Today...remember that you were put on this earth for a reason, for however long or short and breathe deep knowing you are okay. If you woke up....you're already a step ahead.
Help anyone who may need it in whatever way they may need it. Giving shouldn't be a designated day. It should be something we do continuously without expectation.
Answer questions with patience and understanding. We are all here to learn from one another. If we had all the answers there would be no reason to form relationships. When one learns, one must then teach. Ignorance leads to hate.
Not assume anything about anyone. Keeping an open mind and a willing heart allows for beautiful experiences. We are all different and yet......not.
Keep moving forward. Some days the road will wind to the right and sometimes to the left. Sometimes it even leads you in a circle to start back at one, but only when there is a lesson to be learned. Once you have learned the lesson, the road will straighten itself back out and you can carry on. Pay attention to the signs. They are there for a reason. To help guide your intuition.
Feel more......think less.
Use the gifts you have been given. Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift to God.
LOVE.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
When Life was....
When I was a little girl I liked to make mud pies. We had an alley behind my childhood house where I liked to get muddy and dig up worms. We didn't have a fence, but we had a row of peony bushes that separated our enormous yard from the alley. I LOVED the smell of those pink bushes but I did NOT like the ants required to keep them.
In the rear right hand corner of our yard stood a large pussy willow tree that I often liked to climb in with a book and sit and read. In front of that sat our garden where I'd help my Mom and Dad plant things and pick the beans when they were ready. Behind the house, sat a little red and white shed where my bike and the lawn mower was, and where we'd hide during games of hide and seek. Behind the shed was the clothesline we never used.
If I close my eyes I can still see the cracks in the pavement where we parked our car. I can hear the creaking of the heavy screen door on the side of the house as I open it and step inside to hang my coat up on the wall mount. You stepped into the house and could either go down the stairs to the basement where the washer and dryer were, along with the "family room" and my Dad's workshop where I built model airplanes. My eyes still closed, I can feel the cool painted concrete under my feet, and smell the familiar scent of dryer sheets and the metal of the tools. There was a fireplace that didn't work, but we hung our Christmas stockings from it. To this day I can't hear "I Can't Go For That" by Hall and Oates without thinking of that basement. Crazy how things like that attach themselves to our memories.
Back up the stairs, standing on the little platform you go up a stair into the tiny little kitchen. Our small round table sat in the left hand corner of the house between two windows. One, on the left and one on the front of the house. That was the window Pops would set a small black and white TV in the sill at Halloween and on the screen would be a pumpkin flashing. Courtesy of our fantastic Commodore 64. lol
That kitchen is where I learned to cook Filipino food by watching my Mom cook. She also loved to fry Spam and it was always served over a bed of steamed jasmine rice. OR we'd have roast beef hash, fried and served over rice. They were staples in our house. It's also where I learned how to make candy and lasagna from my Dad by watching him cook every Christmas. He would make divinity and peanut brittle and sugar cookies. We still have lasagna every Christmas Eve, only now I make it. He no longer makes cookies and candy but we still have the well loved cookbooks if I ever decide to pick it up again.
If you walked past the kitchen sink on your left, and go around the stove on your right, passing the wall phone with the 60 foot cord all wound around itself, you'd be in a small hallway. Turn left and you're in the living room with the only air conditioning unit in the house. That was where we all camped out and waited for the premier of Thriller. I can smell the air conditioner and hear the sound of the dial as my Dad turned it on.
If you didn't go into the living room, there was a door on your right that led upstairs to the loft-like bedroom my sisters and I shared (See Sleep is for Amateurs). I *still* know exactly each spot you had to perfectly place your foot so the stair wouldn't creek if you were sneaking downstairs to get a snack. I can still feel the railing that you had to hold onto to go up the creaky stairs.
If you went forward instead of going up the stairs you could then take a few steps and either go right into the den or as my Mom called it the "sewing room". Behind the door to that room was a floor vent where I would sit and get dressed over in the mornings during the Winter because I was ALWAYS cold. Sometimes I would sit with my pajama shirt pulled over my knees and let the hot air get trapped like a balloon. lol THEN I would put my uniform on. Back out into the hall and down the other way, the only bathroom was on the right and just at the end of the hall was my parents bedroom.
It's crazy to me that I can remember every detail of that house, every scent, and every sound. It was a time in my life where everything was right as rain. When life was.......simple. ;)
In the rear right hand corner of our yard stood a large pussy willow tree that I often liked to climb in with a book and sit and read. In front of that sat our garden where I'd help my Mom and Dad plant things and pick the beans when they were ready. Behind the house, sat a little red and white shed where my bike and the lawn mower was, and where we'd hide during games of hide and seek. Behind the shed was the clothesline we never used.
If I close my eyes I can still see the cracks in the pavement where we parked our car. I can hear the creaking of the heavy screen door on the side of the house as I open it and step inside to hang my coat up on the wall mount. You stepped into the house and could either go down the stairs to the basement where the washer and dryer were, along with the "family room" and my Dad's workshop where I built model airplanes. My eyes still closed, I can feel the cool painted concrete under my feet, and smell the familiar scent of dryer sheets and the metal of the tools. There was a fireplace that didn't work, but we hung our Christmas stockings from it. To this day I can't hear "I Can't Go For That" by Hall and Oates without thinking of that basement. Crazy how things like that attach themselves to our memories.
Back up the stairs, standing on the little platform you go up a stair into the tiny little kitchen. Our small round table sat in the left hand corner of the house between two windows. One, on the left and one on the front of the house. That was the window Pops would set a small black and white TV in the sill at Halloween and on the screen would be a pumpkin flashing. Courtesy of our fantastic Commodore 64. lol
That kitchen is where I learned to cook Filipino food by watching my Mom cook. She also loved to fry Spam and it was always served over a bed of steamed jasmine rice. OR we'd have roast beef hash, fried and served over rice. They were staples in our house. It's also where I learned how to make candy and lasagna from my Dad by watching him cook every Christmas. He would make divinity and peanut brittle and sugar cookies. We still have lasagna every Christmas Eve, only now I make it. He no longer makes cookies and candy but we still have the well loved cookbooks if I ever decide to pick it up again.
If you walked past the kitchen sink on your left, and go around the stove on your right, passing the wall phone with the 60 foot cord all wound around itself, you'd be in a small hallway. Turn left and you're in the living room with the only air conditioning unit in the house. That was where we all camped out and waited for the premier of Thriller. I can smell the air conditioner and hear the sound of the dial as my Dad turned it on.
If you didn't go into the living room, there was a door on your right that led upstairs to the loft-like bedroom my sisters and I shared (See Sleep is for Amateurs). I *still* know exactly each spot you had to perfectly place your foot so the stair wouldn't creek if you were sneaking downstairs to get a snack. I can still feel the railing that you had to hold onto to go up the creaky stairs.
If you went forward instead of going up the stairs you could then take a few steps and either go right into the den or as my Mom called it the "sewing room". Behind the door to that room was a floor vent where I would sit and get dressed over in the mornings during the Winter because I was ALWAYS cold. Sometimes I would sit with my pajama shirt pulled over my knees and let the hot air get trapped like a balloon. lol THEN I would put my uniform on. Back out into the hall and down the other way, the only bathroom was on the right and just at the end of the hall was my parents bedroom.
It's crazy to me that I can remember every detail of that house, every scent, and every sound. It was a time in my life where everything was right as rain. When life was.......simple. ;)
CHEESE!!!!!!!! lol toldja
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Sweet Intangible...
Two blog topics tonight. First.... about my beliefs on the intangible. My tweet numbers hit 88,888 tonight, which got me thinking about the significance of the number 8 which then got me thinking about how my Mom was superstitious. She was one of those people who carried a rabbit's foot key chain. There are many superstitions in the Filipino culture that she grew up with and although I am not quite the extremist she was, I do have a strong belief in the intangible. I'm also a realist which is slightly contradicting. lol
I may love to jump into a world of 'pretend' (a phrase coined by my bestie when talking about her writing) it can't be helped, I'm a dreamer. *shrug* It's in my genetic makeup. Believe me when I tell you my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I think to be able to have both, not only makes life more exciting, but it gives hope to situations where it seems there isn't any. Someone had mentioned the other day after reading about me and PKD that they had no idea and Mel said, "That's because she's really good at downplaying all the bad shit in her life." There are far too many in this world worse off than I am, for me to dwell on the bad shit.
While I have the freedom to make my own choices and decisions, I also think that in the end there is a reason for everything that happens. I believe in symbols, I believe in fate, I believe in timing, I believe in soulmates, I believe in true love and I believe....
Moving on to my second topic of the night.....my nicknames. lol I got into a discussion tonight with a friend about one of the names I answer to, which led me to tell him about another which led me to think that there may not be people who know the reason behind them. So, here goes....
Mel has called me Cheese from the moment I met her. Her reasons are different then why others call me that. I was "dubbed" that nickname many many moons ago because of the one who I have always been told I am most like in personality. (For the record...it has never been Cheez. Ever.) He's a bit more stubborn than I am though. *raising eyebrow* Which is hard, because I'm pretty frakkin stubborn. It's totally fine. I sing better. ;p lol
The reasons others call me by that name is because it was shortened from Cheesecake. I have a LOVE for this delectable dessert. Also, when I was little I had a tendency to mug for the camera. When I walked across the stage to get my diploma you could hear my entire family yell CHEEEESSSSSEEECAAAKKKEE!!!! Comedy. My family thought Mel just shortened it to Cheese, we didn't feel the need to explain otherwise. lol
I also go by A.M.....for obvious reasons. It's easier then saying Ann Marie. People get my name wrong all the time anyway. They call me Emery, Emily, or Mary Ann. Sometimes Avery. *smh* There's no 'E' at the end of Ann and it's not hyphenated. I answer to Ann but NEVER call me Annie or I'll punch you in the winky wheels. #justsayin
I will also answer to Dancer.......but my Lobster is the only one who calls me that.....coming from anyone else it just doesn't sound quite as sweet. ;)
I may love to jump into a world of 'pretend' (a phrase coined by my bestie when talking about her writing) it can't be helped, I'm a dreamer. *shrug* It's in my genetic makeup. Believe me when I tell you my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I think to be able to have both, not only makes life more exciting, but it gives hope to situations where it seems there isn't any. Someone had mentioned the other day after reading about me and PKD that they had no idea and Mel said, "That's because she's really good at downplaying all the bad shit in her life." There are far too many in this world worse off than I am, for me to dwell on the bad shit.
