Your humor and quick witted mind makes me laugh and keeps me challenged. It takes intelligence to have that kind of quick wit and I admire and respect your intelligence on so many levels.

We are, and forever will be... Siamese twins joined at the heart.

I love you dearly my sister and so thankful you were the brave soul who approached me at the hearth that day. You saw something in me others did not, including myself. Thank you for never letting me forget. It is a gift I do not take for granted.

*slides you that cakey flavored Vodka drink you like and picks up my big ass Coke with extra ice*

Here's to the next 21 years. May our love for those 5 guys stay as strong as it has for the last 21 years. ;) May our laughter fill the most crowded of rooms. May our light shine brighter than a million haters. May our friendship carry us into Shady Pines with grace and dignity. And if that doesn't work, let's just do what we do best.....kick that door down and make our presence known because the two of us together are unstoppable.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SIS! I LOVE YOU! CLINK!

Love,
Cheese~

Today...

Until....

I haven't been feeling very Bloggy as of late. Stress has been on the menu for the last week or so. Coupled with PMS and well....not even french fries and a big ass Coke with extra ice, helped. Been a bit emo tonight and when my bestie asked me what was up, the conversation just went like this...

Mel: Why so emo Sugartush?

Me: Lonely.

Mel: *sigh* I'm sorry.

Me: *shrug* Is what it is.

Mel: Maybe you need to get back on the dating train. You don't have to marry anybody, but it couldn't hurt to try and go on a date.

Me: No thank you.

Mel: If you're lonely, why wouldn't you try to do something to fix that?

Me: Because boys are dumb. And I'm lonely in this moment. It will pass. Plus....I refuse to lower my standards. Also....I'm not a dater.

Mel: lol....okay...explain the "not a dater" part.

Me: I'm a relationship girl. I don't casually date. *shrug* I just don't. I'm not built that way.

Mel: ok. Understandable, but how do you get to the relationship without dating him?

Me: Let me clarify.....I won't date just anyone. It takes A LOT for me to go out with someone. A LOT.

Mel: I understand that, too. Just saying, nothing wrong with going out on a date with somebody. It's not marriage. It's a movie and dinner. I won't push. It's your call. It was just a suggestion. :)

Me: Thank you.

Mel: I just hate seeing you lonely. And you know me...I'm a fixer.

Me: Okay....you find me the all american boy next door who looks like Josh Duhamel and can dance and I'll go on a date. lol

Mel *tweets*: HA! Like that's a challenge. A real challenge is forty minutes with Google earth. This? Piece. Of. Cake.

Me: Please tell me you aren't referring to my last message.

Mel: That's EXACTLY what I was referring to.

Me: Okay...then I HAVE to add I will NOT go on a blind date.

Mel: Too bad. You already set your criteria. You can't change it now.

Me: The HELL I can't. Good luck with that kid.

Mel: So the guy has to randomly wander into your life?

Me: No...I didn't say that. Although that would be the best way. I said I won't go on a blind date. Might I remind you that your taste in men and my taste in men are vastly different. Who *you* may perceive to look like Josh Duhamel, *I* may think looks more like Gargamel.

Mel: Point taken. Insulted of course, but point taken.

Me: Stop. You know what I mean. I don't think the guys you are interested in look like Gargamel. Please don't take it that way.

Mel: Honey, who's your bouncer? Who helped you lay the foundation for NEVER settling again? Gimme some credit.

Me: This is true. I apologize.

Mel: Thank you. I forgive you.

Dear God in heaven help me if my bestie is in fact on a mission. She's a fixer. However, I'm not exactly of the mindset that "Until Mr. Right comes along there's always Mr. Right Now." I can't do it. I have never been and never will be that girl. The process of "finding myself" again  has not changed that. I'm not a rebound chick. I got divorced almost a year ago. Separated long before that.....more than once. I can count on one hand how many guys I've dated in my entire life.

The sad part of it all, is every guy I meet will not hold a candle to the one I already want. Yeah, I know, that's not fair to whomever is out there, but it's the truth. *shrug* And it will remain that way until...well....until it doesn't.

The Stubborn German with an Irish Temper...

I slept like shit last night. Yes I realize it seems like a redundant thing to say as I don't tend to sleep all that much. However, I actually went to bed last night with the intention to sleep as I had two 10 hour work days ahead of me. That process failed. lol I tossed and turned the entire night. And when Rabbit walked into my room 15 minutes before Jordan was supposed to "doodle" (BH's will know what that means), I was already in a bad mood. Then, 15 minutes later I get a text from my son asking me to pick him up from his friend's house, so I flew out of bed, brushed my teeth, put my bra on and a ball cap and out the door I went.

