Breathless...

A dear friend of mine posed a question on Twitter this morning....
"Say you met someone, loved madly & then learned that one of you has only a moment left.Could you throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet willingly?"

Without hesitation, I said, "YES!"

For all the cynical things I have said about love there is a big part of my heart that still believes in fairy tales. I keep trying to push it away, but it's a defense mechanism to protect the part of my heart that gets hurt when it hopes.

I have polycystic kidney disease. For those who are new to this blog or just aren't aware read this... http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/polycystic/ and then go here http://www.pkdcure.org/teamnukappa/  and THEN become an organ donor if you aren't one.

Was diagnosed just shortly after giving birth to my daughter. In a routine checkup my doctor decided it would be a good idea to do a baseline since my father had the disease and his father before him. I take after my Dad's physicality  so the odds of inheriting the disease were pretty good. Sadly, I don't know a thing about my Mother's side. Not. One. Thing. I have no idea how many sibling's she had, if any, how many cousins I may have in the Philippines. Grandparents I never met. Nothing. Someday soon I will investigate that side of my ancestry.

Anyway, sure enough, the ultrasound performed on my kidneys showed happy little cysts frolicking about. Those cysts are multiplying as we speak and will eventually prevent my kidneys from doing their job, thus requiring me to either go on dialysis or find a donor. Without hesitation Mel offered hers when she found out. She hasn't been tested yet and there's a possibility she will not be a match, which means I'll be back to square one.

There is no cure, no treatment. My kidneys WILL fail. Only thing I can do on my end to help myself are maintain a low blood pressure and watch the intake of certain things like caffeine and sodium. They measure kidney function through something called "Creatnine". Levels are 1 through 5. The lower the number, the better. You get to 5 and you're at renal failure/transplant level. Or what I lovingly refer to as Defcon 1. It sucks because I love food and am gonna have to give up the things I love. I don't drink and I don't smoke, which helps, but I've already had to cut back on my Coca-Cola intake because I can feel the effects when I drink it. I have to watch my potassium intake as well which means I'll have to give up potatoes. You know what THAT means?! No. More. Fries. Wanna know what else I'll have to give up? That's right.....cheese. *cries*

I don't wanna even THINK about that right now.

Between the many forms of hell I've gone through, I live with this disease, but I do not let it own me. I get frustrated this time of year when I'm heavily searching for donors in support of our annual Walk for PKD. We've had 3 donors. 3. Millions of BH's and 3 people have donated for a total of $60. Granted it is $60 dollars more than we had last week, but I see hundreds of BH's donating to Komen, and I get a little discouraged. I may not be Komen, and I may not be backed or supported by a New Kid, but that doesn't mean my cause is any less important. This was part of my agitation the other day.  I will make my contribution and I will walk arm and arm with my bestie and she will be the only one who walks beside me on the 18th.  *streaming tears* I just need a minute....

*deep breath.....drying tears*

Sorry about that. I worry about this disease affecting my love life. It's not something I dwell on, but it crosses my mind every once in a while. What if......what if he can't handle the idea that one day I'll have to go to dialysis 3 nights a week for 4 hours a stretch or that If say for instance, Mel is a match but my body rejects the kidney and I don't survive. It's a possibility. It happens. OR, I get the new kidney, and it takes, but then rejects it after two years and another donor cannot be found. pops was on dialysis for 2 YEARS before he was given the miracle of a living donor.

 My father's story http://www.lemarssentinel.com/story/1590919.html 

These are all realistic concerns for me. I haven't exactly had much success in love, and like I said, I don't dwell on it....but always in honesty.....the thought is there. So, when my friend posted the question and I answered, it's because not only do I want that for myself, but if I were to meet someone, love madly and find out he would only have a moment left, I would never run, or doubt that right next to him was where I was meant to be. We are always where we are meant to be.

With every fiber of my being I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We may not know what that reason is at the time, but *in* time the reason will reveal itself. People come into our lives to teach us, learn from us, take from us, love us. Which is why I will hold out for a champion, that has a heart like mine who will want me for *me*. Who will love and respect this mind, this soul and this broken body for however long God grants me the breath and the strength.

Who will tell me often that I leave him.... http://youtu.be/MxKUQMNGvlo