Moving on to my second topic of the night.....my nicknames. lol I got into a discussion tonight with a friend about one of the names I answer to, which led me to tell him about another which led me to think that there may not be people who know the reason behind them. So, here goes....
Mel has called me Cheese from the moment I met her. Her reasons are different then why others call me that. I was "dubbed" that nickname many many moons ago because of the one who I have always been told I am most like in personality. (For the record...it has never been Cheez. Ever.) He's a bit more stubborn than I am though. *raising eyebrow* Which is hard, because I'm pretty frakkin stubborn. It's totally fine. I sing better. ;p lol
The reasons others call me by that name is because it was shortened from Cheesecake. I have a LOVE for this delectable dessert. Also, when I was little I had a tendency to mug for the camera. When I walked across the stage to get my diploma you could hear my entire family yell CHEEEESSSSSEEECAAAKKKEE!!!! Comedy. My family thought Mel just shortened it to Cheese, we didn't feel the need to explain otherwise. lol
I also go by A.M.....for obvious reasons. It's easier then saying Ann Marie. People get my name wrong all the time anyway. They call me Emery, Emily, or Mary Ann. Sometimes Avery. *smh* There's no 'E' at the end of Ann and it's not hyphenated. I answer to Ann but NEVER call me Annie or I'll punch you in the winky wheels. #justsayin
I will also answer to Dancer.......but my Lobster is the only one who calls me that.....coming from anyone else it just doesn't sound quite as sweet. ;)
Saturday, September 24, 2011
SCREAM....
It started around 5p.m. last night and I haven't been able to shake it. Have you ever just wanted to punch something? That's kinda where I'm at right now.....in this moment. Well, this moment has lasted a few hours but in the grand scheme of things is still just a moment.
I know it will pass. It always does. I'm not angry. I'm frustrated. I don't get angry very often, which I think isn't always necessarily a good thing. Anger can be a good release when channeled properly. If you bury it, it can spring up and punch you in the face. Then, you make bad choices, and say the wrong things. I haven't done anyone of that lately, thank the Goddesses, but for some reason I find myself in quite a mood. OY!
I had a fitful night's rest. Shocking, I know. Crawled into bed not long after my date night with my TV, and started to read Good Girls Don't by Victoria Dahl. Mel loaned it to me. Wanna know how far I got? 13 whole pages in before I gave up. I was not in a good mind frame to try and connect to anything.
I'm in a "I wanna run away from home" frame of mind. The few moments I take for myself seem selfish to me. In reality they aren't. I just spoke of this the other day. They are a MUST. You cannot give anything to anyone else if you have not taken care of yourself first. I think part of it, is I am frustrated creatively. I'm frustrated because I feel like I have no one to vent to. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make myself slow down. I'm frustrated that I have to go to work in a bit. I'm frustrated at being alone. I'm frustrated that I'm lonely. I'm frustrated that the last date I had was........can't even tell you when. I'm frustrated at people talking shit about me. I'm frustrated at being a single Mom. I'm frustrated that I feel like I have to censor myself because I'll offend someone or hear about it from someone else. I'm frustrated because I'm too nice and apparently that's a bad thing to be these days. and I'm frustrated because the second I show any other emotion other that sunshine and rainbows I get criticized for not being one dimensional.
I don't need anyone to "fix" it, I just need to vent.
One of the things that being in YABE taught me is, feelings aren't right or wrong they just "are". So right now, in this moment, I'm feeling FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!
Don't worry, it won't last. I'll go back to being Mary Poppins eventually, but now I'm going to go cry in the shower because I'm not in a place where I can .....
I know it will pass. It always does. I'm not angry. I'm frustrated. I don't get angry very often, which I think isn't always necessarily a good thing. Anger can be a good release when channeled properly. If you bury it, it can spring up and punch you in the face. Then, you make bad choices, and say the wrong things. I haven't done anyone of that lately, thank the Goddesses, but for some reason I find myself in quite a mood. OY!
I had a fitful night's rest. Shocking, I know. Crawled into bed not long after my date night with my TV, and started to read Good Girls Don't by Victoria Dahl. Mel loaned it to me. Wanna know how far I got? 13 whole pages in before I gave up. I was not in a good mind frame to try and connect to anything.
I'm in a "I wanna run away from home" frame of mind. The few moments I take for myself seem selfish to me. In reality they aren't. I just spoke of this the other day. They are a MUST. You cannot give anything to anyone else if you have not taken care of yourself first. I think part of it, is I am frustrated creatively. I'm frustrated because I feel like I have no one to vent to. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make myself slow down. I'm frustrated that I have to go to work in a bit. I'm frustrated at being alone. I'm frustrated that I'm lonely. I'm frustrated that the last date I had was........can't even tell you when. I'm frustrated at people talking shit about me. I'm frustrated at being a single Mom. I'm frustrated that I feel like I have to censor myself because I'll offend someone or hear about it from someone else. I'm frustrated because I'm too nice and apparently that's a bad thing to be these days. and I'm frustrated because the second I show any other emotion other that sunshine and rainbows I get criticized for not being one dimensional.
I don't need anyone to "fix" it, I just need to vent.
One of the things that being in YABE taught me is, feelings aren't right or wrong they just "are". So right now, in this moment, I'm feeling FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!
Don't worry, it won't last. I'll go back to being Mary Poppins eventually, but now I'm going to go cry in the shower because I'm not in a place where I can .....
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Watering Roots with LOVE...
I had today off which was a good thing, as I haven't been feeling so hot since Sunday. I rarely get sick and I don't make a very good patient. I have the opposite behavior of the typical "big baby" when I do get sick. I have a tendency to be in denial. Being sick means slowing down, and I'm a bit stubborn when it comes to that.
I spent my morning doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen and then decided that perhaps I should for once in my stubborn ass life take a moment for myself and just BE. So, I lit a candle in my room, turned Pandora on the computer, made a cup of hot tea and picked up a book I keep trying to finish. Believe it or not I finally finished the damn thing a little while ago. Not without getting sidetracked a few times though.
I think that is part of having a creative mind. Always thinking, always creating. Ideas always tumbling around. As I closed the book after the last page and sat still for a few moments just breathing and listening to the sound of the piano playing in the background, I took in my moment of Zen and realized I don't take enough time for myself. I think that may be true for a lot of us.
We go through life at a hurried pace, moving from one thing to the next like stepping stones. Oftentimes with our head down and off to the grind, like a hamster on a wheel, failing to stop, to take a breath and be thankful for the moment. Or we're too busy thinking about what HAS to be done before it's "too late". It's hard to take a step back and realize what HAS to be done sometimes is simply just to BE. If you are so busy with your head down just trying to "get through" the day and at the end of it you haven't seen or heard one thing that moves you, brings you joy, brings others joy, or makes you think, then what is it you have actually accomplished? It simply adds and builds to your level of stress. When you reach a breaking point....your decision making skills suffer. The way you treat others and consequently yourself suffers.
I speak from experience. Both from the standpoint of adding to anothers stress and from being on the receiving end of someone adding to mine. It is in the quiet moments of zen that we reflect and admit our wrongs, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on.
If you don't take a moment for yourself every now and then, you will have nothing left to give anyone else. Don't think of that as being selfish, think of that as contributing to to your Giving Tree. You have to water the soil in order for it to grow. To try and grow without tending to the roots is impossible. Think of your soul and your spirit and your heart as the roots. Water them.....often. Fertilize them (why do I hear my besite's laughter as I type that word?) by surrounding yourself with those who lift you up. Who shine light on you with LOVE and encouragement. Cut out the weeds. AKA Those who bring you down. Those who discourage you from trying. Those who discourage you from loving.
Even if you have to get out of your OWN way sometimes.
Moving through this world with the idea that it is only Black or White will cause you to miss out on a world full of color. I, for one, choose to live in a world full of color. You get back what you put in. It is ALWAYS about the journey. Do not be afraid to fail. Learn from your mistakes and move forward without regret.
Just don't take people for granted. EVERYone has bad moments, sometimes bad days. It simply means we're human. Besides, what was the quote? Oh yes, "Perfect people aren't very interesting."
And for cripes sake STOP, BREATHE, and for a moment- or 8 minutes a week ;)- simply BE.
I spent my morning doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen and then decided that perhaps I should for once in my stubborn ass life take a moment for myself and just BE. So, I lit a candle in my room, turned Pandora on the computer, made a cup of hot tea and picked up a book I keep trying to finish. Believe it or not I finally finished the damn thing a little while ago. Not without getting sidetracked a few times though.
I think that is part of having a creative mind. Always thinking, always creating. Ideas always tumbling around. As I closed the book after the last page and sat still for a few moments just breathing and listening to the sound of the piano playing in the background, I took in my moment of Zen and realized I don't take enough time for myself. I think that may be true for a lot of us.
We go through life at a hurried pace, moving from one thing to the next like stepping stones. Oftentimes with our head down and off to the grind, like a hamster on a wheel, failing to stop, to take a breath and be thankful for the moment. Or we're too busy thinking about what HAS to be done before it's "too late". It's hard to take a step back and realize what HAS to be done sometimes is simply just to BE. If you are so busy with your head down just trying to "get through" the day and at the end of it you haven't seen or heard one thing that moves you, brings you joy, brings others joy, or makes you think, then what is it you have actually accomplished? It simply adds and builds to your level of stress. When you reach a breaking point....your decision making skills suffer. The way you treat others and consequently yourself suffers.
I speak from experience. Both from the standpoint of adding to anothers stress and from being on the receiving end of someone adding to mine. It is in the quiet moments of zen that we reflect and admit our wrongs, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on.
If you don't take a moment for yourself every now and then, you will have nothing left to give anyone else. Don't think of that as being selfish, think of that as contributing to to your Giving Tree. You have to water the soil in order for it to grow. To try and grow without tending to the roots is impossible. Think of your soul and your spirit and your heart as the roots. Water them.....often. Fertilize them (why do I hear my besite's laughter as I type that word?) by surrounding yourself with those who lift you up. Who shine light on you with LOVE and encouragement. Cut out the weeds. AKA Those who bring you down. Those who discourage you from trying. Those who discourage you from loving.