Came home, fixed Rabbit a bowl of cereal and got ready for work. Found Handsome in his room laying under blankets watching TV, NOT cleaning his room. He wasn't feeling so hot. I told him to take it easy and let Gma know if he needed anything. I kissed and hugged Rabbit goodbye and out the door I went. As I'm driving to work, she texts me wanting to know if she can go to the community center with her friends. I call her and tell her that's fine as long as she leaves a note for Gma and tells her brother where she's going. This is the note she ended up leaving.....

She's so frakkin cute.

Moving on...

Within the first 20 minutes of arriving at work, we had two bloody noses and two kids who threw up, not to mention a jump that went down. Yup. Definitely a Saturday at work. I had long before that fixed my mood by Gibb's slapping the back of my *own* head, so I was prepared to roll with whatever the day was gonna throw at me. I had noticed a missed call from my Mom, but thought it was kid related and really didn't think much of it. Thinking that maybe Rabbit had forgotten to write the note, and since we were so busy at work I figured I'd just call her on my break. If it were an emergency surely she would call the store directly.

So when I sat down to eat my salad and called her, I wasn't expecting her to tell me she was sitting in the hospital because Pops had been admitted. She then informed me that they had left the house sometime after midnight, unbeknown to me, to go the hospital because he was having chest pains. Shockingly she told me that shortly after arriving there in the wee small hours of morning he was already telling the doctors that he had a blockage and they needed to open it up. The man has spent his entire life barking orders at people, the doctors had no chance of escape.

He was right of course, which *really* made the doctors like him *that* much more as a patient. OY!

Pops has had 6 heart attacks in his life.....that we're aware of. The first of which was when he was just 33 years old. He is now 60. Today they ended up putting in 2 more stents....for a grand total of 5 he now has. He's had 3 bypass surgeries, and currently has an ICD in place as well. Add that to his kidney transplant two years ago and the man is a walking Frankenstein.

Looks like he may be released by Tuesday but with his fragile health condition they want to play it by ear. I find it rather ironic that my bestie just posted THIS blog the other day... http://mellysramblings.blogspot.com/2011_10_01_archive.html

I am beyond blessed to be surrounded by the people in my life that have offered their thoughts and prayers for me and my family today. The fact that they would take the time out of their busy lives to do just that humbles me to no end. If you are reading this.....Thank You.

The man is an old fashioned Air Force vet and very set in his ways. Good luck to the next man I get serious about. Here's a hint....talk to him about airplanes or fishing and you're IN. Just don't try to make him think you know more than he does about airplanes, because, well....you might as well just shoot yourself in the foot. The man is not only a trained pilot, but an engineer by trade with boxes of airplane parts and a an unfinished airplane he was in the process of building. It's a Cozy something rather. A two-seater I think. I don't know much about them, but the frakkin parts boxes are all over the basement.

Not sure he ever has any intention of actually finishing it. I think it makes him sad to think he couldn't actually fly it if he did because of his health. Makes *me* sad. It was a dream of his that will never be realized.

He's rough around the edges and oftentimes I wanna punch him square in the face for being such an ass, but...he has taught me some of the most important things a Father could teach a daughter. Especially since he was stuck with 3 girls and no boys. I have soaked in his knowledge throughout the years and am who I am in large part because of him. He's a stubborn German with an Irish temper that he lovingly passed on to me....along with his craptastic kidneys. I am convinced, that it is *because* of these traits he still has a few years left to bark more than a few more orders at anyone who crosses his path.  :)

Showtime...

Sitting at my desk drumming my fingers and trying to figure out what I wanted to blog about tonight, I decided to pull out "The Binder". I've been writing a book over the years. I stopped a while back having a bout of writers block and then ultimately.....relationship block. It's been sitting on my bookshelf collecting dust. I pulled it off the shelf with the idea I would maybe share an excerpt in here.

As I was flipping through the binder, looking at some typed pages and some hand written pages, I came across an odd journal entry. Back in the day, I never really kept a journal so I thought it was part of my book til I read the page a little further. So, tonight I'll share a piece of my life when I was younger and my aspirations of becoming a serious actress were still fresh and untainted. It's not dated, but I'm fairly certain it was sometime after I was married and after my son was born. Otherwise known as my mid 20's.


