Thank You...

I am half Filipina. The rest of me is a stubborn German with an Irish temper. That half was lovingly bestowed upon me by my Father. A strong, proud, simply complicated man. He had three living daughters (later in life I would come to learn he actually had 4) and when I was a little girl, I was the son he'd never had.

I would sit in his workshop for hours alone, listening to a little radio and building model airplanes. He would occasionally come and check on me to see how I was doing and to help me paint and put the decals on. My attention to detail was formed in those hours.

We would go in the back yard with a bat, ball and glove as he taught me how to throw and hit and catch. It would come in handy later when I played little league. Only girl on an all boy team was fun. lol

He taught me how to fish. We'd take my grandpa Leo's fishin' boat out at 4AM and sit in companionable silence. Cast our lines, watch the water like glass and listen to the boat follow the slow waves. I would watch him go from being deep in thought to being a 6yr. old the second we had a fish on the line. If we didn't catch anything, we would crack open a can of sardines, spread butter on some crackers and that would be our lunch. For a few weekends leading up to his death, he went out fishing alone. Mom and I believed he knew what was going to happen. 

He taught me how to throw a football. That would come in handy later in High School when I managed the football team.

He also taught me how to cook and bake. Mom was great at cooking Filipino food, but didn't know a lot of American dishes and didn't know how to bake. Pops and I would stand side by side at the stove and I would mimic him. To this day, I cannot cook without a towel over my left shoulder. He always had one on his right, but I'm left handed so that felt awkward to me.

He would drive me to dance classes 45 minutes each way, just because he knew how much I loved to dance.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

"All you need is duct tape and WD-40 and you're set. But if you can't duct it, then fuck it..call me and I'll come fix it." Being the engineer he was, that man could fix just about anything.

I am SO much my Father's daughter. I have his gait, and his height. The moles on my face are from him. I purse my lips when I'm working on a project and contemplating something. I can have an intimidating presence about me when I walk into a room that demands the business side of me to be shrewd. And let's not forget the two bum kidneys he lovingly gave me. lol He would often say, "Well, ya can't say I never gave you anything." 

I know how to change my oil, and change a tire. I know the difference between a Phillips and a flat head and I never shy away from manual labor of any kind. 

Thursday, August 29th, 2013 Pops was driving home from work when he was having trouble breathing. He pulled into a Casey's and called 911. By the time they got to him he was slumped over the steering wheel, not breathing. His heart had given out. They worked on him for 40 minutes and brought him back. I will never forget that phone call. I was at my son's first football game. The only one I was going to be able to go to and had to leave to rush to the hospital. 

It was a VERY long weekend of uncertainty. Although, Mom and I both knew. The second I first walked into the room...I knew. They had him in an induced coma and on a ventilator. On Sunday, September 1st (His Mother's birthday), Mom and I made the decision to let him go. My sisters had a hard time accepting it, but we knew it was what he would've wanted. He had been fighting for so long, and his body was so tired. It was time for us to fight for him.

When we took him off of the ventilator, it was just me, my two sisters and Mom in the room. We listened to him with his labored breath, continue to try and fight. I finally leaned over the bed, took his face in my hands, and with tears streaming down my face said, "Thank you. Thank you for EVERYthing. It's okay Daddy. It's okay...you can go. It's time to go now." 

A tear slid down out of his right eye, he looked right at me and with his face in my hands, took his last breath.

I had been given that moment to thank him for my life and I will NEVER forget it.

69 Facts About Me...

This is a hashtag that was trending on Twitter and I decided to just blog it, so I don't go to Twitter jail. It was  a hard list to come up with, since I can't see anyone wanting to know any of this crap. I did it anyway. lol Enjoy!

#1) I’m left handed.  However, the only things I do with my left hand are write, eat and shoot. Everything else I do right handed. (Cut, throw, etc.)

#2) I was born on Shaw Air Force base in Sumter, SC

3#) I went to kindergarten in Wiesbaden, Germany where we lived for 6 yrs.

#4) Purple and orange are my favorite colors. I love how they blend 

seamlessly in the sky at the end of a day.

#5) I love super heroes. Captain America is my favorite Marvel hero and Batman is my favorite DC hero.

#6) I played little league baseball as a kid. I was the ONLY girl on the team.

#7) When I was 18, I auditioned to be a Playboy bunny. Made it to the local top 10 auditions before I backed out. The idea that my Dad and brothers might see the pictures made me change my mind about going any further.

