Mostly Totally Fine.......

While a good amount of people spend the days leading up to Christmas in a shopping frenzy, scurrying about trying to find the perfect gift for that perfect one. Decorating the house and filling out Christmas cards filling the universe with cheer. I, spend the entire month of December, mostly numb. I have a hard time engaging and investing emotionally in the holiday spirit. I go on with my days like any other.

I came home from work tonight to a disgruntled daughter who became upset after finding the latest Stephanie Plum book already on my nightstand, thus thwarting her plans to get said book for me as a Christmas present. She said, " You are the worst person in the world to shop for because YOU NEVER ASK FOR ANYTHING!"

I don't. What do I need? I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on the table. I have heat in my house and a car that gets me from point A to point B. I have two happy and healthy kids who love me and I them. I have the air in my lungs and every day that I wake up is another chance to get it right. The rest is gravy. I find sheer joy in giving to others. The looks on their faces is gift enough for me. Which really drives people crazy. Particularly my kids. Material things matter very little to me. What I want, money cannot buy.... Okay, so technically you "can" buy it, but that's not the kind of love I want. It must be given freely.


Anyway, tomorrow morning I will put up the Christmas tree and get it ready for the kids to decorate tomorrow night after I'm done teaching my Adult Tap Class. It's a 6.5 foot tree that is covered in toys and action figure ornaments. It's a tree that once it's up and lit makes me happy to sit back and look at, but it's also bittersweet for me.

On December 22, 1990 I buried my Mother. The Cheese in My Cheesecake

On December 22, 2010 my divorce was final. As freeing as it was, it was still the end of the life I knew for 15 years.

This year, my kids will be with their Dad, my parents will be with my brother and I will be alone. It's hard to say how I will feel on Christmas morning. Most of me thinks I'll be just fine. Christmas Eve is usually spent in tradition with me making lasagna and the kids each opening one small gift before bed. I will still make lasagna, it'll just be a smaller pan. lol I have plans of sitting on the couch, with a good book and the Celtics game on my TV. Perhaps I'll rent a movie. See, really not much different than a regular Saturday for me. It's totally fine.

Yup.

Totally fine.

Mostly.