Even if you have to get out of your OWN way sometimes.
Moving through this world with the idea that it is only Black or White will cause you to miss out on a world full of color. I, for one, choose to live in a world full of color. You get back what you put in. It is ALWAYS about the journey. Do not be afraid to fail. Learn from your mistakes and move forward without regret.
Just don't take people for granted. EVERYone has bad moments, sometimes bad days. It simply means we're human. Besides, what was the quote? Oh yes, "Perfect people aren't very interesting."
And for cripes sake STOP, BREATHE, and for a moment- or 8 minutes a week ;)- simply BE.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Today...
I spent most of Today off of Twitter. Finding that when I woke up I really had very little to contribute to that particular world. I got lost in my continuing Psych marathon and was quite content in laying in my bed laughing. It was a much needed reprieve from my reality.
Then I took my kids out to lunch and just enjoyed being near them. Enjoyed being "present" in their lives. Came back home so they could get ready to go to their Dad's for the weekend. After they left, I watched two more epi's of Psych then took a 20 minute "nap" in preparation for the rest of my evening. 10 minutes into my 20 minute nap I got up and got into the shower, too restless to sleep.
My birthday was this past Thursday and we kicked off the celebration by going out for an evening of Karaoke Wednesday night. We each sang one song, then Mel lost her patience waiting for another turn at the mic so we left and went to IHop. On my actual birthday I worked, came home and flew into Mommy mode. Cleaned my bathroom and made dinner for the kids.
My bestie and I went to dinner tonight, where I enjoyed a lovely steak, and great conversation then went to the "club" we normally go to so we could hit the floor. I suspect she went to appease me, as she loves to dance but hates clubs. I love her for going with and for me.
It is now 3:25 A.M. and in a few hours we will be on our merry way to the Annual Walk for PKD. I am in complete awe of those who not only took the time to help me spread awareness but by the supreme generosity of those who were able to donate. Especially when someone donated an odd amount leading us to the conclusion she donated everything she had left in her account. :*) I am SO humbled and SO moved. Our little team of two has raised over 44% of the city's goal...10x's the amount my team raised last year. All I can say is thank you. THANK you. THANK YOU.
Even in the stress of this last week, I have found time to lose myself and give my mind a bit of a reprieve. I have covered a lot of ground, literally, at work and by walking tomorrow....errr...Today. I have spent time being "present" for my children. I have spent time with my bestie which always restores my spirit. She is the yang to my yin. The snark and impatience that counters my calm and patience. ;) And I had a chance to hit the floor and dance which is where I am most at home. Now? Now I'm gonna eat this here ravioli my bestie just made and carb up to get me through these next few hours.
Then I took my kids out to lunch and just enjoyed being near them. Enjoyed being "present" in their lives. Came back home so they could get ready to go to their Dad's for the weekend. After they left, I watched two more epi's of Psych then took a 20 minute "nap" in preparation for the rest of my evening. 10 minutes into my 20 minute nap I got up and got into the shower, too restless to sleep.
My birthday was this past Thursday and we kicked off the celebration by going out for an evening of Karaoke Wednesday night. We each sang one song, then Mel lost her patience waiting for another turn at the mic so we left and went to IHop. On my actual birthday I worked, came home and flew into Mommy mode. Cleaned my bathroom and made dinner for the kids.
My bestie and I went to dinner tonight, where I enjoyed a lovely steak, and great conversation then went to the "club" we normally go to so we could hit the floor. I suspect she went to appease me, as she loves to dance but hates clubs. I love her for going with and for me.
It is now 3:25 A.M. and in a few hours we will be on our merry way to the Annual Walk for PKD. I am in complete awe of those who not only took the time to help me spread awareness but by the supreme generosity of those who were able to donate. Especially when someone donated an odd amount leading us to the conclusion she donated everything she had left in her account. :*) I am SO humbled and SO moved. Our little team of two has raised over 44% of the city's goal...10x's the amount my team raised last year. All I can say is thank you. THANK you. THANK YOU.
Even in the stress of this last week, I have found time to lose myself and give my mind a bit of a reprieve. I have covered a lot of ground, literally, at work and by walking tomorrow....errr...Today. I have spent time being "present" for my children. I have spent time with my bestie which always restores my spirit. She is the yang to my yin. The snark and impatience that counters my calm and patience. ;) And I had a chance to hit the floor and dance which is where I am most at home. Now? Now I'm gonna eat this here ravioli my bestie just made and carb up to get me through these next few hours.
Friday, September 16, 2011
A Bar of Soap...
Do you ever hold on to something only to feel it constantly slipping out of your hands like a bar of soap? You have a good grasp on it, know it to be true and right and strong and yet it somehow you lose control of it, it goes flying out of your hand and just before it hits the ground you catch it?
I had a chat this morning with my bestie, who declared today to be NO PANTS day. I opted out. Too chilly. I'm a freeze baby. After my blackberry lost the cal TWICE, I gave up and retreated into my head to process a few things. I have been feeling a sense of urgency about certain things as of late. That if, whatever, doesn't happen in the immediate future that it never will.
After our conversation, I realized, that because my focus has been heavily rooted in spreading awareness and seeking donations for PKD (thanks to the supreme genorisity of a dear friend of mine, we have surpassed my TEAM goal of $1500) that the idea of my mortality has been at the forefront of my thoughts. My sense of urgency has to do with me feeling like I'm running out of time. My hope and belief is that my need for a transplant is years down the road. The reality is because there is no cure, and although I am doing what I can to manage it, I cannot completely control it and the cysts could start multiplying at a quicker rate and my creatnine level could go from a 1.9 to a 5 in a short period of time.
Who knows. I don't *choose* to believe that, and I could conceivably get hit by a car today and die from some random accident. What I *do* know is that I tend to brood about this around this time of year when it is such a heavy focus.
Most of the time, I'm fine. I go about my life just trying to do the best I can and EVERY day trying to be a better me than the day before. I realize that I cannot control others behavior or thoughts. I can only control mine. I spoke in a blog or two back about how when I have done something wrong I ALWAYS want to try and fix it. That there is only so much I can do, and if someone doesn't give you a chance to right your wrong, then you may have to let it....and them, go. The soap has slipped out of my hands and I'm watching it fly through the air in slow motion. Either I'll catch it before it hits the ground and place it safely back where it belongs, or....I'll stop trying to hold onto the notion that I'm a bar soap girl and have to switch to a liquid dispenser. OR.....option C....
Some of you will completely understand this analogy and for some it will confuse the shit out of you. lol Think of a bar of soap as fun. It gets wet and it slips out of your hands and you try to catch it but it's wily and all you can do is laugh....well.....not if you're an inmate. Think of a liquid dispenser as being controlled, not fun, just sits there. Now, apply the same logic when talking about people.
I'm deciphering the "code" for you so there's nothing cryptic. I have a tendency to use a lot of analogies. I think that comes from being a teacher and wanting people to be able to relate to what I'm saying. Often times, the visual helps.
In a few days time I will shake this feeling that I'm going to die tomorrow from this disease and that I will have run out of time to get it right. And by "it" I mean my life.
So, for now, because I made the mistake of getting it wet, I'll let that bar of soap fly and sail where it's going to and if it hits the ground and slides before I can catch it, so be it. It has to stop eventually. When it does, I will pick it up and put it back where it's meant to be. Even if it means just leaving it for decoration.
I had a chat this morning with my bestie, who declared today to be NO PANTS day. I opted out. Too chilly. I'm a freeze baby. After my blackberry lost the cal TWICE, I gave up and retreated into my head to process a few things. I have been feeling a sense of urgency about certain things as of late. That if, whatever, doesn't happen in the immediate future that it never will.
After our conversation, I realized, that because my focus has been heavily rooted in spreading awareness and seeking donations for PKD (thanks to the supreme genorisity of a dear friend of mine, we have surpassed my TEAM goal of $1500) that the idea of my mortality has been at the forefront of my thoughts. My sense of urgency has to do with me feeling like I'm running out of time. My hope and belief is that my need for a transplant is years down the road. The reality is because there is no cure, and although I am doing what I can to manage it, I cannot completely control it and the cysts could start multiplying at a quicker rate and my creatnine level could go from a 1.9 to a 5 in a short period of time.
Who knows. I don't *choose* to believe that, and I could conceivably get hit by a car today and die from some random accident. What I *do* know is that I tend to brood about this around this time of year when it is such a heavy focus.
Most of the time, I'm fine. I go about my life just trying to do the best I can and EVERY day trying to be a better me than the day before. I realize that I cannot control others behavior or thoughts. I can only control mine. I spoke in a blog or two back about how when I have done something wrong I ALWAYS want to try and fix it. That there is only so much I can do, and if someone doesn't give you a chance to right your wrong, then you may have to let it....and them, go. The soap has slipped out of my hands and I'm watching it fly through the air in slow motion. Either I'll catch it before it hits the ground and place it safely back where it belongs, or....I'll stop trying to hold onto the notion that I'm a bar soap girl and have to switch to a liquid dispenser. OR.....option C....
Some of you will completely understand this analogy and for some it will confuse the shit out of you. lol Think of a bar of soap as fun. It gets wet and it slips out of your hands and you try to catch it but it's wily and all you can do is laugh....well.....not if you're an inmate. Think of a liquid dispenser as being controlled, not fun, just sits there. Now, apply the same logic when talking about people.
I'm deciphering the "code" for you so there's nothing cryptic. I have a tendency to use a lot of analogies. I think that comes from being a teacher and wanting people to be able to relate to what I'm saying. Often times, the visual helps.
In a few days time I will shake this feeling that I'm going to die tomorrow from this disease and that I will have run out of time to get it right. And by "it" I mean my life.
So, for now, because I made the mistake of getting it wet, I'll let that bar of soap fly and sail where it's going to and if it hits the ground and slides before I can catch it, so be it. It has to stop eventually. When it does, I will pick it up and put it back where it's meant to be. Even if it means just leaving it for decoration.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
A Wish on a Cloud...