#8) I like to climb trees but am afraid of heights. Yeah, I don’t get it either. Lol

#9) I can’t eat spicy food.  I have a very sensitive palette and if I take one bite of anything spicy, I can’t taste anything for the rest of the day.

#10) I love to fish, but haven’t been in many years. My dad and I used to go in my grandpa’s fishin’ boat at 4am when the water’s like glass. I think it’s where I became enamored with being awake late at night into the wee small hours of morning.

#11) I spent 12 years in Catholic school, but once Dad remarried we spent more time in the Lutheran Church. Gloria Dei. Johnston, IA where they got married. 

#12) The rosary I’m holding in my NOH8 picture is the one I went to go get from my Mom the night she was murdered.

#13) I have polycystic kidney disease.

#14) I’m half Filipino and the rest of me is a stubborn German with an Irish temper. It actually takes a LOT to make me angry, but when It happens…run. Lol

#15) I have a younger sister, two older half-sisters (one I have never met) and two younger step brothers.

#16) I love to see brightly colored flowers, but never like getting flowers from anyone because watching them die makes me too sad.

#17) I used to sit in my Dad’s workshop alone for hours, listen to music and build model airplanes as a kid.

#18) I managed the varsity football team in high school. I still love football. 

#19) Valentine’s Day is my least favorite holiday, because I don’t believe that you should wait for a special occasion to tell/show people how much you love them. 

#20) I had another older sister who died when she was 3 months old. Her name was Anna Lisa. I am her namesake. Her grave was swept away during a volcano eruption in the Philippines. My Father never speaks of her.

#21) I hit like a dude.

#22) My first job was as a waitress in a Chinese restaurant when I was 13 years old. My Grandparents on my Dad’s side helped me get the job. I looked like I could be related to the owners so no one ever questioned it. I’ve been working ever since.

#23) I haven’t had a soda since last October.

#24) I do crossword puzzles in pen.

#25) I’m a dog lover but have nothing against cats.

#26) I don’t watch much TV.

#27) I  once played the ditsy character, “Poopsie”, in a stage production of Pajama Game, but the director told me, “ You need to use your sex appeal to play this character because no one is going to believe you’re ‘ditsy’”.

#28) People always judge me before they get to know me.

#29) I’m a night owl AND a morning person. It’s between the hours of 3-5PM when I’m pretty much useless. Lol

#30) Making chocolate chip cookies from scratch is one of my specialties.

#31) I almost always feel cold.

#32) Being near water is my favorite thing in the entire world. Although, I could also watch a fire dance for hours too. 

#33) I am perpetually 6yrs old.

#34) I don’t like whipped cream. At ALL.

#35) I don’t like chocolate cake.

#36) I wear glasses at night when I drive, or when my eyes are really tired, 

but don’t need them otherwise.

#37) I have a collection of Christmas teddy bears kept in storage bins.

#38) My family forgot my 16^th birthday because it surrounded my older sister's first wedding. Sadly, I never got Jake Ryan.

#39) When the kids were really little, I had an opportunity to sign and model for Elite Modeling agency’s Plus Size division (I fluctuate between a size 10&12, but that’s considered plus size for some stupid reason), but it required I move to NYC, and my (now ex) husband refused to move us and the kids because he didn’t believe I was pretty enough to get any work. So I had to let go of yet another dream. 

#40) I don’t drink and have never been drunk.

#41) I don’t smoke.

#42) I don’t have a favorite movie.

#43) I graduated from high school one of the youngest in my class.

#44) My nickname is Cheese, and has been for years, for more than one reason and none of them have to do with gas. ;)

#45) I used to have a giant poster of Freddy Krueger above my bed, in my pre-teen years, because I thought he was hilarious and not scary.

#46) I don’t like horror movies. Real life is scary enough for me.

#47) When I was going through my divorce I worked 3 jobs, including delivering newspapers in the middle of the night. I am a workhorse. 

#48) My brain is a virtual jukebox. It has music constantly playing on rotation.

#49) I love all music except for death metal and some classic rock rubs my ears the wrong way.

#50) I love hard and with everything I have. I don’t do anything halfway.

#51) Idle and I are not friends. I prefer to always be moving.

#52) I hate shopping.

#53) I’m 5’8” tall and my legs are 42” long from hip to toe.

