I do not, nor have I ever come from a place of hate. EVER. If you don't know that, then you don't know me. Do I get hurt and react in a way that maybe I shouldn't? Yes. But it lasts mere moments before I put myself back in check. I am VERY self aware. I am also ridiculously critical of myself and am harder on *me* than I will EVER be on anyone else.
That being said, I would like to know what it is I did in this life to warrant people to walk all over me, judge me based solely on my appearance, use me, beat me, manipulate and lie to me. I am of the belief that people are inherently good, so when I find out that I was used and lied to my walls go back up and it takes just THAT much longer for them to come back down.
This happened tonight.... http://nkotbism.blogspot.com/2011/08/what-hell-is-wrong-with-people.html
I, by nature, am an introvert. Some people find me intimidating, and I have to work hard to prove to them that I'm not. All they see is my face. Sadly they don't take the time to look past it. I'm just me. I am painfully shy, so if I seem stand offish or aloof it's because I'm nervous, and usually observing and absorbing. I have learned to not trust as easily as I once did, but it's hard because I wear my heart on my sleeve.
I will love and accept people for who they are, but it hurts like hell when I find out they were just using me for their own selfish agenda. I have a soft spot for strays which drives Mel crazy. I have more patience for people than she does. When I talk about 'Channeling my Inner Melly' it's because she's trying to get me to be more bold and brazen. She's also VERY protective of me, because she knows I'm tired of fighting, and she's tired of watching me fight. Ever since we met, I have fought long and hard for everything I have. I ask for very little and even less 'of' people. I give til I bleed then I cut another vein and give a little more. That is not me being conceited, that is what Mel would tell you.
Sometimes, I think how lovely it would be if someone, other than my bestie, fought FOR me. Just a little.
She made this for me one night not too long ago, after I said this in a conversation we were having. A night when I was hurting...
So, tonight, I will put my walls back where they belong. stand up, dust myself off and pray for the person who apparently needs it. I wish her luck in all of her scheming endeavors and trust in the hands of Karma.
Today is the birthday of someone I LOVE with EVERY fiber of my being and I will not take away from his joy. Happy Birthday to my Lobster. My world makes more sense with him in it.
~ AM
The walls *don't* belong. That's the thing.
ReplyDeleteWe SHOULD be able to trust people. We should be able to let our guard down. We should be able to believe that everyone is good with good intentions. It's other people who are flawed in that respect.
love you SO much! ((hugs))
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