Starting day 6 in a row of my long week of work. Would not normally be a big deal for me to work consecutively like this but it was NOT a good weekend for me at the store. Having a stress induced panic attack while you're in the middle of hosting a birthday party is not exactly a good time. It's SO not the way to keep my blood pressure down. High blood pressure hurts my kidneys. Enough about that.
Yesterday I think my body finally felt the effects of the weekend, as it did not want to cooperate with me. Of course it didn't help that I decided to deep clean each of the party rooms at work on Monday. Frosting can be tricky to get out of carpet and I felt like Cinderella scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing...
I had a fitful night's rest, but this is nothing new. Waking up 3-4 times throughout the course of 4-6 hours is par for the course. At one point I noticed that my bestie was awake too. Again. We are not creatures of sleep ( see blog post Sleep is for Amateurs ).
As I sit here taking my few moments of zen, it begins to rain. Which means I need to hurry up and finish this blog so I can jump into the shower before I have to take my kids to the bus stop so they aren't standing out in it for too long.
My whole reason for this blog is because I've been slacking a bit on my 365 blog challenge. I've been busy and my mind has not had time to slow down and form a cohesive thought. Even now, I feel all over the place. lol
I woke up this morning with the thought of a sister I had and never had a chance to know. Weird huh? Perhaps I have spoken of her before, I cannot remember and I don't have the time to go back through my blogs and find out. Her name was Anna Lisa. I am her namesake. She died from heart complications when she was 3 months old. She was born and buried in the Philippines and when a volcano erupted was swept away along with countless others and taken under by a sea of lava. So I wouldn't know where to find her even if I wanted to.
I have a thing about going to the cemetery and visiting those who have passed. I rarely go visit my Mother's headstone. Her headstone was a Christmas Wish granted to me from a local radio station when I was a teenager. We couldn't afford a marker for her grave at the time, barely being able to afford her funeral expense. There was very little life insurance for her. So I took a chance and submitted my Christmas Wish request. I remember the morning I got the phone call that my wish was being granted. I was getting ready to leave for school. I didn't want a million dollars, I just wanted to be able to find my Mom at the cemetery. A year had gone by at the time since her death and I couldn't handle her being known as location L12. Needless to say I was a bawling mess driving to school that day.
I talk to my Mom often, wherever I am. I don't need to sit in front of her headstone to do that. She isn't there. Her body is, but her spirit isn't. My bestie talks to her too. *giggling* I was happy to get my wish granted. Not for me, but out of respect for my Mom. A symbol, that she was here. That she mattered. That she was my world. And for those who need to the tangible site to go and have a conversation. I do not. I "visit" her once a year......IF I can find her under the snow.
My theory is that she's either in the Jungle Room hanging out with Elvis or sitting on a cloud with Lobster Sr., looking down and conspiring. Hey, ya never know! Stranger things have happened. The idea makes me smile. :)
Yesterday I think my body finally felt the effects of the weekend, as it did not want to cooperate with me. Of course it didn't help that I decided to deep clean each of the party rooms at work on Monday. Frosting can be tricky to get out of carpet and I felt like Cinderella scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing...
I had a fitful night's rest, but this is nothing new. Waking up 3-4 times throughout the course of 4-6 hours is par for the course. At one point I noticed that my bestie was awake too. Again. We are not creatures of sleep ( see blog post Sleep is for Amateurs ).
As I sit here taking my few moments of zen, it begins to rain. Which means I need to hurry up and finish this blog so I can jump into the shower before I have to take my kids to the bus stop so they aren't standing out in it for too long.
My whole reason for this blog is because I've been slacking a bit on my 365 blog challenge. I've been busy and my mind has not had time to slow down and form a cohesive thought. Even now, I feel all over the place. lol
I woke up this morning with the thought of a sister I had and never had a chance to know. Weird huh? Perhaps I have spoken of her before, I cannot remember and I don't have the time to go back through my blogs and find out. Her name was Anna Lisa. I am her namesake. She died from heart complications when she was 3 months old. She was born and buried in the Philippines and when a volcano erupted was swept away along with countless others and taken under by a sea of lava. So I wouldn't know where to find her even if I wanted to.
I have a thing about going to the cemetery and visiting those who have passed. I rarely go visit my Mother's headstone. Her headstone was a Christmas Wish granted to me from a local radio station when I was a teenager. We couldn't afford a marker for her grave at the time, barely being able to afford her funeral expense. There was very little life insurance for her. So I took a chance and submitted my Christmas Wish request. I remember the morning I got the phone call that my wish was being granted. I was getting ready to leave for school. I didn't want a million dollars, I just wanted to be able to find my Mom at the cemetery. A year had gone by at the time since her death and I couldn't handle her being known as location L12. Needless to say I was a bawling mess driving to school that day.
I talk to my Mom often, wherever I am. I don't need to sit in front of her headstone to do that. She isn't there. Her body is, but her spirit isn't. My bestie talks to her too. *giggling* I was happy to get my wish granted. Not for me, but out of respect for my Mom. A symbol, that she was here. That she mattered. That she was my world. And for those who need to the tangible site to go and have a conversation. I do not. I "visit" her once a year......IF I can find her under the snow.
My theory is that she's either in the Jungle Room hanging out with Elvis or sitting on a cloud with Lobster Sr., looking down and conspiring. Hey, ya never know! Stranger things have happened. The idea makes me smile. :)
Monday, September 12, 2011
Multiple Choice....
When I.....
...am tired, I get quiet.
...wait too long too eat, I get a headache, lethargic...and quiet.
...am "ordered" to do something.....I get angry and defensive.
...am angry I am impulsive and way too often speak before I think.
...am pms'ing.....I withdraw. Piping hot french fries and a big ass Coke with extra ice are my cure. Just give them to me without saying a word and I will melt.
....am happy, I am a 6yr old energizer bunny.
...am interested in someone, I get extremely shy.
...am comfortable with someone I will introduce them to my sarcasm font and see how they handle it.
...am most comfortable in my own skin when I'm with my bestie.
...am embarrassed I stop talking.
...am in love........I am ALL in. I don't do love halfway....and I don't give up easily.
...am inspired, I create.
...am awake....I think and I move.....and move....and MOVE. I am ALWAYS thinking. ALWAYS moving.
...am confident.....I sing. It takes a LOT for me to record and upload, because when it comes to my craft I am a perfectionist. I rarely like hearing the playback of myself. Drives Mel crazy! lol
...am ignored or dismissed I doubt myself.
...am hurt....I stop talking and withdraw. Then my own personal pit bull comes out swingin. Not because I can't defend myself, but because she's fed up with me getting hurt. By *anyone*.
...I hear music, I dance. Whenever, wherever, with or without anyone else. If I don't have a floor, I dance in my head.
...am exhausted and stressed I cry in the shower and let the tears wash down the drain so no one sees me weak.
...am moved I cry wherever. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
...am wrong, I admit it and want to right it.
...am creating I am happy.
...am dancing I am happy.
...am singing I am happy.
...am loving I am happy.
....am loved for just being me......well....still waiting for that......but I know I'll be happy because it will be built from an honest place! :)
Women are complicated creatures aren't we? These? These are my Cliff notes. ;)
...am tired, I get quiet.
...wait too long too eat, I get a headache, lethargic...and quiet.
...am "ordered" to do something.....I get angry and defensive.
...am angry I am impulsive and way too often speak before I think.
...am pms'ing.....I withdraw. Piping hot french fries and a big ass Coke with extra ice are my cure. Just give them to me without saying a word and I will melt.
....am happy, I am a 6yr old energizer bunny.
...am interested in someone, I get extremely shy.
...am comfortable with someone I will introduce them to my sarcasm font and see how they handle it.
...am most comfortable in my own skin when I'm with my bestie.
...am embarrassed I stop talking.
...am in love........I am ALL in. I don't do love halfway....and I don't give up easily.
...am inspired, I create.
...am awake....I think and I move.....and move....and MOVE. I am ALWAYS thinking. ALWAYS moving.
...am confident.....I sing. It takes a LOT for me to record and upload, because when it comes to my craft I am a perfectionist. I rarely like hearing the playback of myself. Drives Mel crazy! lol
...am ignored or dismissed I doubt myself.
...am hurt....I stop talking and withdraw. Then my own personal pit bull comes out swingin. Not because I can't defend myself, but because she's fed up with me getting hurt. By *anyone*.
...I hear music, I dance. Whenever, wherever, with or without anyone else. If I don't have a floor, I dance in my head.
...am exhausted and stressed I cry in the shower and let the tears wash down the drain so no one sees me weak.
...am moved I cry wherever. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
...am wrong, I admit it and want to right it.
...am creating I am happy.
...am dancing I am happy.
...am singing I am happy.
...am loving I am happy.
....am loved for just being me......well....still waiting for that......but I know I'll be happy because it will be built from an honest place! :)
Women are complicated creatures aren't we? These? These are my Cliff notes. ;)
Friday, September 9, 2011
Mindful...
I can tell you exactly what I was doing that fateful day in September...10 years ago...
We were living in a townhouse just outside of St. Paul. I was a stay at home Mom at the time, having just given birth to my daughter three months before the attack. I was chasing after Handsome, who had turned 2 that July and was quite an active little Superman. I had just finished feeding Rabbit and putting her in her swing. In the midst of this usual morning chaos, my then husband called me and said, "Turn on the TV. Now."
I found the remote, flipped on the TV, and stood and watched just as the second plane flew into the World Trade Center. Suddenly, it was like all of the sound was sucked out of the room. I wasn't quite sure what I was seeing at first. Then, like coming up out of the deep end for air, I slowly heard the reporters and as the sound grew louder I sort of snapped back to attention and just sank onto the couch. I was, like everyone else at the time, in such shock and disbelief that it wouldn't register. My brain could not wrap around the idea that it was real.
We know all too well that it was very, very real.
I cannot offer any words of solace to the families of the loved ones whose lives were brutally taken that day. My thoughts and prayers cannot bring their loved ones back or bring them peace of mind. My profound gratitude and respect to the men and women who risk and sacrifice their lives to protect this country on a daily basis, will not effect them one way or another. They do not see me, they do not hear me, and the decision that they made to enter into their chosen profession had nothing whatsoever to with me personally.
However....
