I woke up today in a very pensive state. Always grateful for another day. Another chance to get something right, but pensive nonetheless. After a bit of meditation, I felt that rather than putting my thoughts into a Vlog, that today it would be best to lay them out in written form. Here, I can take my time. I can be as verbose and tangential as I want. On paper, at least for me, I feel there are no time restrictions. I write as I feel, as it comes to me. It's been a hot minute since I've written a blog but I remembered that I can I write and share here without worrying if anyone cares to read it. I write for me and if someone out there takes something from it, that’s just the cherry on top.
Also, I don't feel pressure to fix my face or my hair. I mean, I've already done both of those things, but really because I hadn't for the last two days and It's a self-care thing for me. I feel a bit better about myself. As one does when they finally shower after 2 days. Look, people. Life happens, and when you're busy not unpacking because you're too tired to care after the week you've had, and you have absolutely NO one you need to impress, even though your dog looks at you like, "Chick, you're a HOT mess. And not in a sexy, flirty kinda way."
Right. Where was I?
Ah, yes...
I rolled, like a Ninja, into Texas a week ago today. No big sign indicating that I crossed over the border from Louisiana. No vocal greeting from Deborah (the name I bestowed upon my GPS) saying in her melodious way, “Welcome to Texas.”
Nope.
Nothing.
Nada.
If anyone reading this has followed me at all on social media over the last decade or so, you would know that my life has gone through twists, turns, high highs, and lowest of lows. It has taken me a very long time to forgive myself for the choices I made when I was just trying to survive. I went through a slow awakening. One that had me finally trusting my own intuition. I now have an unwavering faith that everything that has happened and will happen is to help me grow and evolve into what I was always meant to. I questioned it for a looonnnnnng time.
I’ve spoken about this before, but for most of my life, I believed I was put on this earth to perform. To entertain. Whether that be through dance, song, acting, writing. Anything creative I could get my hands on and project to the world was my drive. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have the drive to soak up anything creative I possibly can. The difference is that I no longer believe that it is my sole purpose in this world to entertain the masses.
I will always believe that what is not shared is lost. The talent you are given is your gift from God. What you do with it, is your gift back. That being said, I don’t think we are given just ONE sole purpose. We are here for many reasons that change and evolve as we change and evolve. What a beautiful thing that is to know. We are here but for a short time, yet we have SO much to give each other. The greatest gift I will ever give is my love. But to be able to do that I had to first learn to love myself.
I am love.
I’ve known this now for quite some time. My mission here has always been to spread that love and to help others to find their own light. Art is just but one way I am able to do that.
There are so many different tangents I could veer off to from here, but I will try to keep this mess of thoughts reigned in and focused (*whispers* This is my way of reminding myself to focus).
Another way is through spiritual, emotional and intellectual guidance.
Many moons ago I had this dream of creating a retreat that is very similar to the one that saved my life when I was a 15-year-old girl. That dream sat in the back of my mind for the last 20 yrs or so. Perhaps longer. In any case, the dream of creating a retreat for young adults who have lost a parent through death, divorce or abandonment slowly started getting louder over the last year and a half. I was part of a similar retreat as a teenager, and it saved me. It’s also where my best friend of over 30 yrs and I met.
When she and I started talking about making this an actual reality, we talked about different locations where we could/should consider having these week-long retreats. The first, and for me, the most logical place was Tennessee. The climate, nature and landscape as well as the close proximity to Indiana (where I currently was), made sense. There were a few other factors, but those were the big ones.
The second location was Colorado. Also for the climate, nature and landscape. We both have friends there that would love to be a part of this project. As we continued to discuss options there was one that kept coming back to me. Texas. I told myself when I moved from San Antonio to Indiana for work, that I would not go back there. It wasn’t safe where I lived. I LOVED the people that I worked with, but I missed seeing trees and grass and all I remembered seeing was dirt.
I’m an Earth sign and a Pacific Islander. My blood needs a little bit more than...dirt.
Moving on.
Once upon a time, I worked for a company whose headquarters were based out of Indy. I LOVED the company. I truly believed that’s where I was supposed to go. I believed that there would be a possibility of more opportunities open to me if I worked and lived where the company was based out of. That was literally my end game. I was set to spend my whole career working for Lids Sports Group. I was running a Locker Room in San Antonio when I got a call that they wanted to fly me to Indy to interview for a beta program they wanted to implement. Long story short, I interviewed for the position in front of a panel of 6 Executive Officers. I beat out 16 candidates and they relocated me to Indiana. I was SO stoked!! YES! Getting back to the changing of seasons!
The job that took me there ended up getting scrapped after 6 months.
