My intentions were to sit down a pound out a blog last week, and then, well, that didn't happen. Thanksgiving sprung quick and then I stumbled face first into a fist I like to refer to as "Whatever-the-shit-this-is". Otherwise known as the flu.
The entire management team at work is sick, however the other two had not only a head cold, but the stomach flu as well. I have lucked out in that ball o' fun as of yet and am praying it passes over me. It started with Mom, then moved to Pops, but with his immune system being pretty much non existent he ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. It has now latched onto me and has been trying to kick my ass since last Friday. I'm stubborn though, and as hard as it kicks I kick that much harder. I'm not a martyr by any means. I'm stubborn out of necessity.
I don't have the time to be sick. I'm a Mom. Those of you who are Mothers will know that's reason enough. On top of which, I work at a place where if I don't work, I don't get paid. There is no holiday pay, no sick time. So, I don't work, I don't pay the bills. Not okay. If that means I sacrifice myself and my health then I do. Am I crazy about it? No. I rest when I can and am drinking plenty of fluids. I've had very little appetite and can't sleep so that sucks, but is not that far from normal. The appetite thing is, but I'm sure that will return to normal soon.
The other side of this of course is that I have a very hard time with 'idle'. I have Tuesday and Wednesday off this week and for most of today I did indeed stay in bed. I ran a couple of errands much to my bestie's chagrin, but I *had* to go to the bank today. How was I to know she was gonna surprise me with egg drop soup? lol I was gone when she got here and when I got back a very funny attempt at trying to take my keys away and steal my shoes was made. I needed the laugh. I haven't laughed in a minute and that's not okay either. By the time she left she had me swearing I wouldn't leave my house until I had to work on Thursday, to which I informed her that I had to teach Wednesday night. I then suggested we go to see Breaking Dawn tonight, to which she agreed and then informed me that I was a pain in the ass.
I cannot disagree with that. However, we did in fact go see Breaking Dawn tonight. I was rather disappointed in the lack of shirtless Jacob, and the score sucked, and they messed with the storyline BUT Jacob did say three of my favorite words ever, so it wasn't a total waste.
"Dance with me."
Those three words can take my breath away. Someone I love said those three very words to me a while ago, taking the air out of my lungs when I read them. He probably doesn't remember, but I do. I remember the night and where he was when he said it. I was at home, and he was on a train and it was the wee small hours of morning. He's not known to sleep much either, so that works in my favor. Anyway, I have it saved and the picture saved. I remember.
My response to him was, "Always."
We have yet to have that dance. When the time is right..............we will. :)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Confetti Tears...
This....
Okay, here's where I stand in this.
A) It must be said there isn't a better DJ than Cheapshot for this gig. That's just a fact. He's my favorite! One of the reasons being that he doesn't flip a frakkin song every 10 seconds. He actually let's you enjoy more than 3 notes into a song. Also, he's just fun! :)
Secondly) To see Boyz II Men is on my Bucket List. GAH!
Third ) It's not in Times Square. So, I won't freeze my ass off and there's a place to pee. Dude. My bladder is the size of a grain of rice and there's no way I would survive Times Square on NYE. You have to hold it for HOURS cause there's no where to pee yo!
And last but not least) The venues and huge arenas and massive tour of the 9 was fun, but always in honesty, I miss the 5. My favorite tour since this reunion began has been the CasiNO Tour. Why? Well....many reasons...but a big one is because of the intimacy of it. The connection to the audience is stronger. I just LOVE that.It *feels* more like family to me.
Since the tease of this possibility was thrown out into the universe I've been going in circles in my mind trying to make it work. Here is where I'm at in the thought process. Stay with me kids. lol
Here's what I foresee happening. I will buy a ticket and book my flight and will be forced with two choices. I must preface these choices by saying my co worker who took the GM position of the store last month is putting in her notice Dec 1st. Why? Because she moved to Iowa from Cali to go to school not run a Monkey Joes. She plans on having her last day be Dec 23rd. Which means it will be me and the other Assistant running the place during our busy season. I had the opportunity to take the GM position and decided against it because there's no health benefits where I work. This is a big concern for me, because since I have PKD it's difficult to get my own policy due to my pre-existing condition. If I go somewhere with a group plan it's a non-factor. Plus, this is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. It is not my chosen career. It puts food on my table. Period.