I come from a military family. My father served in the Air Force and my younger brother Matt is Fire Captain in Wisconsin and in his "spare" time works as a EMS Life Flight paramedic AND teaches courses. My other brother Mike is in the Army, currently living in Germany with his wife and two boys, after having finished his 4th tour. I have a deeper admiration and respect for those who risk and sacrifice because it is what I come from.
I will continue to offer words of comfort to my friends and the families and loved ones of those souls who were lost to US. I will continue to think of and pray for them in hopes that in some strange cosmic way it brings US all peace. I will continue to voice my profound gratitude and respect to the men and women who risk and sacrifice their lives on a daily basis to protect US. I don't care what religion, race, creed, color or political affiliation, at the end of the day..........as American citizens in this country............we all bleed Red, White, and Blue.
So, hold your loved ones close, pray for your enemies, forgive those who have wronged you, forgive yourself, keep an open mind and a willing heart and by the grace of God, or whomever you pray to if at all, be thankful for the FREEdom you have in this *very* moment to live the lives you lead, to love who your heart chooses and to make reality the most impossible of dreams....
......and Never Forget.
"We few.......we happy few....."
We were living in a townhouse just outside of St. Paul. I was a stay at home Mom at the time, having just given birth to my daughter three months before the attack. I was chasing after Handsome, who had turned 2 that July and was quite an active little Superman. I had just finished feeding Rabbit and putting her in her swing. In the midst of this usual morning chaos, my then husband called me and said, "Turn on the TV. Now."
I found the remote, flipped on the TV, and stood and watched just as the second plane flew into the World Trade Center. Suddenly, it was like all of the sound was sucked out of the room. I wasn't quite sure what I was seeing at first. Then, like coming up out of the deep end for air, I slowly heard the reporters and as the sound grew louder I sort of snapped back to attention and just sank onto the couch. I was, like everyone else at the time, in such shock and disbelief that it wouldn't register. My brain could not wrap around the idea that it was real.
We know all too well that it was very, very real.
I cannot offer any words of solace to the families of the loved ones whose lives were brutally taken that day. My thoughts and prayers cannot bring their loved ones back or bring them peace of mind. My profound gratitude and respect to the men and women who risk and sacrifice their lives to protect this country on a daily basis, will not effect them one way or another. They do not see me, they do not hear me, and the decision that they made to enter into their chosen profession had nothing whatsoever to with me personally.
However....
I come from a military family. My father served in the Air Force and my younger brother Matt is Fire Captain in Wisconsin and in his "spare" time works as a EMS Life Flight paramedic AND teaches courses. My other brother Mike is in the Army, currently living in Germany with his wife and two boys, after having finished his 4th tour. I have a deeper admiration and respect for those who risk and sacrifice because it is what I come from.
Matt, Me, Mike (OY! My face is all puffy from crying because they were leaving from a surprise visit)
I will continue to offer words of comfort to my friends and the families and loved ones of those souls who were lost to US. I will continue to think of and pray for them in hopes that in some strange cosmic way it brings US all peace. I will continue to voice my profound gratitude and respect to the men and women who risk and sacrifice their lives on a daily basis to protect US. I don't care what religion, race, creed, color or political affiliation, at the end of the day..........as American citizens in this country............we all bleed Red, White, and Blue.
So, hold your loved ones close, pray for your enemies, forgive those who have wronged you, forgive yourself, keep an open mind and a willing heart and by the grace of God, or whomever you pray to if at all, be thankful for the FREEdom you have in this *very* moment to live the lives you lead, to love who your heart chooses and to make reality the most impossible of dreams....
......and Never Forget.
"We few.......we happy few....."
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Breathless...
A dear friend of mine posed a question on Twitter this morning....
"Say you met someone, loved madly & then learned that one of you has only a moment left.Could you throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet willingly?"
Without hesitation, I said, "YES!"
For all the cynical things I have said about love there is a big part of my heart that still believes in fairy tales. I keep trying to push it away, but it's a defense mechanism to protect the part of my heart that gets hurt when it hopes.
I have polycystic kidney disease. For those who are new to this blog or just aren't aware read this... http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/polycystic/ and then go here http://www.pkdcure.org/teamnukappa/ and THEN become an organ donor if you aren't one.
Was diagnosed just shortly after giving birth to my daughter. In a routine checkup my doctor decided it would be a good idea to do a baseline since my father had the disease and his father before him. I take after my Dad's physicality so the odds of inheriting the disease were pretty good. Sadly, I don't know a thing about my Mother's side. Not. One. Thing. I have no idea how many sibling's she had, if any, how many cousins I may have in the Philippines. Grandparents I never met. Nothing. Someday soon I will investigate that side of my ancestry.
Anyway, sure enough, the ultrasound performed on my kidneys showed happy little cysts frolicking about. Those cysts are multiplying as we speak and will eventually prevent my kidneys from doing their job, thus requiring me to either go on dialysis or find a donor. Without hesitation Mel offered hers when she found out. She hasn't been tested yet and there's a possibility she will not be a match, which means I'll be back to square one.
There is no cure, no treatment. My kidneys WILL fail. Only thing I can do on my end to help myself are maintain a low blood pressure and watch the intake of certain things like caffeine and sodium. They measure kidney function through something called "Creatnine". Levels are 1 through 5. The lower the number, the better. You get to 5 and you're at renal failure/transplant level. Or what I lovingly refer to as Defcon 1. It sucks because I love food and am gonna have to give up the things I love. I don't drink and I don't smoke, which helps, but I've already had to cut back on my Coca-Cola intake because I can feel the effects when I drink it. I have to watch my potassium intake as well which means I'll have to give up potatoes. You know what THAT means?! No. More. Fries. Wanna know what else I'll have to give up? That's right.....cheese. *cries*
I don't wanna even THINK about that right now.
Between the many forms of hell I've gone through, I live with this disease, but I do not let it own me. I get frustrated this time of year when I'm heavily searching for donors in support of our annual Walk for PKD. We've had 3 donors. 3. Millions of BH's and 3 people have donated for a total of $60. Granted it is $60 dollars more than we had last week, but I see hundreds of BH's donating to Komen, and I get a little discouraged. I may not be Komen, and I may not be backed or supported by a New Kid, but that doesn't mean my cause is any less important. This was part of my agitation the other day. I will make my contribution and I will walk arm and arm with my bestie and she will be the only one who walks beside me on the 18th. *streaming tears* I just need a minute....
*deep breath.....drying tears*
Sorry about that. I worry about this disease affecting my love life. It's not something I dwell on, but it crosses my mind every once in a while. What if......what if he can't handle the idea that one day I'll have to go to dialysis 3 nights a week for 4 hours a stretch or that If say for instance, Mel is a match but my body rejects the kidney and I don't survive. It's a possibility. It happens. OR, I get the new kidney, and it takes, but then rejects it after two years and another donor cannot be found. pops was on dialysis for 2 YEARS before he was given the miracle of a living donor.
My father's story http://www.lemarssentinel.com/story/1590919.html
These are all realistic concerns for me. I haven't exactly had much success in love, and like I said, I don't dwell on it....but always in honesty.....the thought is there. So, when my friend posted the question and I answered, it's because not only do I want that for myself, but if I were to meet someone, love madly and find out he would only have a moment left, I would never run, or doubt that right next to him was where I was meant to be. We are always where we are meant to be.
With every fiber of my being I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We may not know what that reason is at the time, but *in* time the reason will reveal itself. People come into our lives to teach us, learn from us, take from us, love us. Which is why I will hold out for a champion, that has a heart like mine who will want me for *me*. Who will love and respect this mind, this soul and this broken body for however long God grants me the breath and the strength.
Who will tell me often that I leave him.... http://youtu.be/MxKUQMNGvlo
"Say you met someone, loved madly & then learned that one of you has only a moment left.Could you throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet willingly?"
Without hesitation, I said, "YES!"
For all the cynical things I have said about love there is a big part of my heart that still believes in fairy tales. I keep trying to push it away, but it's a defense mechanism to protect the part of my heart that gets hurt when it hopes.
I have polycystic kidney disease. For those who are new to this blog or just aren't aware read this... http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/polycystic/ and then go here http://www.pkdcure.org/teamnukappa/ and THEN become an organ donor if you aren't one.
Was diagnosed just shortly after giving birth to my daughter. In a routine checkup my doctor decided it would be a good idea to do a baseline since my father had the disease and his father before him. I take after my Dad's physicality so the odds of inheriting the disease were pretty good. Sadly, I don't know a thing about my Mother's side. Not. One. Thing. I have no idea how many sibling's she had, if any, how many cousins I may have in the Philippines. Grandparents I never met. Nothing. Someday soon I will investigate that side of my ancestry.
Anyway, sure enough, the ultrasound performed on my kidneys showed happy little cysts frolicking about. Those cysts are multiplying as we speak and will eventually prevent my kidneys from doing their job, thus requiring me to either go on dialysis or find a donor. Without hesitation Mel offered hers when she found out. She hasn't been tested yet and there's a possibility she will not be a match, which means I'll be back to square one.
There is no cure, no treatment. My kidneys WILL fail. Only thing I can do on my end to help myself are maintain a low blood pressure and watch the intake of certain things like caffeine and sodium. They measure kidney function through something called "Creatnine". Levels are 1 through 5. The lower the number, the better. You get to 5 and you're at renal failure/transplant level. Or what I lovingly refer to as Defcon 1. It sucks because I love food and am gonna have to give up the things I love. I don't drink and I don't smoke, which helps, but I've already had to cut back on my Coca-Cola intake because I can feel the effects when I drink it. I have to watch my potassium intake as well which means I'll have to give up potatoes. You know what THAT means?! No. More. Fries. Wanna know what else I'll have to give up? That's right.....cheese. *cries*
I don't wanna even THINK about that right now.
Between the many forms of hell I've gone through, I live with this disease, but I do not let it own me. I get frustrated this time of year when I'm heavily searching for donors in support of our annual Walk for PKD. We've had 3 donors. 3. Millions of BH's and 3 people have donated for a total of $60. Granted it is $60 dollars more than we had last week, but I see hundreds of BH's donating to Komen, and I get a little discouraged. I may not be Komen, and I may not be backed or supported by a New Kid, but that doesn't mean my cause is any less important. This was part of my agitation the other day. I will make my contribution and I will walk arm and arm with my bestie and she will be the only one who walks beside me on the 18th. *streaming tears* I just need a minute....
