Showtime...

Sitting at my desk drumming my fingers and trying to figure out what I wanted to blog about tonight, I decided to pull out "The Binder". I've been writing a book over the years. I stopped a while back having a bout of writers block and then ultimately.....relationship block. It's been sitting on my bookshelf collecting dust. I pulled it off the shelf with the idea I would maybe share an excerpt in here.

As I was flipping through the binder, looking at some typed pages and some hand written pages, I came across an odd journal entry. Back in the day, I never really kept a journal so I thought it was part of my book til I read the page a little further. So, tonight I'll share a piece of my life when I was younger and my aspirations of becoming a serious actress were still fresh and untainted. It's not dated, but I'm fairly certain it was sometime after I was married and after my son was born. Otherwise known as my mid 20's.


I think there are people who struggle their whole lives trying to figure out what it is they want to be or what to do with themselves. Then there are those who know precisely what they want to be and pursue their vocation ruthlessly until they accomplish what it is they set out to do. Whether it be doctors, or lawyers, firefighters, nurses, animal trainers and circus folk.

Then there are people like me, who start out knowing EXACTLY what they want to do and change their minds several times along the way. Seemingly achieving little, but doing a LOT.

It has been said that I was born with a mic in my hand and that I was dancing in the womb. it's true that I have known at a very young age that I wanted to perform. I've been told at various times throughout the years that I have the talent. What I lack is the belief in myself. I think actors in general are rather insecure. There is a deep need to express ourselves and be heard and accepted and loved. And when there's work, the money's good, but it is not our driving force. Ever. Which if you're lucky enough to be with someone who understands that and is as like-minded as you, you truly are one of the lucky ones. Mine is a constant battle of "real job" vs "hobby". I digress...

The industry is exploding with people who are screaming, "Pick me, choose me, see me, love me." Alarmingly most of the women in this line of work have been sucked into thinking that talent accounts for very little and if you're young, anorexic and plastic you're the next "It" girl.

Speaking as an actress who takes her craft seriously, I will say, "I hate you." Okay, not really. And not YOU specifically, but rather society and the impossible pressures put upon those of us who are bigger than a size 6. I was a size 6 once....maybe twice. I currently reside somewhere in the vicinity of a size 10/12, with the right to float up to a 14 or down to an 8 if something tragic happens in my life. No telling what the future holds but the past definitely holds a lot of it.

In general the size of my clothes isn't an issue. Most people would agree I'm of average size. It's only when I go in to an audition that I run into a problem. Either I'm "too ethnic" looking or "not ethnic enough". I stand at 5'8" and have thick jet black hair that I keep pixie short. I have olive skin. I am half Filipino, a quarter German and a quarter Irish. How on earth I can look "not ethnic enough" is beyond me. My favorite though is when I get called in and they're looking for "real people". It is then that I'm told that I'm "too pretty". Great so maybe if I could send my lower half in for a separate audition and plaster a "real" face to my upper half. Seriously, it's enough to make me give up acting. Not really, but I'm *this* close.

Do they have "ass" auditions? Is there such a thing? I have a pretty great ass, if I do say so myself. How do I check in for something like that? I imagine the "thespian" perched behind the desk taking names when you go in to audition. And by "thespian", I mean Julie the waitress who poured my coffee two days ago, but doesn't recognize me because she's in "thespian" mode now and is somehow better than me because she's behind the desk.

"Yes, and who do we have here?"

"Ummm...Ann Marie Thomas' ass."

"Thank you. You can just fill out this form, bring it up when you're done and we'll get a shot of the plumpness of your gluteus maximus."


What kind of pictures would I need? I'd need to start carrying around "ass shots" along with my "head shots".

At the moment I'm sitting in Lee's casting office waiting to audition for a Taco commercial. Frankly I think this ad concept was thought up by two interns working late into the night hopped up on no sleep, Red Bull and Doritos. The office itself is quite cozy. One desk with a computer and phone. A fan lazily swishes back and forth. The room is small and the carpet worn. I'm sitting next to two people who I think will beat me out for this part. They look "real".

I'm up next. Wish me luck. Okay, you can't because I'm talking to myself, but if there were someone who cared how I did in my audition, or really, anything that I did, I'd want them to wish me luck. Why? Because I would do the same for them. I'm going now, and if I have to wear a stupid costume I will, because it's work, and I will get paid, and then maybe my husband will be supportive because it will mean it's an actual job and not just a hobby that won't go anywhere but is something fun to do in your spare time after your 'real' job.....Alright...a girl can dream.

Showtime.