I LOVE kids. I LOVE being around them, but I'm a dancer and a dance teacher. My destiny is not in making pizzas, mopping floors and dragging a giant purple monkey around town. $10 an hour and no benefits isn't a wise career choice, but I'm a single Mom and I'm happy to have a job right now. I digress.
Back to the forseable choices.... I will buy a ticket to the concert, book my flight, and then either not be able to go, because I'll get stuck working, OR say fuck it and get on that plane and have no job when I get home. EVERY fiber of my being wants to be THERE in NYC for NYE. There is no where else I'd rather be at midnight than there....in that moment. My heart needs to be in that moment.
Sadly, my freakin head is in the way.
Because I am who I am.....I can't do it. My kids come first. To not have a job to come home to is unacceptable. I have plans I'm trying to make. Going to NYC for NYE will not allow me to afford to go to Boston in the spring like I plan on doing. Nor L.A. in late spring early summer. Nor will I be able to afford to go to Kentucky for my cousin's wedding OR back to NYC on a road trip with my kids and bestie. on top of which I'm still trying to move out east. There is SO much I want to do, and things I WILL do, and all of them require me to be responsible and smart.
So, you see...NYC for NYE is in my head swirling about. Like a tornado of anger! (That's a Kicking and Screaming reference. If you haven't seen that movie watch it with your kids. Will Ferrell is genius)
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the corner rocking back and forth and crying confetti tears.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Rabbit's Descriptive Essay....
The other night my daughter was working on her homework and I said, "Whatcha workin on Rabbit?"
"My person of interest descriptive essay," she said.
"What's it about?"
"You."
"Oh!"
She turned and asked me if I'd like to hear it when she was done.
When I am pulled in 8 different directions, my kids stop me in my tracks and remind me that I matter, if to no one else...to them. And that in whatever decisions I have made and will make, I know I'm doing something right as a parent.
The essay....including outline....
"My person of interest descriptive essay," she said.
"What's it about?"
"You."
"Oh!"
She turned and asked me if I'd like to hear it when she was done.
When I am pulled in 8 different directions, my kids stop me in my tracks and remind me that I matter, if to no one else...to them. And that in whatever decisions I have made and will make, I know I'm doing something right as a parent.
The essay....including outline....
Descriptive Essay
I. Introduction
a. My mommy’s name is Ann Marie, obviously.
b. She was born on September 15, 1974, in South Carolina.
c. On the Chinese zodiac, she’s a tiger (I think).
d. Her hair is black, short, and spikey, she has brown eyes, and is very talented.
e. Let me tell you about her talents.
II. Body
a. Best mommy ever
i. Loves and cares for my brother and I
ii. Sometimes she spoils me
iii. I can tell her anything and she’ll listen and give advice
b. Dancing
i. Has taught for more than 5 yrs.
ii. She has a specialty in hip-hop
iii. Likes to dance with me
c. Singing
i. Is very good at it
ii. Practices and records a lot
iii. Tried out for “ The Voice “
III. Conclusion
a. Well, those are my mommy’s talents!
b. Do you think she’s talented?
c. Well, I do and I’m very proud she’s my mommy.
d. You’re sort of jealous, right?
Ann Marie
My mommy’s name is Ann Marie, obviously. She was born on September 15, 1974, in South Carolina. On the Chinese zodiac, she’s a tiger (I think). Her hair is black, short, and spikey, her eyes are a dark brown, and she’s very talented. Let me tell you about some of her talents. J
What she does best is being the best mommy ever. She loves and cares about my brother and I unconditionally. Sometimes she spoils me, but that’s usually my grandma’s work. J Last but not least, I can tell her anything and she’ll listen and give me advice.
Another one of her talents is dancing. When we lived in Hudson, Wisconsin, she taught at a dance studio for more than 5 yrs. She’s also been great at all types of dance, but hip-hop is her specialty, believe it or not. Sometimes she’ll turn on music in the afternoon, and we’ll dance.
Last but not least, boy can she sing!!! Her voice is like an angel! She practices everyday whether or not it’s in the car or when she’s doing the dishes. When she likes a song, she’ll practice, record, and post it on you tube. There’s a show called “The Voice” that my mommy tried out for next season, but she didn’t make it. Those of you that have been to my house are surprised, I bet.
Well, those are my mommy’s talents! Do you think she’s talented? Well, I guess you can’t form an opinion until you have seen her do her thing herself. Anyway, I ‘m very glad she’s my mommy. You’re jealous, right?
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Inhale.....Exhale.....