*deep breath.....drying tears*
Sorry about that. I worry about this disease affecting my love life. It's not something I dwell on, but it crosses my mind every once in a while. What if......what if he can't handle the idea that one day I'll have to go to dialysis 3 nights a week for 4 hours a stretch or that If say for instance, Mel is a match but my body rejects the kidney and I don't survive. It's a possibility. It happens. OR, I get the new kidney, and it takes, but then rejects it after two years and another donor cannot be found. pops was on dialysis for 2 YEARS before he was given the miracle of a living donor.
My father's story http://www.lemarssentinel.com/story/1590919.html
These are all realistic concerns for me. I haven't exactly had much success in love, and like I said, I don't dwell on it....but always in honesty.....the thought is there. So, when my friend posted the question and I answered, it's because not only do I want that for myself, but if I were to meet someone, love madly and find out he would only have a moment left, I would never run, or doubt that right next to him was where I was meant to be. We are always where we are meant to be.
With every fiber of my being I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We may not know what that reason is at the time, but *in* time the reason will reveal itself. People come into our lives to teach us, learn from us, take from us, love us. Which is why I will hold out for a champion, that has a heart like mine who will want me for *me*. Who will love and respect this mind, this soul and this broken body for however long God grants me the breath and the strength.
Who will tell me often that I leave him.... http://youtu.be/MxKUQMNGvlo
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Just A Day....
When I talk about my brain being on overdrive and having to decompress, this is what I mean...
I got home from a full day of living about 30 minutes ago, and right into Mommy Mode. My kids stayed home tonight because my daughter has pictures tomorrow and wants her hair curled. She wanted her brother to stay with her because, well, she just did. *shrug* So he stayed to. Let's run down my day shall we?
My alarm went off at 6:20 this morning and I promptly got up and woke up my daughter. This routine consists of going into her room, turning off her night light, switching *on* her desk lamp, and kissing her forehead. She usually wakes up right away (much like her mother), takes a big stretch and then we begin the process of the morning ritual. I ask her what she wants for breakfast, I then go make it. After it's ready, I take the lunch calendar off the fridge and bring it and her breakfast back to her room. She usually eats in there. We go over her lunch options and if she doesn't like what's available, I then go fix her a cold lunch to take, returning the lunch menu to the fridge. (Handsome always eats school lunch)
After I get her lunch figured out, I make sure her daily school planner is signed (she gets "points" if it is signed by a parent every day and "points" taken away if it's not). Next, I go check the weather for the day, because she will inevitably ask me. It determines what she's going to wear. ("Duh mom") THEN I pour myself a cup of coffee and wake up Handsome. By now, it's almost 7am. He can be ready to go in 10-15 minutes. It's the waking up part that he struggles with, although I must say he's doing much better this year.
While they finish getting ready to go, I'll sit down at my desk and hop online for a bit. Handsome sometimes goes out to shoot a few baskets if he has time. Rabbit is usually done getting ready about 20 minutes before she needs to leave for the bus, and ends up asking me every three minutes if it's time to go yet. She LOVES school. Then I send them on their merry way. Now, this schedule varies depending on the day. Handsome is in the midst of OPUS Honor choir rehearsals, preparing his audition piece. If he makes it in, it will be his third year. It's a HUGE deal. Very few kids get selected from each school into this All State Choir. So, on the days he rehearses he has to get dropped off at a different bus location an hour earlier than usual. Rabbit is younger so her rehearsals are after school starting this week. It will be her first year auditioning. They didn't have anything like this when I was their age. I didn't make All State until I was a Sophmore in H.S.
I asked her, "How will you handle it, if for some reason you don't get selected and your brother does?" Her response held no hesitation. "Well I will be thankful for the opportunity and I will try again next year." :)
Moving on, depending on what time I have to be at work determines how my morning will go. This morning did not start out well for me. I wasn't crabby, I just felt......"off". Agitated may be a better word. I was gonna lay down for a bit to try and shake it, but then I remembered I had a conference call at 9am so that didn't happen. After the call I had to hop in the shower and get ready to go, because I had an early lunch meeting downtown. First, I had to call and schedule a haircut appointment for Handsome since his pics are on Thursday. Then I stopped into the salon and paid for his haircut so all he had to do was walk up the street after school to get the cut. Then I headed off to my meeting.That meeting put a significantly lighter bounce in my step.
Starting Oct. 2nd I will be teaching an Adult Beginner Hip Hop, Adult Int/Adv Hip Hop and an Adult Tap class in the East Village of Des Moines. I got pouty when someone got excited and thought I was gonna be teaching in Manhattan. Nope.....not yet. But this is a step in the right direction. I was just saying the other day how I miss teaching, and a the sound my taps make on a wood floor. Then, a few days later, I'm on Facebook and there's a small little ad for a studio that may rent space. I thought, "Hmmm...I wonder how much they would charge me to rent the space so I can offer drop-in classes." After I contacted the studio owner she told me she was actually looking for another teacher and wanted to meet with me to see if it was a good fit. This convo was yesterday. I met her for lunch today and we worked it out.
I love that it is not a "traditional" studio and is more like studios on either coast, where they run sessions and offer drop-in classes. This particular studio only offers 18yrs old and over classes, and I'm okay with that too. The best part is I won't be under a strict contract, which means I can still travel and choreograph or guest teach or perform when and where I'm needed.
So...I thought it......I spoke it.....and the universe caught it. Now, if I could just get it to catch this other thing I keep lobbin' up in the air. Someday..... perhaps.
Next, I headed off to my day job. I won't go into that, but there were a few humorous moments for sure.
Came home and got a rundown of my kids day, threw Rabbit into the shower, kissed Handsome goodnight, threw on my pj's, got Rabbit out of the shower and into bed and then sat down at my desk, hopped online to play my words in the 4 separate games of Words with Friends I have currently going, lurked on Twitter for a bit and then decided it was a good time to blog.
Now, I'm going to take my makeup off, crawl into bed and decompress a bit before setting my alarm, and going to sleep. 6:20am will punch me in the face soon enough. Most nights, since I really don't sleep more than four hours at a time, I'll end up grabbing my BB in the middle of the night and lurk. I'll respond every now and then, but I usually just check to see what my bestie has been up to in the wee small hours of the morning. Sometimes I'll tweet, or sometimes we'll chat via BBM. If I don't have to work the following day, then I'll stay online later and take a short nap before getting the kids through the morning routine.
Not the case tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to be to work by 9AM so it's probably a good time to stop talking and go do what I said I was gonna do. Being a Mom is a full time job. Being a single Mom makes it that much more challenging. Now, add two paying jobs to that. I have said many times.....I don't do well with idle. I don't sit still well. I get antsy and restless. I have also said.... I have never been afraid to work.
Now if you'll excuse me.... apparently I need to check the Power Ball.
Then bed.......I think.
I got home from a full day of living about 30 minutes ago, and right into Mommy Mode. My kids stayed home tonight because my daughter has pictures tomorrow and wants her hair curled. She wanted her brother to stay with her because, well, she just did. *shrug* So he stayed to. Let's run down my day shall we?
My alarm went off at 6:20 this morning and I promptly got up and woke up my daughter. This routine consists of going into her room, turning off her night light, switching *on* her desk lamp, and kissing her forehead. She usually wakes up right away (much like her mother), takes a big stretch and then we begin the process of the morning ritual. I ask her what she wants for breakfast, I then go make it. After it's ready, I take the lunch calendar off the fridge and bring it and her breakfast back to her room. She usually eats in there. We go over her lunch options and if she doesn't like what's available, I then go fix her a cold lunch to take, returning the lunch menu to the fridge. (Handsome always eats school lunch)
After I get her lunch figured out, I make sure her daily school planner is signed (she gets "points" if it is signed by a parent every day and "points" taken away if it's not). Next, I go check the weather for the day, because she will inevitably ask me. It determines what she's going to wear. ("Duh mom") THEN I pour myself a cup of coffee and wake up Handsome. By now, it's almost 7am. He can be ready to go in 10-15 minutes. It's the waking up part that he struggles with, although I must say he's doing much better this year.
While they finish getting ready to go, I'll sit down at my desk and hop online for a bit. Handsome sometimes goes out to shoot a few baskets if he has time. Rabbit is usually done getting ready about 20 minutes before she needs to leave for the bus, and ends up asking me every three minutes if it's time to go yet. She LOVES school. Then I send them on their merry way. Now, this schedule varies depending on the day. Handsome is in the midst of OPUS Honor choir rehearsals, preparing his audition piece. If he makes it in, it will be his third year. It's a HUGE deal. Very few kids get selected from each school into this All State Choir. So, on the days he rehearses he has to get dropped off at a different bus location an hour earlier than usual. Rabbit is younger so her rehearsals are after school starting this week. It will be her first year auditioning. They didn't have anything like this when I was their age. I didn't make All State until I was a Sophmore in H.S.
I asked her, "How will you handle it, if for some reason you don't get selected and your brother does?" Her response held no hesitation. "Well I will be thankful for the opportunity and I will try again next year." :)
Moving on, depending on what time I have to be at work determines how my morning will go. This morning did not start out well for me. I wasn't crabby, I just felt......"off". Agitated may be a better word. I was gonna lay down for a bit to try and shake it, but then I remembered I had a conference call at 9am so that didn't happen. After the call I had to hop in the shower and get ready to go, because I had an early lunch meeting downtown. First, I had to call and schedule a haircut appointment for Handsome since his pics are on Thursday. Then I stopped into the salon and paid for his haircut so all he had to do was walk up the street after school to get the cut. Then I headed off to my meeting.That meeting put a significantly lighter bounce in my step.
Starting Oct. 2nd I will be teaching an Adult Beginner Hip Hop, Adult Int/Adv Hip Hop and an Adult Tap class in the East Village of Des Moines. I got pouty when someone got excited and thought I was gonna be teaching in Manhattan. Nope.....not yet. But this is a step in the right direction. I was just saying the other day how I miss teaching, and a the sound my taps make on a wood floor. Then, a few days later, I'm on Facebook and there's a small little ad for a studio that may rent space. I thought, "Hmmm...I wonder how much they would charge me to rent the space so I can offer drop-in classes." After I contacted the studio owner she told me she was actually looking for another teacher and wanted to meet with me to see if it was a good fit. This convo was yesterday. I met her for lunch today and we worked it out.
