I have been known to say, often, I believe with every fiber of my being that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We may not know at the time what that reason is, but IN time the reason will reveal itself. Patience will give you clarity.
That is a a loaded statement isn't it? My patience has been running a bit thin as of late, and I had to get out of my heart and retreat back into my head for a bit. I'm a thinker. It happens. Then, when I figure it out, I Gibb's slap the back of my own head and get back into my heart. I work better from there.
I am sitting at my desk typing as You've Got Mail is on my TV for the second time in less than twelve hours. It is one of my top 5 favorite movies. Random, I know. Welcome to my world.
Moving on.
Have you ever read a book and envisioned yourself in the role of whatever female character you relate to the most? Or do you envision one of your favorite actresses playing that role, having already cast the eventual "movie based on a book"?
Do you ever feel like your LIFE is one giant movie? For me, I see my life as one really long mini series, with a kick ass soundtrack designed just for me. For a long time, it was put on a shelf collecting dust, like toys put away as you get older and are molded to put such foolish things away.
I was told many years ago, "Life isn't a movie. Stop thinking that it is and pay attention to reality". I will not tell you who it was that put that in my head. It is not a stretch for most of you to figure it out. I put my silly dreams aside and my soundtrack on the shelf. The music in my head stopped playing and I moved through life asleep, becoming ever more resentful of this person who I let tell me how to live. More angry with myself for taking it as Gospel.
Fast forward 15 years. My soundtrack came back with a quiet phrase that repeated in my head over and over again until I heard the song in it's entirety and "woke up". The phrase? Tick tick tock tock.....tick tick tock tock.
I realized, after I "woke up", that the fighting at two in the morning, was the wrestling I was doing with myself. (2008...another parallel). I have a hard time listening to that song now. It reminds me of a painful time and hard decisions. (insert Gravity- Sarah Bareilles) I digress.
Since then, so much has happened. I made a tough decision. Even in just under a year my life has changed. It has been hard at times, as change can usually bring about hardship, but it is infinitely brighter now. I see things with more clarity. I am stronger and braver than I have ever been. I hear the lyrics in music again, and I allow them to move me...as they should. As they were always meant to.
My life IS a movie. It's mine. There is no script, only guidelines. To tell a dreamer not to dream is like slowly depriving fire of oxygen, until one day that fire either dies, or searches desperately for an alternate source of air, causing an explosion and ultimately leaving destruction in it's wake. (insert Slow Dancing in a Burning Room- John Mayer)
Dying out was not an option.
I found oxygen.
It caused an explosion, and the damage was watching my children lose what they knew a family to be.
However, like most destruction, there is a chance to start new, and build again. Even in that there is music.
I guess my point in this rant, is that it's okay that I'm a dreamer. I'm not the only one. (insert Imagine-John Lennon). It's okay that I see my life playing out as a movie. I give myself permission, because I have come to realize, again, I'm not the only one. There are others out there that share the same thought. It took me a looooonnnggg time to see that. I find comfort in knowing that I'm not crazy, just slightly on the left side of sane.
I am me. It is has been a scary thing learning to be me again. I am discovering that in loving myself, I have SO much more love to give. (insert Bruised But not Broken- Joss Stone) It's been fun getting to know me again. To remember the little girl who used to build mud pies in the alley behind her house. The one who used to sit in the giant willow tree and sing to herself. The girl who would sit in the crab apple tree at the edge of the street and throw the berries at oncoming cars.
The girl who would sit in the window seat in the bedroom she shared with her little sister, and feel the Summer breeze across her face as she dreamt of being Cyd Charisse. The girl who would rock out to Styx, and Mr. Mister. Journey, Chicago and the Beastie Boys in her living room with her older sister while using an ironing board as her keyboard; Or sometimes a broom as her guitar and a carpet sweeper as her mic stand.
The girl who played little league. The painfully shy girl who danced and sang at every talent show she could, because being on stage felt like home.
The girl who once got in big trouble with Sister Marie because during a recess when it started to rain and everyone went inside to watch a movie, she was off in her own little world... dancing in it.
The brave girl who found the strength to sing at her Mother's funeral without falling to her knees.
I have found her again, and she is rather good company. She has reminded me that my soundtrack began in 2nd grade when I sang in front of an audience for the first time during First Communion, carried through a blur of scattered memories until I stood in front of an audience of 800+ people and sang Out Here on My Own- Irene Cara at my high school pre-graduation ceremony.
One of my favorite quotes EVER is... "If you enter this world knowing you are loved, and leave it knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." ~Michael Jackson.
I alter that quote by adding ...."and there is a song for every moment."
Right now, I am thankful for the lessons I learned yesterday, happy to have this present, and hopeful for all my tomorrows, however many they may be.
My life has a soundtrack and right now the song playing is Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now-Joss Stone.
What's playing on yours?
