I had a chat this morning with my bestie, who declared today to be NO PANTS day. I opted out. Too chilly. I'm a freeze baby. After my blackberry lost the cal TWICE, I gave up and retreated into my head to process a few things. I have been feeling a sense of urgency about certain things as of late. That if, whatever, doesn't happen in the immediate future that it never will.
After our conversation, I realized, that because my focus has been heavily rooted in spreading awareness and seeking donations for PKD (thanks to the supreme genorisity of a dear friend of mine, we have surpassed my TEAM goal of $1500) that the idea of my mortality has been at the forefront of my thoughts. My sense of urgency has to do with me feeling like I'm running out of time. My hope and belief is that my need for a transplant is years down the road. The reality is because there is no cure, and although I am doing what I can to manage it, I cannot completely control it and the cysts could start multiplying at a quicker rate and my creatnine level could go from a 1.9 to a 5 in a short period of time.
Who knows. I don't *choose* to believe that, and I could conceivably get hit by a car today and die from some random accident. What I *do* know is that I tend to brood about this around this time of year when it is such a heavy focus.
Most of the time, I'm fine. I go about my life just trying to do the best I can and EVERY day trying to be a better me than the day before. I realize that I cannot control others behavior or thoughts. I can only control mine. I spoke in a blog or two back about how when I have done something wrong I ALWAYS want to try and fix it. That there is only so much I can do, and if someone doesn't give you a chance to right your wrong, then you may have to let it....and them, go. The soap has slipped out of my hands and I'm watching it fly through the air in slow motion. Either I'll catch it before it hits the ground and place it safely back where it belongs, or....I'll stop trying to hold onto the notion that I'm a bar soap girl and have to switch to a liquid dispenser. OR.....option C....
Some of you will completely understand this analogy and for some it will confuse the shit out of you. lol Think of a bar of soap as fun. It gets wet and it slips out of your hands and you try to catch it but it's wily and all you can do is laugh....well.....not if you're an inmate. Think of a liquid dispenser as being controlled, not fun, just sits there. Now, apply the same logic when talking about people.
I'm deciphering the "code" for you so there's nothing cryptic. I have a tendency to use a lot of analogies. I think that comes from being a teacher and wanting people to be able to relate to what I'm saying. Often times, the visual helps.
In a few days time I will shake this feeling that I'm going to die tomorrow from this disease and that I will have run out of time to get it right. And by "it" I mean my life.
So, for now, because I made the mistake of getting it wet, I'll let that bar of soap fly and sail where it's going to and if it hits the ground and slides before I can catch it, so be it. It has to stop eventually. When it does, I will pick it up and put it back where it's meant to be. Even if it means just leaving it for decoration.
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