I love that it is not a "traditional" studio and is more like studios on either coast, where they run sessions and offer drop-in classes. This particular studio only offers 18yrs old and over classes, and I'm okay with that too. The best part is I won't be under a strict contract, which means I can still travel and choreograph or guest teach or perform when and where I'm needed.
So...I thought it......I spoke it.....and the universe caught it. Now, if I could just get it to catch this other thing I keep lobbin' up in the air. Someday..... perhaps.
Next, I headed off to my day job. I won't go into that, but there were a few humorous moments for sure.
Came home and got a rundown of my kids day, threw Rabbit into the shower, kissed Handsome goodnight, threw on my pj's, got Rabbit out of the shower and into bed and then sat down at my desk, hopped online to play my words in the 4 separate games of Words with Friends I have currently going, lurked on Twitter for a bit and then decided it was a good time to blog.
Now, I'm going to take my makeup off, crawl into bed and decompress a bit before setting my alarm, and going to sleep. 6:20am will punch me in the face soon enough. Most nights, since I really don't sleep more than four hours at a time, I'll end up grabbing my BB in the middle of the night and lurk. I'll respond every now and then, but I usually just check to see what my bestie has been up to in the wee small hours of the morning. Sometimes I'll tweet, or sometimes we'll chat via BBM. If I don't have to work the following day, then I'll stay online later and take a short nap before getting the kids through the morning routine.
Not the case tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to be to work by 9AM so it's probably a good time to stop talking and go do what I said I was gonna do. Being a Mom is a full time job. Being a single Mom makes it that much more challenging. Now, add two paying jobs to that. I have said many times.....I don't do well with idle. I don't sit still well. I get antsy and restless. I have also said.... I have never been afraid to work.
Now if you'll excuse me.... apparently I need to check the Power Ball.
Then bed.......I think.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Two Cans and a String......
When I was a kid, I had more friends that were boys than I had friends that were girls. They were more fun to be around, had more of my same interests and were just easier to talk to. When I hit puberty that changed..... a little. I had less friends all around. I was, and still am a misfit. As I get older, I become more and more content with that knowledge. I have very few that I let get close. I'm quite friendly, but there's a difference ya know?
Communication is a HUGE thing for me. I intensely dislike to be talked over. It's a bully move, and pisses me off. I don't debate for this very reason. Have I ever talked over someone? Yes. Am I proud of that? No. Has it ever been in general conversation? No. In a fight? Yes. I'm not what you would call an 'opinionated person'. However, if I feel strongly about something.....you'll know.
I don't like to be talked down to. Who does? If someone makes me feel stupid, belittles me- *especially* in public- or dismisses me like a child, I can promise you they'll only get away with it once. I have learned the hard way to never let that happen again. Ever.
It seems to me that women have an issue communicating with each other when it involves confrontation. I abhor it. I avoid it at all costs, BUT, if I have wronged someone, or said something that they took offense to, I want to know. I want to be able to fix it. To right whatever I did wrong. Take for instance that lady the other night who said I should be fired. After the mad rush of people checking in I went to look for her on the floor, so I could explain my confusion in what she needed the band for, but she was nowhere to be found.
I have a big issue with people being mad at me. I don't like it, and I ALWAYS want to fix it. Now, when someone doesn't allow me to do that, there's nothing I can do but accept it. It will stick in my paw like a thorn, but eventually I'll have no choice but to let it, and perhaps them, go. If you don't like me for whatever assumptions you have about me without actually getting to know me or spend any "real" time with me, then that's *your* issue and I shall carry on about my day no worse for wear.
However, I will always seek the chance to right my wrong. If you have a problem with me, then I expect you to do the adult thing and Talk. To. Me. I don't like gossip. If you have an issue with someone, address it with them. I will listen, but then, my advice will be, "Talk to them." I have NO use for a grapevine. None. So, if you're looking for the, "OMG did you hear that so and so did this, and so and so said that" you got the *wrong * chick kids.
This blog isn't about anyone specific. I don't have an issue with anyone. If I did, I'd be taking it up with them. Unless, of course you're just plain Bat Shit Crazy, and have like 10 Twitter accounts and 15 names, then I just shake my head and walk away. I've just been seein some ish on Twitter lately that makes me want to just walk away from the whole thing.
It goes back to my whole thing about being loving and honest and authentic. Whatever happened to the art of conversation? A smile? A look? A touch of a hand? A hug? A laugh? I have said this before, but it's SO true. Nowadays, with texting and emailing and BBMing and IMing.....it's all open to interpretation and perception. Without hearing the sound and inflection in someones voice, or seeing the look in their eyes or their body language, SO much can get lost.
Bottom line is this.......just.........talk to me. I'll be right here.......chillin...........in my fort. Use the can at the bottom of the tree and I'll send the rope ladder down so you can climb up....and if you're lucky......I'll share my cookies. ;)
Communication is a HUGE thing for me. I intensely dislike to be talked over. It's a bully move, and pisses me off. I don't debate for this very reason. Have I ever talked over someone? Yes. Am I proud of that? No. Has it ever been in general conversation? No. In a fight? Yes. I'm not what you would call an 'opinionated person'. However, if I feel strongly about something.....you'll know.
I don't like to be talked down to. Who does? If someone makes me feel stupid, belittles me- *especially* in public- or dismisses me like a child, I can promise you they'll only get away with it once. I have learned the hard way to never let that happen again. Ever.
It seems to me that women have an issue communicating with each other when it involves confrontation. I abhor it. I avoid it at all costs, BUT, if I have wronged someone, or said something that they took offense to, I want to know. I want to be able to fix it. To right whatever I did wrong. Take for instance that lady the other night who said I should be fired. After the mad rush of people checking in I went to look for her on the floor, so I could explain my confusion in what she needed the band for, but she was nowhere to be found.
I have a big issue with people being mad at me. I don't like it, and I ALWAYS want to fix it. Now, when someone doesn't allow me to do that, there's nothing I can do but accept it. It will stick in my paw like a thorn, but eventually I'll have no choice but to let it, and perhaps them, go. If you don't like me for whatever assumptions you have about me without actually getting to know me or spend any "real" time with me, then that's *your* issue and I shall carry on about my day no worse for wear.
However, I will always seek the chance to right my wrong. If you have a problem with me, then I expect you to do the adult thing and Talk. To. Me. I don't like gossip. If you have an issue with someone, address it with them. I will listen, but then, my advice will be, "Talk to them." I have NO use for a grapevine. None. So, if you're looking for the, "OMG did you hear that so and so did this, and so and so said that" you got the *wrong * chick kids.
This blog isn't about anyone specific. I don't have an issue with anyone. If I did, I'd be taking it up with them. Unless, of course you're just plain Bat Shit Crazy, and have like 10 Twitter accounts and 15 names, then I just shake my head and walk away. I've just been seein some ish on Twitter lately that makes me want to just walk away from the whole thing.
It goes back to my whole thing about being loving and honest and authentic. Whatever happened to the art of conversation? A smile? A look? A touch of a hand? A hug? A laugh? I have said this before, but it's SO true. Nowadays, with texting and emailing and BBMing and IMing.....it's all open to interpretation and perception. Without hearing the sound and inflection in someones voice, or seeing the look in their eyes or their body language, SO much can get lost.
Bottom line is this.......just.........talk to me. I'll be right here.......chillin...........in my fort. Use the can at the bottom of the tree and I'll send the rope ladder down so you can climb up....and if you're lucky......I'll share my cookies. ;)
Baby, baby, baby ohhhhh....
It has been three very long days at work, followed by a parade this morning that I ended up bouncin from, on account that the giant purple monkey that I was supposed to be walkin with, got lost somewhere on I35 and wouldn't make it on time. It was a complete waste of 3 hours this morning, but thems the breaks kid. Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're....well....me.
Mel and I and our friends were sitting outside of the venue in Chicago, opening night of the NKOTBSB summer tour in May. We were there for a few hours, having gotten there early to pick up our tix and make sure our friend Tara was there on time for her Meet and Greet. Anyway, after a couple of hours of people watching....ALWAYS a good time.... I *may* have gotten excited when it was time to go in, and I *may* have climbed on a friends car and planted myself on her windshield like a bug. *shrug* If you know me, you'll know this is not a surprising occurrence. lmao
I have the rest of the day off and part of it will be spent, keeping after my son to get his room clean. May upload a new cover, we'll see how I'm feeling. I was gonna take my kids to a movie later, but there really isn't anything out they want to see. Handsome is king of procrastination, so it may take him the rest of the day to get his room clean. He assured me upon getting out of the shower just now that he'll have it done in the next two hours. If you could see his room, that is a lofty goal. OY! I told him to surprise me. We'll see how it plays out.
I have a meeting tomorrow before lunch with the owner of a studio, about possible teaching opportunities. She owns a space and offers drop-in classes in various styles and is looking for more teachers. So we'll have a little chat tomorrow and see if what I have to offer fits what she's looking for. If it gets me in a studio, and on a floor and my head back where the creativity flows, then I'm all about it. That reminds me.....
Dance BREAK!!!!! Shall we? http://youtu.be/kffacxfA7G4
Like this... ;) http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1958641882894&set=t.562024960&type=1
Mel and I and our friends were sitting outside of the venue in Chicago, opening night of the NKOTBSB summer tour in May. We were there for a few hours, having gotten there early to pick up our tix and make sure our friend Tara was there on time for her Meet and Greet. Anyway, after a couple of hours of people watching....ALWAYS a good time.... I *may* have gotten excited when it was time to go in, and I *may* have climbed on a friends car and planted myself on her windshield like a bug. *shrug* If you know me, you'll know this is not a surprising occurrence. lmao
I have the rest of the day off and part of it will be spent, keeping after my son to get his room clean. May upload a new cover, we'll see how I'm feeling. I was gonna take my kids to a movie later, but there really isn't anything out they want to see. Handsome is king of procrastination, so it may take him the rest of the day to get his room clean. He assured me upon getting out of the shower just now that he'll have it done in the next two hours. If you could see his room, that is a lofty goal. OY! I told him to surprise me. We'll see how it plays out.