I'm sitting propped up on my bed listening to the sound of the rain falling heavily outside, and the cars that splash by my house. It was a long day at work, and I was able to leave and get home in time to spend just a few minutes with my kids before their Dad picked them up for their scheduled weeknight with him. Handsome didn't want to go because he had gotten his report card today. It wasn't his best report card, but it wasn't his worst. He was fearful of his father's reaction, and understandably so. I digress...
This morning's report of Smokin' Joe Frazier was a sad one, then when I was leaving work I learned that Heavy D passed away today too! He was only 44 years old. SO young. My Mom died when she was only 42. It's sad to think that we are all getting older. I used to dance my ass off to Heavy D and the boys. "Now That We Found Love" was one of the favorite tracks me and my crew busted a move or two to. And by crew I mean me and my High School boyfriend Brian, and his friend Jeremy. Brian was an AMAZING artist and would airbrush all my shit. We used to call Jeremy "Z" because that's what his last name starts with. They were two white dudes who could dance and me. We'd rehearse in my driveway with my boombox blaring from the floor of the garage, and then perform at clubs around the city. then B and I broke up, and we all graduated and moved on. They both went to a different school than I did. As I sit and rack my brain, I for the life of me can't remember how we met. I *think* Z worked with my bestie back then at a Men's clothing store called JW. Her name is Jess, but she went by the nickname Mooch.
Ahhh Mooch. She earned that lovely nickname because she would indeed mooch money from people during lunch. lol I talk a little more about her in my blog
Beantown to Right Now...
Her, her husband and three boys live in Quincy, MA and I hope I get a chance to see them when I go back to Boston in the Spring. :) There is a trip I plan on taking in March and it involves my beloved #TeamIceCream girls Mel and Roxi. Rox is from MA, but lives in NC now, and she is always willing to go home. Mel has never been, and me? Well, for me....it's time for me to go back. A trip that is long overdue.
Mel and I are also planning a road trip to NYC next summer sometime. WITH our kids. The plan is to rent a vehicle big enough for all of us and hit the road. My son has asked me more than once in the last few weeks alone when I will take him because he *really* wants to go. My daughter on the other hand is a bit more apprehensive, but she's quite the worry wart so this is not unusual. We'll see what happens. I also have my cousin's wedding to go to in Kentucky next June......yup.....Louisville. That reference will only be understood by a few who read this. My cousin is from here but her and her fiance found a lovely estate to get married on, so that's where I will go to share in their joy!
Christmas will be quiet in my house this year as my kids will spend it with their Father and my rents will go to Georgia to spend it with my baby brother. I won't go with them because I won't be able to take that kind of time off from work. Retail hours and all. I have an open invitation to go to Mel's, but I'm thinking, me and a good book, a little Joe Mac on the mp3 and some hot chocolate will be how I want to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I'll get my kids later that day and spend a little time with them. We'll see. No need to decide just yet.
New Years Eve might be spent doing the same thing. Who knows. Right now I have Michael Buble singing You and I so sweetly, and a perfect steak is calling my name. Even if my bestie is the only one who generally comments, I know she's not the only one who reads my posts and I take comfort in that. Of course we all know, I'd write them regardless. However, I've since discovered upon beginning this blogging journey, that I much prefer to blog when I feel inspired to do so.
When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done. I'm usually too busy "doing" that the saying becomes less of a priority. Taking the time to blog is a way for me to stop and just be. I like to think that you taking the time to read them is your way of stopping for just a moment to take a breath too. So what do you say to stopping and breathing together again soon? :)
This morning's report of Smokin' Joe Frazier was a sad one, then when I was leaving work I learned that Heavy D passed away today too! He was only 44 years old. SO young. My Mom died when she was only 42. It's sad to think that we are all getting older. I used to dance my ass off to Heavy D and the boys. "Now That We Found Love" was one of the favorite tracks me and my crew busted a move or two to. And by crew I mean me and my High School boyfriend Brian, and his friend Jeremy. Brian was an AMAZING artist and would airbrush all my shit. We used to call Jeremy "Z" because that's what his last name starts with. They were two white dudes who could dance and me. We'd rehearse in my driveway with my boombox blaring from the floor of the garage, and then perform at clubs around the city. then B and I broke up, and we all graduated and moved on. They both went to a different school than I did. As I sit and rack my brain, I for the life of me can't remember how we met. I *think* Z worked with my bestie back then at a Men's clothing store called JW. Her name is Jess, but she went by the nickname Mooch.
