The Balance of Struggle....

I realized this morning it's been a minute since I last blogged. So far I have epically failed in my self challenge. The beauty of that is it was a self challenge, so I make the rules for myself as I go along. lol

It's been a busy time for me with work and kids and their schoolwork and conferences and dealing with the ex and so forth. Throw in there, my sister being upset that I don't love her the way she wants me too and my bestie losing her sister in a house fire that her nephew set ( a result of PTSD) and it's been a helluva a couple of weeks emotionally. Life.

I like to keep busy and on the go. Staying busy keeps me sane. That may sound odd for some as they look at being busy as chaotic and rushed. For me, to fill my days with life is a beautiful thing and if I can contribute to this world in some way shape or form then I'm working on what I was meant to. There must be balance though. If you are so busy pursuing and working and spreading yourself too thin, not giving yourself a moment to breathe and be still, then eventually you will burn out and have nothing left to give but hostility and frustration.

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and the realization that I had no where I need to be until I teach later this afternoon. I have my coffee, my laptop and my book. I have my Boyz II Men station softly playing as I take a few moments to just be. Speaking of Boyz II Men, I came across a blog written by Shawn Stockman, who I absolutely adore. There was a post about a typical day in his world and it was perfection to read.

http://www.accesshollywood.com/the-sing-off/shawn-stockmans-sing-off-blog-balancing-work-and-family_articletab_54971

The man not only does what he does, and is as busy as he is, but still manages to get up in the morning and make breakfast AND lunch for his kids. What?! I thought that men who do that were a myth. Even when I was married I was a single parent. Fact. I don't want to go into that because it's nothing I can change. It's the past but is also one of the reasons why I have such an amazing relationship with my kids now.

This past Monday, Halloween night, after a fun two hours just hanging out with my son as he handed out candy to the kids, he sat for a bit at the computer writing. He's a creative mind, and one of things he loves to do aside from singing and performing is write. Hmmm....where does he get that from? It's difficult to pull him away from the computer and get him to go to bed some nights. The conversation is usually me saying, "Handsome, it was time for bed like 15 minutes ago." To which he responds, "I know Mom. Can I just finish this paragraph?" I repeat the process again as 15 minutes past his bedtime turns into 45. I do not get angry at him however. Why would I ever try to snuff out his thought process in mid creative streak?

I understand how writers work. When they are on a roll, they write, because writers block can hit at any given moment and when they are inspired it has to get to paper. My children are both motivated creatively and I will do everything in my power to make sure to give them room to express themselves. It is important to me. Not only by encouraging them, but by setting an example for them , by pursuing my own dreams. To take chances and to have fun doing so, and never be afraid to express themselves. Through laughter, through tears and through the emotional teen years that they are entering. OY!

Right before he went to bed he watched this....

He was at my desk and I was laying on my bed reading. When it was over, he turned to face me and with tears in his eyes said, "Mom......thank you for making it safe for me to dream."

So I immediately started crying and he was crying and he came over to me, hugged me and said, "I love you SO much Mom."

I replied, "It's important to me that you feel safe enough to dream."

"Mom," he says, "This is a house of dreamers, and you make every day safe. I've told you my friends think you're the coolest Mom on the planet, but did you know, that fills me with pride? I'm proud and lucky to have you as my Mom."

I sent him off to bed and sat there, with silent tears, thanking God he gave me the kids I have. Thanking him for putting me through hell and for helping through my struggles. It is the balance of the every day struggle and making the every day also fun, that I can instill in my kids the strength and the courage to dream and to pursue those dreams with conviction.




P.s.- Thank you to my Lobster, who's own relationship with his mother has been a driving force in my relationship with my son. In the last 20+ years, you both have inspired me in ways you don't even know and every day I am so grateful to your Mom for raising you right. ALWAYS.......LOVE.