I have a meeting tomorrow before lunch with the owner of a studio, about possible teaching opportunities. She owns a space and offers drop-in classes in various styles and is looking for more teachers. So we'll have a little chat tomorrow and see if what I have to offer fits what she's looking for. If it gets me in a studio, and on a floor and my head back where the creativity flows, then I'm all about it. That reminds me.....
Dance BREAK!!!!! Shall we? http://youtu.be/kffacxfA7G4
Like this... ;) http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1958641882894&set=t.562024960&type=1
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Meanwhile.....Back at the Batcave....
Holy crazy busy day at work Batman! Short staffed and being up 174% on our day makes for at *least* one customer complaint. Well, kind of. A visibly frazzled Mom came up to the front desk in the middle of a check-in rush tonight. She cut in line, held up her toddler and snapped, "I need a band. This is my child and I need a band." Now, the wristband on said child had been pulled on and looked a bit mangled, so I assumed that she wanted me to replace the one on her child, until another Mom behind her said, "No. SHE needs one."
I looked at the Mom and calmly said, " Okay." Our wristbands are color coded for security reasons. The kids get one color and the adults get a different one. So, I just switched colors. Easy. As I'm doing this the lady says to her friend with a lovely snotty voice, " Well, I SAID *I* need one, not my kid." So, me being me, I smiled and said, " I'm sorry that I didn't know what you needed it for." Her response was, "It's not that hard."
I said to her, "Okay, " and I gave her the band. She then whips by my part timer and says to her, "That lady needs to be fired." *sigh* People. SMH
Meanwhile........back at the Batcave.......I'm finally sitting down for a length of time since this morning. My body hurts from running around and my mind is on overdrive. It'll take me a while to wind down, but I have Psych to keep me company. This is one of my favorite shows. The banter between the two main characters Gus and Sean is perfection to me. It's the kind of witty repartee that Mel and I constantly have. *shrug* The show just makes me happy. The new season doesn't start til October, and I can't WAIT to see the episode that Joe Mac guest stars on. Gonna be fun! :)
That's pretty much all I have to report tonight, other than my Hawkeyes won today! WOOO!!!!
Nothing deep or reflective tonight , because quite frankly I'm not in a great frame of mind, so I'm gonna lay in bed for a while, see who wants to play Words with Friends and chill. 10 hour day tomorrow, so I need to decompress tonight.
Enjoy your night, hold the ones you love close and remember, if you wake up tomorrow then you have another chance to get it right. :)
I looked at the Mom and calmly said, " Okay." Our wristbands are color coded for security reasons. The kids get one color and the adults get a different one. So, I just switched colors. Easy. As I'm doing this the lady says to her friend with a lovely snotty voice, " Well, I SAID *I* need one, not my kid." So, me being me, I smiled and said, " I'm sorry that I didn't know what you needed it for." Her response was, "It's not that hard."
I said to her, "Okay, " and I gave her the band. She then whips by my part timer and says to her, "That lady needs to be fired." *sigh* People. SMH
Meanwhile........back at the Batcave.......I'm finally sitting down for a length of time since this morning. My body hurts from running around and my mind is on overdrive. It'll take me a while to wind down, but I have Psych to keep me company. This is one of my favorite shows. The banter between the two main characters Gus and Sean is perfection to me. It's the kind of witty repartee that Mel and I constantly have. *shrug* The show just makes me happy. The new season doesn't start til October, and I can't WAIT to see the episode that Joe Mac guest stars on. Gonna be fun! :)
That's pretty much all I have to report tonight, other than my Hawkeyes won today! WOOO!!!!
Nothing deep or reflective tonight , because quite frankly I'm not in a great frame of mind, so I'm gonna lay in bed for a while, see who wants to play Words with Friends and chill. 10 hour day tomorrow, so I need to decompress tonight.
Enjoy your night, hold the ones you love close and remember, if you wake up tomorrow then you have another chance to get it right. :)
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Soulmate...
I spent a little time today trying to think of what I was to write about tonight. Then I asked a friend a question and got a response that elicited and emotion from me I haven't felt in a while.
Loneliness.
I don't feel it very often because I'm surrounded by people. My kids show me love, my bestie shows me love, and the people I work with are fun to be around. The kids that I work with keep me on my toes too!
Tonight I was putting clean sheets on my son's bed and asked the aforementioned friend if he has trouble with his boys keeping their rooms clean. His response was quick and just what I needed to hear.
When I was married, my house always felt sterile. Cold. Everything had it's place. It was not a place that felt lived in. My ex would be the first to share the story that when he was a kid every hot wheel had an assigned spot and all his comic books were in order. So much so that when he met, who would soon become his best friend to this day, he didn't like him at first. This kid was over at his house because he liked my exes twin sister, who in turn got pissed at the kid because he noticed one of his comic books was out of place. Now, if you could see these boxes, which he still has, you would have NO way of knowing what goes where. There weren't any labels. The system was in his head. That, is mild compared to how he had to have *everything*, well, perfectly in it's place.
I remember growing up and my brothers rooms were always trashed, but I must've forgotten that somewhere along the way. The reason the answer I got struck me, is because in that moment, it was nice to have a male perspective. One that's realistic. Just a friend kids. He's happily married and gave me little advice tonight. Someone who is a father himself. Who didn't yell at me for not making sure my son's room was clean and organized. A guy, who in one short sentence, made me feel like I was doing something right. So if you're reading this (you know who you are) ....thank you. :*)
I sat there for just a moment after that and cried with relief. Not because the actual words were profound, but because someone thought I was doing okay. It's hard as a single Mom, and every time I would open my son's bedroom door part of me would say, "He's 12. It's supposed to look like this." Then there was a voice in my head telling me, "You better clean it up and put it right before 'he' gets home." Knowing full well that the person who would've yelled at me, no longer lives here, but there are some things that are hard to forget. For the most part I do pretty well, and am content. Every once in a while 'that' voice creeps into my head and pulls me down again. I don't let it stay there, but it's another example of the 'triggers' I had talked about before.
My bestie and I talk about our kids and being parents, often. She is going through some things herself right now, but she has a husband who stands by her. That one of the core things they had determined as a 'team', as partners, is that through it all they stand by each other as such. She said to me as we sat in her kitchen the other day talking over coffee, that one of the first things her hubby said in defense of her in a difficult situation was, "You will NOT disrespect my WIFE."
She can testify to the fact that, that statement alone made me cry. The fact that she had someone to fight for her, fight next to her was so moving to me. It may seem silly, but to me that's a sign of a champion. Chivalry is not completely lost. It's a beautiful thing and she is blessed to have that, and it gives me hope.
Anyway, the lonely part hit when I realized I don't have that male counterpart to bounce things off of. To say things like, "Is his room supposed be like this?" and to him say, " He's 12. Yup." Someone to reassure me that I'm okay. I don't need a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. I'm a pretty independent kinda gal. Some may think I have my sights set too high, not those closest to me of course, but are they really that high when you *know* he exists? That everything you have ever wanted in a guy is right there, in your line of sight, but just slightly out if reach?
It's frustrating.
Loneliness.
I don't feel it very often because I'm surrounded by people. My kids show me love, my bestie shows me love, and the people I work with are fun to be around. The kids that I work with keep me on my toes too!
Tonight I was putting clean sheets on my son's bed and asked the aforementioned friend if he has trouble with his boys keeping their rooms clean. His response was quick and just what I needed to hear.
When I was married, my house always felt sterile. Cold. Everything had it's place. It was not a place that felt lived in. My ex would be the first to share the story that when he was a kid every hot wheel had an assigned spot and all his comic books were in order. So much so that when he met, who would soon become his best friend to this day, he didn't like him at first. This kid was over at his house because he liked my exes twin sister, who in turn got pissed at the kid because he noticed one of his comic books was out of place. Now, if you could see these boxes, which he still has, you would have NO way of knowing what goes where. There weren't any labels. The system was in his head. That, is mild compared to how he had to have *everything*, well, perfectly in it's place.
I remember growing up and my brothers rooms were always trashed, but I must've forgotten that somewhere along the way. The reason the answer I got struck me, is because in that moment, it was nice to have a male perspective. One that's realistic. Just a friend kids. He's happily married and gave me little advice tonight. Someone who is a father himself. Who didn't yell at me for not making sure my son's room was clean and organized. A guy, who in one short sentence, made me feel like I was doing something right. So if you're reading this (you know who you are) ....thank you. :*)
I sat there for just a moment after that and cried with relief. Not because the actual words were profound, but because someone thought I was doing okay. It's hard as a single Mom, and every time I would open my son's bedroom door part of me would say, "He's 12. It's supposed to look like this." Then there was a voice in my head telling me, "You better clean it up and put it right before 'he' gets home." Knowing full well that the person who would've yelled at me, no longer lives here, but there are some things that are hard to forget. For the most part I do pretty well, and am content. Every once in a while 'that' voice creeps into my head and pulls me down again. I don't let it stay there, but it's another example of the 'triggers' I had talked about before.
My bestie and I talk about our kids and being parents, often. She is going through some things herself right now, but she has a husband who stands by her. That one of the core things they had determined as a 'team', as partners, is that through it all they stand by each other as such. She said to me as we sat in her kitchen the other day talking over coffee, that one of the first things her hubby said in defense of her in a difficult situation was, "You will NOT disrespect my WIFE."
She can testify to the fact that, that statement alone made me cry. The fact that she had someone to fight for her, fight next to her was so moving to me. It may seem silly, but to me that's a sign of a champion. Chivalry is not completely lost. It's a beautiful thing and she is blessed to have that, and it gives me hope.
Anyway, the lonely part hit when I realized I don't have that male counterpart to bounce things off of. To say things like, "Is his room supposed be like this?" and to him say, " He's 12. Yup." Someone to reassure me that I'm okay. I don't need a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. I'm a pretty independent kinda gal. Some may think I have my sights set too high, not those closest to me of course, but are they really that high when you *know* he exists? That everything you have ever wanted in a guy is right there, in your line of sight, but just slightly out if reach?
It's frustrating.
Yup.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)