Ebb and Flow....

*blows raspberries*

I'm in a funk. Creatively, which means my entire being is in a funk. I hate it. Drives me crazy. Drives the people around me crazy, because I disappear. Poof. And when I do surface, I'm short and then I'm gone again. It's how I work. Rather than bring those I care about down, I revert to being introverted and work through it on my own. Again, drives people crazy. I think it's harder on my bestie than anyone, because she's a fixer and when I ask her to not try to "fix" it, I think she's left with feeling unwanted or not needed. Not the case of course, I just need to disengage for a day or two.

I started teaching my Adult Beginner Hip Hop and Advanced Hip Hop classes on Sunday night. One student showed up for my Beginner Class.........one. No one came to the Advanced Class. I knew it would be that way. I had *hoped* it wouldn't and that those who registered and showed interest, would actually come, but I knew better. This is Iowa after all. Whereas this is a great place to raise a family, it sucks the life out of someone who is creative. I've come to the conclusion, that if you want to be a doctor, lawyer, school teacher, or insurance agent this is the place to be! If you are a performing artist or live for a fine art of any kind, it's a place where your soul goes to die. Overly dramatic? Perhaps, but dude...you aren't here.

The monotony of the daily grind has gotten to me and I need to do something about it soon before I end up swimming in a toilet, swirling in a downward spiral of depression. I know that. I am someone who is VERY self-aware. I need an injection of LIFE! Most of the time I do the injecting, but when it comes to motivating myself, I kinda suck. lol I need to surround myself with like minded people. I need to either go to a dance convention and  soak in the brilliance of trained dancers around me, or I need to go East or West and throw myself into classes. The problem of course lies in a few things. First of which not being able to take much time off from work. We're going into a busy season and time off requests are pretty much forbidden between the months of November and May.

The second problem I face is the guilt of leaving my kids. I told them the other day that there's a good chance that I may be going to L.A. in March because a friend of mine is holding a Master Class that I really want to take. Just so happens that the proceeds from his class will go to help promote a film that a friend of his is trying to get off the ground. I have a thing about underdogs. I will always run with them.

Anyway, my son says to me, " You always get to go to the cool places. One of these days it would be nice if you took us too. I mean, I REALLY want to go to NY and I REALLY want to go to L.A.. You want to move to NY, but I've never even been there. I want to at least go there before all that happens." Can't argue with that logic. So...I'm stuck in a rut, and *I* have to work through it. And I will. This will not last. It never does. I will kick myself in the ass and remind myself that it could be worse.....and it can always get better. ;)

Something my Mom said to me once and has stuck with me is, "What's the worst that could happen? Can you live with that? Then you're ok. If you can't, then you'll find a way to make it better. You always do."

So, although I am reverting to my introverted ways at the moment, it won't last. We are the creators of our own happiness. I just need to regroup and figure out what it is that needs to be done to ignite my soul again, and when I do, you'll know. It's an internal thing. My fight. With myself. It's the ebb and flow of who I am. I like to believe I'm not alone.

I'm gonna start by teaching an Adult Tap Class tomorrow night, and I'm bringing my daughter with me. I'd take my son too, but he's outgrown his tap shoes.  If no one shows up to take the class, then I'll tap with *her* and that will make her happy, which in turn will make me happy. No sense in letting that beautiful space go waste. :)