I Am Here...

I am profoundly moved by music ( as noted in the post entitled My Life Has a Soundtrack). In all the songs that have come and gone there has never been a song that has said everything I feel....until now. (there's a link to hear it at the end of the post). Lyrics mean a great deal to me. Words. I stammer over them at times. I trip and fall all over myself when I get nervous. When I made the decsion to walk away from everything I've ever known, it was empowering and terrifying because I had to find the courage to speak. to find the words and the courage to face my fear. To stand up for myself. To find my voice.....MY voice.....and say Enough.

There is a picture in the background of my Twitter profile page. It's a picture of me in a long black coat. It was taken years ago, but it landed me a opportunity to sign with Elite. I was so excited for the opportunity! My dream of being able to live in NYC was finally gonna come true. But it never came to fruition. I was *told* that we would not be moving to NYC on the "off chance" that I "might" get work as a model. That because it wasn't an "actual" job we would not move our family, and there was no way he was going to raise "his" kids in NYC anyway.

I cried alone, in the precious hours of early morning when the house was asleep, every night for a week. Then, as I always did, I put the dream back on the shelf where I had pulled it down from, and buried it. I was not pretty enough to get work as a model. Let alone talented enough to work on Broadway. He was right, it was foolish for me to believe I could. He was my husband, I believed him. He had my best interests at heart....right?

This was my mentality every day for 15 years. Tonight Mel said to me, " I thank God every day for RCMH." This confused me, and she went on further and said, "If it wasn't for that night, you wouldn't have had the strength to make him leave." The truth is much more than that. I tried twice before, and wasn't strong enough. I didn't have the support system then. The confidence in myself that I could be anything more.

Ultimately, there is one defining moment that gave me hope that I could be more, do more. That I mattered. In that one small moment last summer, I met someone who for the first time in my life made me feel........beautiful.  It is the moments that matter. No matter how short. I do not take ANY of them for granted. and every "moment" since then plays in my head every day like a song. I see them all. I hold them close, and if I never have any more of them, although my heart holds out hope, it's okay. The memories I have make me feel beautiful all over again, which helps me believe in myself. Those "moments" have power.

I have had time to think about what *really* matters to me. What is it that is my purpose in this one precious life that I've been given. So much guilt passes through me on how much time I've wasted. I have to remind myself  EVERY day that the only thing that matters is today. If I wake up...then it's another chance for me to get it right, and I am thankful for the breath that allows me to try.

Mel has told me several times, "You are more than tutus and toe shoes." It's her way of telling me that she won't let me settle. I am thankful to have her in my corner......even though she's trying to shove me OUT of it. lol  My biggest fear has always been that I would not be remembered after I'm gone. I don't seek fame, for it is fleeting, and I don't seek money other than what I need to survive. All I want is to work hard, to use the gifts I have been given to the best of my ability, and to know that I mattered to someone. That I loved with everything I had and that love was returned, and it was blindingly beautiful and passionate and true. That I left something behind.

There was a saying written above the door of our H.S. choir room that has stuck with me all these years.

"The talent that you have is God's gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to God."

I am looking forward to the moments that finally allow me to share the gifts I have been given. Yes I have been through many different versions of hell in my 36 years, but whatever time God grants me to have left on this earth I will spend it being the best ME I can be. Through it all......I am alive, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am perfectly imperfect, I am free, I am standing.....I am here.

http://youtu.be/yPORjvHlMbU .....and yes....it's on my life's soundtrack. :)