SCREAM....

It started around 5p.m. last night and I haven't been able to shake it. Have you ever just wanted to punch something? That's kinda where I'm at right now.....in this moment. Well, this moment has lasted a few hours but in the grand scheme of things is still just a moment.

I know it will pass. It always does. I'm not angry. I'm frustrated. I don't get angry very often, which I think isn't always necessarily a good thing. Anger can be a good release when channeled properly. If you bury it, it can spring up and punch you in the face. Then, you make bad choices, and say the wrong things. I haven't done anyone of that lately, thank the Goddesses, but for some reason I find myself in quite a mood. OY!

I had a fitful night's rest. Shocking, I know. Crawled into bed not long after my date night with my TV, and started to read Good Girls Don't by Victoria Dahl. Mel loaned it to me. Wanna know how far I got? 13 whole pages in before I gave up. I was not in a good mind frame to try and connect to anything.

I'm in a "I wanna run away from home" frame of mind. The few moments I take for myself seem selfish to me. In reality they aren't. I just spoke of this the other day. They are a MUST. You cannot give anything to anyone else if you have not taken care of yourself first. I think part of it, is I am frustrated creatively. I'm frustrated because I feel like I have no one to vent to. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make myself slow down. I'm frustrated that I have to go to work in a bit. I'm frustrated at being alone. I'm frustrated that I'm lonely. I'm frustrated that the last date I had was........can't even tell you when. I'm frustrated at people talking shit about me. I'm frustrated at being a single Mom. I'm frustrated that I feel like I have to censor myself because I'll offend someone or hear about it from someone else. I'm frustrated because I'm too nice and apparently that's a bad thing to be these days. and I'm frustrated because the second I show any other emotion other that sunshine and rainbows I get criticized for not being one dimensional.

I don't need anyone to "fix" it, I just need to vent.

One of the things that being in YABE taught me is, feelings aren't right or wrong they just "are". So right now, in this moment, I'm feeling FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!

Don't worry, it won't last. I'll go back to being Mary Poppins eventually, but now I'm going to go cry in the shower because I'm not in a place where I can .....