Ahhh Mooch. She earned that lovely nickname because she would indeed mooch money from people during lunch. lol I talk a little more about her in my blog
Beantown to Right Now...
Her, her husband and three boys live in Quincy, MA and I hope I get a chance to see them when I go back to Boston in the Spring. :) There is a trip I plan on taking in March and it involves my beloved #TeamIceCream girls Mel and Roxi. Rox is from MA, but lives in NC now, and she is always willing to go home. Mel has never been, and me? Well, for me....it's time for me to go back. A trip that is long overdue.
Mel and I are also planning a road trip to NYC next summer sometime. WITH our kids. The plan is to rent a vehicle big enough for all of us and hit the road. My son has asked me more than once in the last few weeks alone when I will take him because he *really* wants to go. My daughter on the other hand is a bit more apprehensive, but she's quite the worry wart so this is not unusual. We'll see what happens. I also have my cousin's wedding to go to in Kentucky next June......yup.....Louisville. That reference will only be understood by a few who read this. My cousin is from here but her and her fiance found a lovely estate to get married on, so that's where I will go to share in their joy!
Christmas will be quiet in my house this year as my kids will spend it with their Father and my rents will go to Georgia to spend it with my baby brother. I won't go with them because I won't be able to take that kind of time off from work. Retail hours and all. I have an open invitation to go to Mel's, but I'm thinking, me and a good book, a little Joe Mac on the mp3 and some hot chocolate will be how I want to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. I'll get my kids later that day and spend a little time with them. We'll see. No need to decide just yet.
New Years Eve might be spent doing the same thing. Who knows. Right now I have Michael Buble singing You and I so sweetly, and a perfect steak is calling my name. Even if my bestie is the only one who generally comments, I know she's not the only one who reads my posts and I take comfort in that. Of course we all know, I'd write them regardless. However, I've since discovered upon beginning this blogging journey, that I much prefer to blog when I feel inspired to do so.
When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done. I'm usually too busy "doing" that the saying becomes less of a priority. Taking the time to blog is a way for me to stop and just be. I like to think that you taking the time to read them is your way of stopping for just a moment to take a breath too. So what do you say to stopping and breathing together again soon? :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
The Balance of Struggle....
I realized this morning it's been a minute since I last blogged. So far I have epically failed in my self challenge. The beauty of that is it was a self challenge, so I make the rules for myself as I go along. lol
It's been a busy time for me with work and kids and their schoolwork and conferences and dealing with the ex and so forth. Throw in there, my sister being upset that I don't love her the way she wants me too and my bestie losing her sister in a house fire that her nephew set ( a result of PTSD) and it's been a helluva a couple of weeks emotionally. Life.
I like to keep busy and on the go. Staying busy keeps me sane. That may sound odd for some as they look at being busy as chaotic and rushed. For me, to fill my days with life is a beautiful thing and if I can contribute to this world in some way shape or form then I'm working on what I was meant to. There must be balance though. If you are so busy pursuing and working and spreading yourself too thin, not giving yourself a moment to breathe and be still, then eventually you will burn out and have nothing left to give but hostility and frustration.
I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and the realization that I had no where I need to be until I teach later this afternoon. I have my coffee, my laptop and my book. I have my Boyz II Men station softly playing as I take a few moments to just be. Speaking of Boyz II Men, I came across a blog written by Shawn Stockman, who I absolutely adore. There was a post about a typical day in his world and it was perfection to read.
http://www.accesshollywood.com/the-sing-off/shawn-stockmans-sing-off-blog-balancing-work-and-family_articletab_54971
The man not only does what he does, and is as busy as he is, but still manages to get up in the morning and make breakfast AND lunch for his kids. What?! I thought that men who do that were a myth. Even when I was married I was a single parent. Fact. I don't want to go into that because it's nothing I can change. It's the past but is also one of the reasons why I have such an amazing relationship with my kids now.
This past Monday, Halloween night, after a fun two hours just hanging out with my son as he handed out candy to the kids, he sat for a bit at the computer writing. He's a creative mind, and one of things he loves to do aside from singing and performing is write. Hmmm....where does he get that from? It's difficult to pull him away from the computer and get him to go to bed some nights. The conversation is usually me saying, "Handsome, it was time for bed like 15 minutes ago." To which he responds, "I know Mom. Can I just finish this paragraph?" I repeat the process again as 15 minutes past his bedtime turns into 45. I do not get angry at him however. Why would I ever try to snuff out his thought process in mid creative streak?