I stayed in Indiana. Again, I believed that It was where I was supposed to be. So, I did what any crazy person does, and I opened a Dance Studio. I worked REALLY hard to make that dream come true. A dream I had had since I was a very young girl. I struggled for a long time with whether or not that was ever going to become a reality. Indiana wasn’t exactly my first choice to open one up in, but I was there so that MUST be where it was meant to happen. Ultimately I decided that I wasn’t getting any older, and if I didn’t do it now, then I was never going to. So, after 2 yrs of living and planning...I did. I told myself that this was everything I ever wanted, while also NOT unpacking most of my boxes, nor hanging up any pictures, nor really integrating myself into the community. I had one foot in and one foot out the door. Looking back I understand that I was never meant to stay there. My intuition whispering for me to listen. I didn’t know where I was meant to be, but there was a part of me that knew, deep down, that wasn’t Indiana. The reason that brought me there originally was gone and I was doing what I could with what I had at the time. I’m pretty adept at that.
Here’s how the rest of that story goes...
As all of this began to unravel, a different dream began to get louder and louder. The dream of starting the retreat, that was on the back burner, all of a sudden moved to the forefront. In addition to that, the two locales originally thought to be the top two choices started getting nudged out by a third. There is a place in Texas that would be the most ideal place to hold such a retreat. Not only is the place perfect, but the person who owns it also has visions that align with mine. When I discovered this fantastical piece of information about a year and a half ago, the pull to Texas started getting stronger. It wasn’t until right around October of last year when I made the final decision that I was going to move. The timing was right. My lease for my apartment was up at the end of February, the studio was inevitably going to close because I couldn’t recover from taking such a huge hit. I still had another year left on my lease, but there was nothing to say I couldn’t find someone to take over the lease. Or, at the very least hire teachers to take over classes for this last year and still run the business from wherever I ended up, then closing at the end of next year.
So, that’s what I did. I gave the Landlord of my apartment complex notice to vacate and started looking for teachers to take over. A true blessing came in the form of a kindred spirit named Myrisha Smith. When I met Myrisha, I knew that what was to transpire was the right thing. I felt it all the way through my soul. In the first meeting, I discovered that she has a dream to open her own studio as a Non-Profit to help kids who don’t normally have an opportunity to experience dance to be able to take classes. This spoke volumes to me. I was touched by how much we had in common. She began shadowing me and over the following 6 months, became an integral part of AMSDC. On my last night of teaching, we shared a hug and a LOT of tears as I handed her my keys to the studio. She currently has a financial mentor/grant writer working on the next steps, but I know that the safe space I created is now in the right hands. I am beyond grateful God brought her into my life.
When I actually made the announcement last week of what was happening, I had people asking questions and all I could do was giggle at my responses. Not everyone has the courage to follow their truth. But I tell you what, as scary as it is...well...there’s something so sublimely freeing about it all.
Them: Where are you going to NOW?!
Me: Austin
Them: Why there? Did you get a new job or something?
Me: Nope.
Them: You’re moving to Texas without a job?! Why?
Me: Why not?
Them: That’s so scary! I don’t think I could ever do that.
Me: I can’t speak for you. Can only speak for me. And for me, this feels... right. *shrug* That’s all I’ve got, but it’s enough.
I don’t know what will come. That’s the beauty of this life’s journey. I have great faith that my retreat will become a reality at some point. My hope is that it will be where I envision it to be. I’ve seen it. It’s pretty amazing to visualize a dream coming true. They say that’s one of the first steps in manifesting. Time will tell. I will let that part unfold as it is meant to. Not blindly leaving things to chance, mind you. Just, trusting in God’s timing.
Every morning, when He and I talk, the mantra “I will trust. I will trust. I will trust in you.” Repeats in my head and carries me through my day.
Speaking of which, today is a bit overcast, but my view has beautiful trees, and squirrels and the sounds of doves calling each other across the breeze. Very different from my experience in San Antonio. There is a rightness here. A feeling of familiarity that is all at once strange and somehow...not. As I sit here at my kitchen table, in my new apartment in Austin, I am grateful for everything. ALL of it. The whole decade. I would never in a million years wish anyone to ever go through what I went through. Ever. I also would not change a thing. The trials, the tribulations. Because of them, I learned to love myself. Deeply. Truly.
The heartache and oftentimes days of dark despair. Without them, I would never have found my light. Without them, I would not be able to help others to find their own. Because of them, I have learned to follow my truth wherever it may lead me. No matter what the outside voices say. My intuition now guides me and MY voice is the one I listen to. The choices I make for my life are just that. For MY life. I pray that you are able to find the courage and conviction to do the same.
Cheers to days past. Cheers to what’s to come. I turn my face to an open Texas sky. The endless horizon wraps me in a warm embrace and just as quietly as I rolled into town, it whispers…”Welcome home.”