I think there are people who struggle their whole lives trying to figure out what it is they want to be or what to do with themselves. Then there are those who know precisely what they want to be and pursue their vocation ruthlessly until they accomplish what it is they set out to do. Whether it be doctors, or lawyers, firefighters, nurses, animal trainers and circus folk.

Then there are people like me, who start out knowing EXACTLY what they want to do and change their minds several times along the way. Seemingly achieving little, but doing a LOT.

It has been said that I was born with a mic in my hand and that I was dancing in the womb. it's true that I have known at a very young age that I wanted to perform. I've been told at various times throughout the years that I have the talent. What I lack is the belief in myself. I think actors in general are rather insecure. There is a deep need to express ourselves and be heard and accepted and loved. And when there's work, the money's good, but it is not our driving force. Ever. Which if you're lucky enough to be with someone who understands that and is as like-minded as you, you truly are one of the lucky ones. Mine is a constant battle of "real job" vs "hobby". I digress...

The industry is exploding with people who are screaming, "Pick me, choose me, see me, love me." Alarmingly most of the women in this line of work have been sucked into thinking that talent accounts for very little and if you're young, anorexic and plastic you're the next "It" girl.

Speaking as an actress who takes her craft seriously, I will say, "I hate you." Okay, not really. And not YOU specifically, but rather society and the impossible pressures put upon those of us who are bigger than a size 6. I was a size 6 once....maybe twice. I currently reside somewhere in the vicinity of a size 10/12, with the right to float up to a 14 or down to an 8 if something tragic happens in my life. No telling what the future holds but the past definitely holds a lot of it.

In general the size of my clothes isn't an issue. Most people would agree I'm of average size. It's only when I go in to an audition that I run into a problem. Either I'm "too ethnic" looking or "not ethnic enough". I stand at 5'8" and have thick jet black hair that I keep pixie short. I have olive skin. I am half Filipino, a quarter German and a quarter Irish. How on earth I can look "not ethnic enough" is beyond me. My favorite though is when I get called in and they're looking for "real people". It is then that I'm told that I'm "too pretty". Great so maybe if I could send my lower half in for a separate audition and plaster a "real" face to my upper half. Seriously, it's enough to make me give up acting. Not really, but I'm *this* close.

Do they have "ass" auditions? Is there such a thing? I have a pretty great ass, if I do say so myself. How do I check in for something like that? I imagine the "thespian" perched behind the desk taking names when you go in to audition. And by "thespian", I mean Julie the waitress who poured my coffee two days ago, but doesn't recognize me because she's in "thespian" mode now and is somehow better than me because she's behind the desk.

"Yes, and who do we have here?"

"Ummm...Ann Marie Thomas' ass."

"Thank you. You can just fill out this form, bring it up when you're done and we'll get a shot of the plumpness of your gluteus maximus."


What kind of pictures would I need? I'd need to start carrying around "ass shots" along with my "head shots".

At the moment I'm sitting in Lee's casting office waiting to audition for a Taco commercial. Frankly I think this ad concept was thought up by two interns working late into the night hopped up on no sleep, Red Bull and Doritos. The office itself is quite cozy. One desk with a computer and phone. A fan lazily swishes back and forth. The room is small and the carpet worn. I'm sitting next to two people who I think will beat me out for this part. They look "real".

I'm up next. Wish me luck. Okay, you can't because I'm talking to myself, but if there were someone who cared how I did in my audition, or really, anything that I did, I'd want them to wish me luck. Why? Because I would do the same for them. I'm going now, and if I have to wear a stupid costume I will, because it's work, and I will get paid, and then maybe my husband will be supportive because it will mean it's an actual job and not just a hobby that won't go anywhere but is something fun to do in your spare time after your 'real' job.....Alright...a girl can dream.

Showtime.

My Love Story WILL Be...

Not too long ago I was sitting at my bestie's house and we were watching movies and eating junk food. I had rented For Colored Girls and Burlesque the night before and brought them over. Hindsight we should have watched For Colored Girls first because we could've used the pick me up Burlesque surely would've provided. Not to say that For Colored Girls was bad. On the contrary, it was quite good! Just intense and at times difficult to watch. I can safely say that it is the only movie I've ever had to close my eyes during a certain scene, and even hearing it made me cry.

Burlesque was cute! I loved Cher, thought Christina did a good job and ADORE Stanley Tucci! There was a part in the movie where Christina's character finally ends up with the "nice guy" and there's scene we watched which initiated this conversation...