I understand how writers work. When they are on a roll, they write, because writers block can hit at any given moment and when they are inspired it has to get to paper. My children are both motivated creatively and I will do everything in my power to make sure to give them room to express themselves. It is important to me. Not only by encouraging them, but by setting an example for them , by pursuing my own dreams. To take chances and to have fun doing so, and never be afraid to express themselves. Through laughter, through tears and through the emotional teen years that they are entering. OY!
Right before he went to bed he watched this....
He was at my desk and I was laying on my bed reading. When it was over, he turned to face me and with tears in his eyes said, "Mom......thank you for making it safe for me to dream."
So I immediately started crying and he was crying and he came over to me, hugged me and said, "I love you SO much Mom."
I replied, "It's important to me that you feel safe enough to dream."
"Mom," he says, "This is a house of dreamers, and you make every day safe. I've told you my friends think you're the coolest Mom on the planet, but did you know, that fills me with pride? I'm proud and lucky to have you as my Mom."
I sent him off to bed and sat there, with silent tears, thanking God he gave me the kids I have. Thanking him for putting me through hell and for helping through my struggles. It is the balance of the every day struggle and making the every day also fun, that I can instill in my kids the strength and the courage to dream and to pursue those dreams with conviction.
P.s.- Thank you to my Lobster, who's own relationship with his mother has been a driving force in my relationship with my son. In the last 20+ years, you both have inspired me in ways you don't even know and every day I am so grateful to your Mom for raising you right. ALWAYS.......LOVE.
It's been a busy time for me with work and kids and their schoolwork and conferences and dealing with the ex and so forth. Throw in there, my sister being upset that I don't love her the way she wants me too and my bestie losing her sister in a house fire that her nephew set ( a result of PTSD) and it's been a helluva a couple of weeks emotionally. Life.
I like to keep busy and on the go. Staying busy keeps me sane. That may sound odd for some as they look at being busy as chaotic and rushed. For me, to fill my days with life is a beautiful thing and if I can contribute to this world in some way shape or form then I'm working on what I was meant to. There must be balance though. If you are so busy pursuing and working and spreading yourself too thin, not giving yourself a moment to breathe and be still, then eventually you will burn out and have nothing left to give but hostility and frustration.
I woke up this morning to the sound of rain and the realization that I had no where I need to be until I teach later this afternoon. I have my coffee, my laptop and my book. I have my Boyz II Men station softly playing as I take a few moments to just be. Speaking of Boyz II Men, I came across a blog written by Shawn Stockman, who I absolutely adore. There was a post about a typical day in his world and it was perfection to read.
http://www.accesshollywood.com/the-sing-off/shawn-stockmans-sing-off-blog-balancing-work-and-family_articletab_54971
The man not only does what he does, and is as busy as he is, but still manages to get up in the morning and make breakfast AND lunch for his kids. What?! I thought that men who do that were a myth. Even when I was married I was a single parent. Fact. I don't want to go into that because it's nothing I can change. It's the past but is also one of the reasons why I have such an amazing relationship with my kids now.
This past Monday, Halloween night, after a fun two hours just hanging out with my son as he handed out candy to the kids, he sat for a bit at the computer writing. He's a creative mind, and one of things he loves to do aside from singing and performing is write. Hmmm....where does he get that from? It's difficult to pull him away from the computer and get him to go to bed some nights. The conversation is usually me saying, "Handsome, it was time for bed like 15 minutes ago." To which he responds, "I know Mom. Can I just finish this paragraph?" I repeat the process again as 15 minutes past his bedtime turns into 45. I do not get angry at him however. Why would I ever try to snuff out his thought process in mid creative streak?
I understand how writers work. When they are on a roll, they write, because writers block can hit at any given moment and when they are inspired it has to get to paper. My children are both motivated creatively and I will do everything in my power to make sure to give them room to express themselves. It is important to me. Not only by encouraging them, but by setting an example for them , by pursuing my own dreams. To take chances and to have fun doing so, and never be afraid to express themselves. Through laughter, through tears and through the emotional teen years that they are entering. OY!
Right before he went to bed he watched this....
He was at my desk and I was laying on my bed reading. When it was over, he turned to face me and with tears in his eyes said, "Mom......thank you for making it safe for me to dream."
So I immediately started crying and he was crying and he came over to me, hugged me and said, "I love you SO much Mom."
