The Winding Road...

I spent most of the night fighting a creative block. I couldn’t lock down song choices and my head was filled with nothing but a swarm of thoughts of everything that I have to get done before my move, my kids, things that need to be done at work, on and on and on.  My mind would not settle and I ended up falling asleep on the floor after surrendering to it. I woke up about 30 minutes later and crawled into bed without having chosen songs or setting choreography for tonight’s classes.

I knew this would eventually happen.  It always does. Every single time I have left dance to re-enter retail management my spirit suffers. Yes, I do not do well with idle and yes I like to be  busy, however, the doing what I have to do to survive and provide means everything else that matters to me gets sacrificed.  Life barrels forward and moments slip away. Moments to create, to breathe, to live, to just…be.

I’m frustrated today. This next session of dance classes may be my last for a while and it hurts. I have nothing in the tank right now and I’m running on fumes. In order to inspire others one must first be inspired and for a while now I have been so supremely uninspired. I cannot give of myself if there is nothing to give.  

I enjoy my day job. I have a great staff and we have a lot of fun, but it’s a different mindset. It’s a different part of me that is being utilized and while it is a trained and productive one it is not where my heart resides. This would be why I fought the idea of taking on a “day job” again. Because I have been here, I have gone through this before and it SUCKS! I do not like the person I am when what I love to do suffers. 

I try very hard not to complain. I have been given a life and I am living it. I am thankful I have the skills and the mindset and work ethic to provide for my children. I am proud to be independent  and I try very hard to instill those same things in my kids. At the same time, I want them to know how important it is to follow your bliss. The things that bring you pure joy spills over into everything  else you do and spreads to others. I want them to know how important it is to nurture that part of you, because it is that part of you that is your reason for being here. 

I’m sad that that part of me is collecting dust again. I believe in leading by example and if I cannot show my children how to live the way you are meant to it weighs heavy on my heart.  This does not mean that I walk around all pouty and throwing myself a pity party. I still get out of bed and hit the ground running every day. I still play and laugh with my children and I still move forward with an open heart full of love.

As with every bend in the road, this one will eventually straighten itself out I'm sure. I needed a moment to vent, and I thank you kindly for allowing me this moment. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get a shirt down for a customer.