Me:  I want that. That never happens of course, but I want it.I

Mel: Yes it does.

Me: No it doesn't.

Mel: Yes it does.

Me: Not like that, with THAT.

Mel: Oh, well...

Me: I want THAT.

Mel: But what specifically?


It wasn't until tonight that I realized what "specifically" was. I want a guy who is not afraid to go after me and pursue me regardless of what anyone else thinks. I want the mistakes and the sacrifices and the giving up and letting go and the detours and heartache only to realize that in the end they were always meant to be together.

I want the passion and live out loud kind of LOVE. I want a guy who will love me for ME, flaws and all. I want a guy like Noah...and I won't settle for anything less, because to ME, that's how love should be.

P.s.- If he could also look like Ryan Gosling I'd totally be okay with that. Or.... my Lobster. #justsayin

Bruised but not Broken....

I love my car. It fits me. It's a sport red Chevy HHR. Stands for Heritage High Roof for those who were wondering. It's design stems from the 1950's model. Seems a quirky choice for me, but I'm an old soul so...

It needs new tires and realigning in a bad way, but that's just cause people keep....hitting....me.

It also needs repair to the front end because people keep.....hitting.....me.

Also, there's a small dent in the lift gate because someone.....hit...me.

You know what would be swell? Is if people STOPPED HITTING ME!

Last year around this time, for those new to this little blog of mine, I was working myself into the ground with three jobs. One of those jobs was throwin papes in the wee small hours of the morning. I would get up and get my kids off to school, go to work at a Middle School where I made sure that the kids didn't kill each other at lunch and during recess. I would go home, change and kiss my kids, then go work for four hours or so as a music vendor. I would then come home, kiss my kids goodnight after they were already in bed and then take a nap for 3 hours. At which point I would then get up and go do my route. Come home, sleep for 45 minutes and start my day all over again.

I actually didn't mind the job so much. The pay sucked ass, but it kept me busy during a time I didn't want to think or feel anything. Surviving was all I could manage to do as I went through my divorce. The Winter months sucked physically but I'm a sexy bitch in Carhartt. I may have accidentally scared a few old people in a nursing home as I went in to deliver their morning paper donned in all black and forgetting to take my ski mask off, but that's neither here nor there.

I may have also stopped in someones yard and taken a a turn or two on the tire swing in the front yard at 3AM in the same aforementioned attire, but again, that's not the focus of this blog, nor is the family of deer I befriended. Moving on...

I would often drive a bit, park my car and then hoof it for a block or two. Sometimes, I would pull into a driveway and hit that house and the houses on either side then get back in my car and carry on. It was usually so quiet on this particular street so I didn't think anything of it when I parked my car in the same driveway I usually do. I walked across the street, turned back around, opened the door to my car to get in, and had one leg inside just as this big ass truck backed up and without paying attention flew into me.

Because I have ninja like reflexes I jumped and rolled out of the way, but my poor car got it's front end clocked and pushed out into the street. Drunk ass McGillicutty didn't have insurance, so....my car still has a battle wound and the only thing I walked away with thank the Goddesses was a bruised ass.

The dent in the lift gate I discovered after coming out of Walmart one night. It's the perfect size and shape and in the perfect spot where a truck, say with a trailer hitch would back into my car.

But.....I still love her and I will drive her until she's dead. She is reliable and gets me where I need to go, and oftentimes on adventures filled with Shenanigans, with my bestie. She may be a bit banged up and a little bruised, but she is not broken,  and in so many ways.....is me.

One New Perception...

I came to a realization last night while sitting and closing down the store and the thought process carried on while I drove home.

I quit....

...trying to explain myself to people who are not interested in listening.

...trying to live up to others expectations.

...thinking that I am less than.

...thinking that I am only the sum of my mistakes.

...thinking that if I don't have the affection of a man tomorrow, then I will wither away to nothing.

...living in doubt and constant fear.


I will never be...

...easy.

...fake.

...perfect.



I will always be....

...strong.

...talented.

...smart.

...funny.

...worth getting to know.

...beautiful.

...hard working.

...human.

...worth the time.


...patient.


...a good Mom.

...a fighter.

...a good teacher.

...trustworthy.

...loyal.

...honest.

...loving.

...giving.

...real.

...worthy of love.

...worth the wait.


I am not limited by the words I write in my blogs or in my texts or in my tweets. You will not know the *whole* me until you *know* me. Sometimes you have to QUIT being what you were to START being everything you ARE...