I replied, "It's important to me that you feel safe enough to dream."
"Mom," he says, "This is a house of dreamers, and you make every day safe. I've told you my friends think you're the coolest Mom on the planet, but did you know, that fills me with pride? I'm proud and lucky to have you as my Mom."
I sent him off to bed and sat there, with silent tears, thanking God he gave me the kids I have. Thanking him for putting me through hell and for helping through my struggles. It is the balance of the every day struggle and making the every day also fun, that I can instill in my kids the strength and the courage to dream and to pursue those dreams with conviction.
P.s.- Thank you to my Lobster, who's own relationship with his mother has been a driving force in my relationship with my son. In the last 20+ years, you both have inspired me in ways you don't even know and every day I am so grateful to your Mom for raising you right. ALWAYS.......LOVE.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Ebb and Flow....
*blows raspberries*
I'm in a funk. Creatively, which means my entire being is in a funk. I hate it. Drives me crazy. Drives the people around me crazy, because I disappear. Poof. And when I do surface, I'm short and then I'm gone again. It's how I work. Rather than bring those I care about down, I revert to being introverted and work through it on my own. Again, drives people crazy. I think it's harder on my bestie than anyone, because she's a fixer and when I ask her to not try to "fix" it, I think she's left with feeling unwanted or not needed. Not the case of course, I just need to disengage for a day or two.
I started teaching my Adult Beginner Hip Hop and Advanced Hip Hop classes on Sunday night. One student showed up for my Beginner Class.........one. No one came to the Advanced Class. I knew it would be that way. I had *hoped* it wouldn't and that those who registered and showed interest, would actually come, but I knew better. This is Iowa after all. Whereas this is a great place to raise a family, it sucks the life out of someone who is creative. I've come to the conclusion, that if you want to be a doctor, lawyer, school teacher, or insurance agent this is the place to be! If you are a performing artist or live for a fine art of any kind, it's a place where your soul goes to die. Overly dramatic? Perhaps, but dude...you aren't here.
The monotony of the daily grind has gotten to me and I need to do something about it soon before I end up swimming in a toilet, swirling in a downward spiral of depression. I know that. I am someone who is VERY self-aware. I need an injection of LIFE! Most of the time I do the injecting, but when it comes to motivating myself, I kinda suck. lol I need to surround myself with like minded people. I need to either go to a dance convention and soak in the brilliance of trained dancers around me, or I need to go East or West and throw myself into classes. The problem of course lies in a few things. First of which not being able to take much time off from work. We're going into a busy season and time off requests are pretty much forbidden between the months of November and May.
The second problem I face is the guilt of leaving my kids. I told them the other day that there's a good chance that I may be going to L.A. in March because a friend of mine is holding a Master Class that I really want to take. Just so happens that the proceeds from his class will go to help promote a film that a friend of his is trying to get off the ground. I have a thing about underdogs. I will always run with them.
Anyway, my son says to me, " You always get to go to the cool places. One of these days it would be nice if you took us too. I mean, I REALLY want to go to NY and I REALLY want to go to L.A.. You want to move to NY, but I've never even been there. I want to at least go there before all that happens." Can't argue with that logic. So...I'm stuck in a rut, and *I* have to work through it. And I will. This will not last. It never does. I will kick myself in the ass and remind myself that it could be worse.....and it can always get better. ;)
Something my Mom said to me once and has stuck with me is, "What's the worst that could happen? Can you live with that? Then you're ok. If you can't, then you'll find a way to make it better. You always do."
So, although I am reverting to my introverted ways at the moment, it won't last. We are the creators of our own happiness. I just need to regroup and figure out what it is that needs to be done to ignite my soul again, and when I do, you'll know. It's an internal thing. My fight. With myself. It's the ebb and flow of who I am. I like to believe I'm not alone.
I'm gonna start by teaching an Adult Tap Class tomorrow night, and I'm bringing my daughter with me. I'd take my son too, but he's outgrown his tap shoes. If no one shows up to take the class, then I'll tap with *her* and that will make her happy, which in turn will make me happy. No sense in letting that beautiful space go waste. :)
I'm in a funk. Creatively, which means my entire being is in a funk. I hate it. Drives me crazy. Drives the people around me crazy, because I disappear. Poof. And when I do surface, I'm short and then I'm gone again. It's how I work. Rather than bring those I care about down, I revert to being introverted and work through it on my own. Again, drives people crazy. I think it's harder on my bestie than anyone, because she's a fixer and when I ask her to not try to "fix" it, I think she's left with feeling unwanted or not needed. Not the case of course, I just need to disengage for a day or two.
