Loneliness.
I don't feel it very often because I'm surrounded by people. My kids show me love, my bestie shows me love, and the people I work with are fun to be around. The kids that I work with keep me on my toes too!
Tonight I was putting clean sheets on my son's bed and asked the aforementioned friend if he has trouble with his boys keeping their rooms clean. His response was quick and just what I needed to hear.
When I was married, my house always felt sterile. Cold. Everything had it's place. It was not a place that felt lived in. My ex would be the first to share the story that when he was a kid every hot wheel had an assigned spot and all his comic books were in order. So much so that when he met, who would soon become his best friend to this day, he didn't like him at first. This kid was over at his house because he liked my exes twin sister, who in turn got pissed at the kid because he noticed one of his comic books was out of place. Now, if you could see these boxes, which he still has, you would have NO way of knowing what goes where. There weren't any labels. The system was in his head. That, is mild compared to how he had to have *everything*, well, perfectly in it's place.
I remember growing up and my brothers rooms were always trashed, but I must've forgotten that somewhere along the way. The reason the answer I got struck me, is because in that moment, it was nice to have a male perspective. One that's realistic. Just a friend kids. He's happily married and gave me little advice tonight. Someone who is a father himself. Who didn't yell at me for not making sure my son's room was clean and organized. A guy, who in one short sentence, made me feel like I was doing something right. So if you're reading this (you know who you are) ....thank you. :*)
I sat there for just a moment after that and cried with relief. Not because the actual words were profound, but because someone thought I was doing okay. It's hard as a single Mom, and every time I would open my son's bedroom door part of me would say, "He's 12. It's supposed to look like this." Then there was a voice in my head telling me, "You better clean it up and put it right before 'he' gets home." Knowing full well that the person who would've yelled at me, no longer lives here, but there are some things that are hard to forget. For the most part I do pretty well, and am content. Every once in a while 'that' voice creeps into my head and pulls me down again. I don't let it stay there, but it's another example of the 'triggers' I had talked about before.
My bestie and I talk about our kids and being parents, often. She is going through some things herself right now, but she has a husband who stands by her. That one of the core things they had determined as a 'team', as partners, is that through it all they stand by each other as such. She said to me as we sat in her kitchen the other day talking over coffee, that one of the first things her hubby said in defense of her in a difficult situation was, "You will NOT disrespect my WIFE."
She can testify to the fact that, that statement alone made me cry. The fact that she had someone to fight for her, fight next to her was so moving to me. It may seem silly, but to me that's a sign of a champion. Chivalry is not completely lost. It's a beautiful thing and she is blessed to have that, and it gives me hope.
Anyway, the lonely part hit when I realized I don't have that male counterpart to bounce things off of. To say things like, "Is his room supposed be like this?" and to him say, " He's 12. Yup." Someone to reassure me that I'm okay. I don't need a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. I'm a pretty independent kinda gal. Some may think I have my sights set too high, not those closest to me of course, but are they really that high when you *know* he exists? That everything you have ever wanted in a guy is right there, in your line of sight, but just slightly out if reach?
It's frustrating.
Yup.
Until he comes along, you've got me. :)
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