#54) I have ridiculously high arches and wear a size 10 shoe.

#55) Nat King Cole is my favorite crooner.

#56) I truly believe that my bestie is one of the smartest people I have ever 

known .

#57) I don’t like raisins unless they’re in Raisin Bran.

#58) I’m both a coffee AND a tea drinker.

#59) I sucked my thumb until I was 7.

#60) I’m a hugger. Like, full 20 second, hug love back into you kinda hugger. Ask anyone who’s hugged me. They’ll tell you.

#61) I learn and retain things wicked fast.

#62) I don’t like a lot of sauce on my food.

#63) The smell of cologne/perfume gives me a headache and am not attracted 

to guys who wear it. I don’t wear any perfume, only scented lotion.

#64) I suffer from Seasonal depression.

#65) I like square shaped jewelry as opposed to circle and I don’t like gold.

#66) It Is virtually impossible to surprise me.

#67) I have never had a dance partner who truly knows how to lead.

#68) I dance in the rain every chance I get and have been doing so since I was in first grade.

#69) When I was 18, I won a karaoke contest, for singing “Independence Day” by Martina McBride. The prize was a studio recording session in Nashville. I never cashed in the prize. 

Back to Life...

Hi kids. :)

This may come as a shock to some people, but despite popular belief, my life is more than NKOTB, and I have a LOT on my plate right now. GASP!

Don't get me wrong, they are an important part of my life but they are not my LIFE. My break from twitter is so I can take some time to handle the challenges in front of me, take some time for myself, which I NEVER do, and reevaluate some things and a needed change in direction. I am burning the candle at both ends and it's just about gone. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Burning out, not from ambitious or frivolous pursuits, but rather, from doing what is required of me to survive. Working to provide for my children is my first priority, but In doing so, I have lost sight of the things that make my heart smile. If I don't take the time to nurture the gifts that I have been given than I am wasting all the years of training I have invested.

I am taking four days off this weekend, to bring my heart's song front and center. No one can do that for me, nor do I expect anyone to. I have to do it, and I need to stop getting in my own way. Self doubt is paralyzing to me and on top of EVERYthing else I have on my shoulders, that is the heaviest thing that I allowed to creep in and I need to get back to a place of belief in myself. Part of that, is reinvesting in the things I love.

As my friend Cynthia Occelli says... " Withholding your dreams, talents and gifts to the world because of fear, is a form of arrogance. You didn't create your gifts, they were bestowed upon you. Doubting their worthiness is an insult to Creation. You are the deliverer. Your mandate is to nurture, grow and express the best in you." - http://ow.ly/kXcHd

I will handle this week's challenges and then Saturday through Monday I will park the "teacup" and get out to stretch my legs and my lungs. I will be sending some of you an email regarding the next leg of my journey I am going to embark on.

As I always say, I will be here should you want/or need me and gone if you don't.

I want to say thank you to those who love me. I cherish each of you. EVERY day.  I never expect and I never assume, because I know all too well how short life is. I will tell you often and without hesitation, and show you when I can, that you are loved in return.

No worries kids...I'll be Back to Life soon enough.

LOVE and LIGHT,
~AM

Reading is FUNdamental...

For anyone looking for a good book selection for their pre-teens, here is a list of choices from my daughter. I originally asked her to suggest a book for a Twitter friend who was having challenges finding books for her 8 yr old 3rd grader who reads at a 6th grade level. Rabbit (my daughter's nickname for the newbies) is a 6th grader who reads a a high school junior level. It has always been a challenge to find books for her, but she knows what she likes and what I would deem "age-appropriate" and thus has done a great job of seeking them out herself.

I thought if there is one parent out there who could use the advice, perhaps there may be a few more with the same challenges. I thought I would share her suggestions here for those who would like them. :)

Susan Colasanti
Something Like Fate

Paula Morris
Ruined

Wendy Mass 
(series)
11 Birthdays
Finally
13 Gifts

Lisa Greenwald
My Life in Pink and Green

Judith Casely
The Kissing Diary

Ingrid Law
Savvy
Scumble

Margaret Peterson
The Missing (series)

Her two favorite authors are Mary Downing Hahn ("Because I love all things creepy and she's the best!") and Peg Kahret ("She also writes creepy stuff. Not quite as creepy as Mary Downing Hahn, but still good.")

And there you have it. A small list of books recommended from my pre-teen to yours!