I started teaching my Adult Beginner Hip Hop and Advanced Hip Hop classes on Sunday night. One student showed up for my Beginner Class.........one. No one came to the Advanced Class. I knew it would be that way. I had *hoped* it wouldn't and that those who registered and showed interest, would actually come, but I knew better. This is Iowa after all. Whereas this is a great place to raise a family, it sucks the life out of someone who is creative. I've come to the conclusion, that if you want to be a doctor, lawyer, school teacher, or insurance agent this is the place to be! If you are a performing artist or live for a fine art of any kind, it's a place where your soul goes to die. Overly dramatic? Perhaps, but dude...you aren't here.
The monotony of the daily grind has gotten to me and I need to do something about it soon before I end up swimming in a toilet, swirling in a downward spiral of depression. I know that. I am someone who is VERY self-aware. I need an injection of LIFE! Most of the time I do the injecting, but when it comes to motivating myself, I kinda suck. lol I need to surround myself with like minded people. I need to either go to a dance convention and soak in the brilliance of trained dancers around me, or I need to go East or West and throw myself into classes. The problem of course lies in a few things. First of which not being able to take much time off from work. We're going into a busy season and time off requests are pretty much forbidden between the months of November and May.
The second problem I face is the guilt of leaving my kids. I told them the other day that there's a good chance that I may be going to L.A. in March because a friend of mine is holding a Master Class that I really want to take. Just so happens that the proceeds from his class will go to help promote a film that a friend of his is trying to get off the ground. I have a thing about underdogs. I will always run with them.
Anyway, my son says to me, " You always get to go to the cool places. One of these days it would be nice if you took us too. I mean, I REALLY want to go to NY and I REALLY want to go to L.A.. You want to move to NY, but I've never even been there. I want to at least go there before all that happens." Can't argue with that logic. So...I'm stuck in a rut, and *I* have to work through it. And I will. This will not last. It never does. I will kick myself in the ass and remind myself that it could be worse.....and it can always get better. ;)
Something my Mom said to me once and has stuck with me is, "What's the worst that could happen? Can you live with that? Then you're ok. If you can't, then you'll find a way to make it better. You always do."
So, although I am reverting to my introverted ways at the moment, it won't last. We are the creators of our own happiness. I just need to regroup and figure out what it is that needs to be done to ignite my soul again, and when I do, you'll know. It's an internal thing. My fight. With myself. It's the ebb and flow of who I am. I like to believe I'm not alone.
I'm gonna start by teaching an Adult Tap Class tomorrow night, and I'm bringing my daughter with me. I'd take my son too, but he's outgrown his tap shoes. If no one shows up to take the class, then I'll tap with *her* and that will make her happy, which in turn will make me happy. No sense in letting that beautiful space go waste. :)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dear Mel...
I pull up my Pandora page to listen to music as I type, and as I pull up my blog site the song Beautiful by Christina Aguilera begins to play which is quite perfect given the subject of today's blog.
Twenty one years ago today.....I met my best friend.
You'll read in a moment her recollection of our meeting, but for me I can tell you that upon meeting her I would have never known just how important to me she would become. Y.A.B.E. (Young Adult Beginning Experiences) Two teenage kids who made the choice to go on a weekend retreat to sort out the grief we were dealing with, her losing her Mother to cancer and my parents going through a divorce, followed by me losing my own Mother by the hands of another. Dark times. Very.....VERY......dark times.
I was SO shy. Still am to some degree. Oftentimes it is mistaken as aloof or standoffish, which is the complete opposite of what it is. So I was doing what I do. Sitting alone, and just watching. Absorbing all the activity around me as people who knew each other got reacquainted. SO nervous to be in a situation that was unknown, and to not really know anyone there, and she was the first person to approach me. We hit it off right away and twenty one years later, here we are. Closer than we have ever been.
There is something so profound about growing up with someone. You share in their joy, in their pain, their failures and their victories. Their struggle and their freedom. Through it all, including the time we were apart, she was ALWAYS with me. They say if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it was always yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. She came back to me, and I to her.
What She Deserves...
(There is only one other person I let go although not completely. He too was always with me. He came back to me, I will never let him go again).
