Beantown to Right Now...

I had decided during my senior year in H.S. that I was going to take a year off before going to college. My brain needed the break. So I spent the summer working and then in the fall one of my closest friends from school invited me to come check out the college she had decided on to see if I might want to go there instead of the Boston Conservatory. Her college choice? Northeastern University.

So in the fall of '92 I took a train by myself from Des Moines to Boston. That was a long ass train ride alone. OY! I stayed in the dorm with Jess (her nickname then was Mooch) and we toured campus, and went out at night. Definitely a different world for me to experience back then. I wasn't sure I could handle living in the city. Even though I absolutely knew I *wanted* to.

On the train ride back it stopped in Chicago, I missed my connecting train home and had to take the Greyhound. It was so crowded and there was this nasty drunk dude in the seat next to me, trying to hit on me the entire time. I just kept my nose in my book and my mouth shut. I was never so glad to be home!

The bus ride home made think. Now, when I am in my head for way too long, it never ends well for me. lol The seeds of doubt had been planted. The trip didn't change my mind as to which college I wanted to go to. Still planned on the Conservatory. So when it came time for my audition, Pops went with me.

One of the cities they were holding auditions in was Chicago, so that's where we went. The plan was to go, stay overnight and then come back. We got there, and I stretched and warmed up and had 3 different auditons I had prepared for. I had my Ballet solo for my dance audition, my vocal solo, and my monologue. I was beyond nervous. As I had said before, during my bus ride home I started to doubt myself and my abilities.

As I had finished warming up for my dance audition, I made the mistake of walking by an audition room where someone was doing an AMAZING piece. I as I stood there and watched in complete awe, I was then overcome with a fear so great, I froze. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go in. I had convinced myself that if that's what they were looking for then I didn't have a chance in hell. I broke. I cried. I stopped. Then I told my Dad I couldn't do it. I wasn't 'on my leg' (dancer term equivelant to keeping your head in the game). So, we left. I caught my breath. We went to lunch, we stopped at Walgreens and then we drove the 6 1/2 hours it takes to get home.

That was it. Done. I had closed a door on a dream because I was afraid I wasn't good enough. Mel tells me all the time that I am hyper critical of myself. She's right. I can't deny that. I'm trying to get better at it. I had a 3-way conversation on twitter a couple of weeks ago,between me, Mel, and another friend. At one point in this conversation, this other person had said I was talented and beautiful. to which I replied, "I don't handle compliments well, so thank you." Her response was, "That's because accepting a compliment, means you have to acknowledge it as true. Can be a hard thing to do. Do it anyway." That stuck.

 After giving up on college, there came an opportunity for me to sign a record deal. I passed. That's another story for another time perhaps. Where I'm going with this is I have decided to audition for season 2 of The Voice. This...is a VERY big decision for me, because I have said for a VERY long time that I never wanted to do a competition show. I don't like to lose. So typically I don't put myself in a position where that could happen. You know the whole, War Games rule. The only winning move is not to play.

My biggest fear really hasn't been failure or rejection. I'm a performing artist, rejection is part of the territory. My biggest fear? Is the fear that I will succeed. I will not let that fear stop me this time.

Right now, I feel like I'm standing in the doorway of that audition room again. Only this time....I'm opening the door and going in.