Would you believe we have NO pictures of us together back then? I think that's why we take so many of us together now. :)
Dear Mel,
Who knew that 21 years ago you would be one of the most important people in my life? Crazy how our circumstances bonded us and our love of NKOTB solidified us. Even crazier that their parting of ways coincided with ours and their reunion coincided with ours. So many things about them are interwoven into what is us and I will forever be grateful for that. SO many things. But I need not say another word about that because you already know.
We help each other navigate the waters of life and when I needed a life preserver you pulled me out of the water before I drowned. Again, for that I will forever be grateful. Every day you give me a reason to stand strong and tall the way I was always meant to. Your undying belief in me is unmatched. Ever encouraging, albeit at times a bit *coughpushycough* is always backed by good intention.
Your humor and quick witted mind makes me laugh and keeps me challenged. It takes intelligence to have that kind of quick wit and I admire and respect your intelligence on so many levels.
We are, and forever will be... Siamese twins joined at the heart.
I love you dearly my sister and so thankful you were the brave soul who approached me at the hearth that day. You saw something in me others did not, including myself. Thank you for never letting me forget. It is a gift I do not take for granted.
*slides you that cakey flavored Vodka drink you like and picks up my big ass Coke with extra ice*
Here's to the next 21 years. May our love for those 5 guys stay as strong as it has for the last 21 years. ;) May our laughter fill the most crowded of rooms. May our light shine brighter than a million haters. May our friendship carry us into Shady Pines with grace and dignity. And if that doesn't work, let's just do what we do best.....kick that door down and make our presence known because the two of us together are unstoppable.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SIS! I LOVE YOU! CLINK!
Love,
Cheese~
Twenty one years ago today.....I met my best friend.
You'll read in a moment her recollection of our meeting, but for me I can tell you that upon meeting her I would have never known just how important to me she would become. Y.A.B.E. (Young Adult Beginning Experiences) Two teenage kids who made the choice to go on a weekend retreat to sort out the grief we were dealing with, her losing her Mother to cancer and my parents going through a divorce, followed by me losing my own Mother by the hands of another. Dark times. Very.....VERY......dark times.
I was SO shy. Still am to some degree. Oftentimes it is mistaken as aloof or standoffish, which is the complete opposite of what it is. So I was doing what I do. Sitting alone, and just watching. Absorbing all the activity around me as people who knew each other got reacquainted. SO nervous to be in a situation that was unknown, and to not really know anyone there, and she was the first person to approach me. We hit it off right away and twenty one years later, here we are. Closer than we have ever been.
There is something so profound about growing up with someone. You share in their joy, in their pain, their failures and their victories. Their struggle and their freedom. Through it all, including the time we were apart, she was ALWAYS with me. They say if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it was always yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. She came back to me, and I to her.
What She Deserves...
(There is only one other person I let go although not completely. He too was always with me. He came back to me, I will never let him go again).
Would you believe we have NO pictures of us together back then? I think that's why we take so many of us together now. :)
21 Years ago...
Dear Mel,
Who knew that 21 years ago you would be one of the most important people in my life? Crazy how our circumstances bonded us and our love of NKOTB solidified us. Even crazier that their parting of ways coincided with ours and their reunion coincided with ours. So many things about them are interwoven into what is us and I will forever be grateful for that. SO many things. But I need not say another word about that because you already know.
We help each other navigate the waters of life and when I needed a life preserver you pulled me out of the water before I drowned. Again, for that I will forever be grateful. Every day you give me a reason to stand strong and tall the way I was always meant to. Your undying belief in me is unmatched. Ever encouraging, albeit at times a bit *coughpushycough* is always backed by good intention.
Your humor and quick witted mind makes me laugh and keeps me challenged. It takes intelligence to have that kind of quick wit and I admire and respect your intelligence on so many levels.
We are, and forever will be... Siamese twins joined at the heart.
I love you dearly my sister and so thankful you were the brave soul who approached me at the hearth that day. You saw something in me others did not, including myself. Thank you for never letting me forget. It is a gift I do not take for granted.
*slides you that cakey flavored Vodka drink you like and picks up my big ass Coke with extra ice*
Here's to the next 21 years. May our love for those 5 guys stay as strong as it has for the last 21 years. ;) May our laughter fill the most crowded of rooms. May our light shine brighter than a million haters. May our friendship carry us into Shady Pines with grace and dignity. And if that doesn't work, let's just do what we do best.....kick that door down and make our presence known because the two of us together are unstoppable.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SIS! I LOVE YOU! CLINK!
Love,
Cheese~
Today...
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